I got two emails in response to my recent
newsletter: “4 Tips To Crush Sexual Anxiety”,
that raised some great points about sexual
confidence, dating, seducing women, and sex…
Check out those emails and my responses below…
***QUESTION***
Alex,
Thanks for this newsletter. It really hit home
with me. I recently realized I have some serious
sexual anxiety issues.
I met a girl I really connected with, & on the 3rd
date we were back at my place making out. After
about 20 minutes of me not taking things past
kissing, she broke off the make out. I haven’t
seen or heard from her since & my friends tell
me it’s because I didn’t go for it.
I’m determined to get to the bottom of this for
myself & girls I’m with in the future. Here’s why
I’m guessing I have my sexual anxiety challenge:
-the first girl I had sex with was on the rebound,
I was crazy about her & we had sex then she broke
it off & I was left scratching my head not
understanding & heartbroken. To make things worse,
she verbally compared me to her ex during sex. I
could get hard but couldn’t ejaculate & haven’t
been able to ejaculate in my other sexual
experiences, very emasculating. Because of this I
kind of associate sex with fear & pain rather
than pleasure.
-I value people & don’t take sex lightly. I don’t
want to do any damage to any girls or be
irresponsible. In fact I really don’t feel
comfortable having sex as early as the 3rd date. I
want to be sure we trust each other & it will be a
win/win for me & her.
-even though I feel the way I mentioned in the
last point, I have conflicting feelings. Sometimes
I feel I just want to fuck for fun & feel I don’t
want to grow old & not have slept with enough
girls, I don’t want to come off as being too
responsible, I want to let loose & be a sexual
animal.
What suggestions do you have for me personally
about these challenges? Your newsletter really is
helpful in addressing these but I’m curious if you
have any other suggestions that address these
specifics.
I heard you speak at David D’s Man Transformation
& you really shifted my thinking. Thanks for that
& these newsletters. When I get home later I am
going to buy your book.
T.C.
>>> MY REPLY:
Hey T.,
I’m glad you appreciated my talk at the “Man
Transformation”. That was a fantastic event…
just like everything that David D. does… He has
been a great mentor and inspiration to me and I
was proud to be among the men that were asked to
present there.
So in the simplest terms, your entire life could
be turned around on a dime… and be so much
more fulfilling… if you just learned to go a
little easy on yourself.
Your biggest enemy is your own self-critical
voice, and waking up to the fact (and you WILL
eventually) that the self-critical voice is neither
a reflection of reality, nor the “real you”, nor
accurate in any way, nor based on anything real,
is going to be a real game-changer for you.
There’s nothing preventing you from replacing the
self-critical voice with a self-affirming voice.
Nothing.
I was just remarking to a friend the other day
that on any given morning you can wake up
completely depressed and stressed out about your
life… or completely psyched and energized about
your life… and not one fact has changed.
It’s just your point of view. And YOURS is not
serving you.
In more nuts and bolts terms, let me roll up my
sleeves and talk briefly to some of your questions:
>>>YOU WROTE:
I met a girl I really connected with, & on the 3rd
date we were back at my place making out. After
about 20 minutes of me not taking things past
kissing, she broke off the make out. I haven’t
seen or heard from her since & my friends tell
me it’s because I didn’t go for it.
>>>MY COMMENTS:
There’s a good chance that your friends are right.
But it’s not just about her feeling that you
weren’t masculine enough to escalate things… I
mean, maybe that’s part of it… maybe she felt
you had some anxiety, and maybe that turned her
off sexually… and it’s always interesting to
take the “second position perspective” and see the
interaction from HER point of view…
But now let’s take it a step further… and look
at it from the “THIRD position perspective”…
which is where I am… regarding both you and the
girl with some compassion and wondering how it
could have been a win for you BOTH.
And from my third position perspective I have
compassion for your anxiety… but I also know
that that SHE was filled with anxiety and
insecurities too… and I’ve got to have some
compassion for her in that uncomfortable situation.
And it is most like HER insecurities that you
triggered. By not escalating things sexually you
made her feel unattractive and un-sexy. In order
to avoid having to feel that way again, she might
want to avoid you.
You were busy thinking that she was thinking
YOU are a loser… but, in fact, she’s probably
thinking to herself that SHE’S the loser.
Remember that a woman gets a lot of validation
when you TRY to escalate things sexually. At that
point she may go for it with you… or she may
stop you and say, “not yet,” but either way, she
gets to feel sexually desirable.
But if you don’t try… well, then, she doesn’t
feel desirable. And that hurts.
Keeping her anxiety and insecurities in
perspective may help you deal with your own.
Eventually, the most masculine thing, the thing
that every woman craves, is a guy who is confident
enough and comfortable enough with his own
sexuality that he makes HER feel more at ease
about her own anxieties.
That doesn’t mean you have to be a macho stud
who is all cocky about how he can rock her world…
it means that you are at ease with your sexuality
no matter WHAT happens.
You just can’t believe how sexually attractive
women find it when you are “okay with whatever
happens”.
>>>YOU WROTE:
-the first girl I had sex with was on the rebound,
I was crazy about her & we had sex then she broke
it off & I was left scratching my head not
understanding & heartbroken. To make things worse,
she verbally compared me to her ex during sex. I
could get hard but couldn’t ejaculate & haven’t
been able to ejaculate in my other sexual
experiences, very emasculating. Because of this I
kind of associate sex with fear & pain rather
than pleasure.
>>>MY COMMENTS:
Okay… ouch. I get it. You’ve got my
compassion. And you’ve got your story to justify
stuff. Great. You’ve gotten to the bottom of it.
That’s where it stems from.
Now forget it.
Drop it.
Move along.
Everyone… and I mean EVERYONE gets their heart
broken once in a while. And she had recently had
hers broken and took it out on you. And you just
had the bad luck to fall for the wrong girl.
I’m sure if she knew she was going to screw you up,
she wouldn’t have done it. Probably the dude that
screwed her up wouldn’t have either… so now it’s
up to you NOT to screw up some next girl.
Quit worrying about associating sex with pain
or pleasure… just be in the moment. Enjoy the
parts you enjoy, experience and accept the parts
you don’t. Communicate through touch and live
with a fiercely open heart.
Don’t worry about getting hurt. It’s pointless.
Because you’ll get hurt either way. It’s just
part of the game… part of being human.
>>>YOU WROTE:
-I value people & don’t take sex lightly. I don’t
want to do any damage to any girls or be
irresponsible. In fact I really don’t feel
comfortable having sex as early as the 3rd date. I
want to be sure we trust each other & it will be a
win/win for me & her.
>>>MY COMMENTS:
Have you seen the movie “Super Bad”?
If you haven’t… see it. It’s a fantastic
movie and the two friends in the movie represent
the 2 opposite problems men have with women… one
is a misogynistic bastard because female rejection
has hurt him all his life… the other is overly
concerned with being “nice” and fears that some
woman might think he wants her for sex… which
would make him some kind of pig.
It makes me feel sorry for women that so many
men fall into either one or the other category.
There’s reality somewhere in the middle, of
course.
Sex is a much bigger deal than we make of it in
some ways… like, we never really stop to think
about the lives of women who are exploited in
pornography… we just enjoy looking at the images…
but at other times we make this HUGE deal out of
sex… when, you know, it’s just sex.
Here’s an example that I hope brings it home
for you a bit… A survey was done, and a large
group of women were asked how long they would have
to know someone before they would give him their
car keys and trust him enough to let him borrow
their car.
A second survey was done, and women were asked
how long they would have to know someone before
having sex with him…
If you’ve even the slightest bit of
imagination, you already know where this is going.
On average, women feel like they need to know
you about twice as long before letting you borrow
their car than they do before having sex with you.
Now if you asked the question that way…. “do
you need know someone better before borrowing your
car or before having sex with him?” I think most
women would have said, “I need to know them MUCH
longer before having SEX with him!
And yet…
Not sure if you are getting my point here, but
you are probably making a bigger deal out of sex
than most women are. I suggest that you might be
doing that in order to seem like a “good guy”… but
it’s not working for you.
This is an entirely different issue from a man
who embraces his sexual identity but has an ethical
reason for waiting… for example, a man who
decides to wait until he’s married for religious
reasons.
In truth, setting some artificial barometer on
it, like “the 3rd date” is ridiculous.
What if it is a case of love at first site?
Would you deny your feelings for her and leave her
with a handshake because you were too timid to
embrace your passion?
Or… perhaps on your 3rd date you discover
that, though she’s attractive, you don’t really
like her as a person. Would you stick it out a
little longer in hopes that you would eventually
get to fuck her and get another notch on your belt?
I hope the answers are: No and no.
Sex and sexual play are great fun between a
man and a woman who are attracted to each other.
You could have easily done all sorts of sexual
things, or just turned things playful and had a
tickle fight with her… and, of course, you could
have confidently looked her in the eye and spoken
your mind:
“I am madly attracted to you, you’re making me
horny as hell, but I don’t know you well enough to
have sex with you yet. Hope you understand.”
Think you would have gotten a 4th date if you
did that? Hm?
I’m betting that she’d have had a big crush on
you if you had done that.
>>>YOU WROTE:
-even though I feel the way I mentioned in the
last point, I have conflicting feelings. Sometimes
I feel I just want to fuck for fun & feel I don’t
want to grow old & not have slept with enough
girls, I don’t want to come off as being too
responsible, I want to let loose & be a sexual
animal.
>>>MY REPLY:
I know men who are older and feel like they
haven’t slept with enough women in their life and
they feel insecure about it. And NONE of them
would feel better if they had.
Because they are simply insecure and sex is not
going to cure that.
Every man sometimes feels like they want to
just fuck for fun. There is nothing wrong with
feeling that way… and I’m pretty sure there is
nothing wrong with BEHAVING that way if you find a
woman who wants the same thing (many do at
different stages in their own lives), and you are not
deceiving anyone about your intentions, and you
“play safe”. (Oh, hell, why be coy… I mean: Use
a condom).
So the only REAL issue here is the part where
you wrote: “I don’t want to come off as…”
*sigh*
That phrase is your entire problem.
Quit worrying about “how you come off!”
You need to be internally validated. Figure out
your own true, core values, and live by them. And
stop giving a fuck about how you come off to other
people.
When you live your truth, everyone will respect
you. Men will trust you. Women will be attracted
to you… and most of all… they’ll value being
in a relationship with you and will work to keep
you.
Ironically, when you worry about “how you come
off” to the woman in your life, or when you try
hard to “come off” in a way that pleases her…
you are already taking the first step to losing
her.
I know it sounds crazy and counter-intuitive,
but I promise you, it is one of the most important
and profound lessons in life.
Women don’t want you to TRY to please them…
they want to sucked up in the magic of the path
that you are already on.
>>>YOU WROTE:
…when I get home later this week I’m buying your
ebook…
>>>MY COMMENTS:
Yes man. You need to do that. It will
reinforce this central idea that I am trying to
communicate to you here:
You need to stop trying to figure out how to
get approval from women… and start figuring out
how to build intimacy TOGETHER with a woman.
Sex Tips, Female Orgasm Techniques, And Sexual Confidence
And good luck my friend. Start being nicer to
yourself in your own internal dialog. Notice when
you are getting down on yourself and STOP.
It is going to make a world of difference.
Your Friend,
Alex
*** COMMENT FROM A READER ***
you dont really help people in these letters
or anywhere else. you just basically give readers
support to feel positive about their problems and
sell your book. there is no real tips or hints from
your book.
- R.S.
>>> MY REPLY:
Hey R.,
I’m very sorry you feel that way.
I think it’s no surprise to anyone that I use
these newsletters as a vehicle to SELL my book.
I do this for a living. I’m sure your doctor would
save your life for free if necessary, but he bills
you when you go to see him.
Same with me.
On the other hand, I work very hard to make The
Allman Report extremely useful and fill it with
GREAT tips, and I’ve got about a thousand emails
from men and couples saying that I’ve turned their
sex lives around completely… just with free tips
they’ve gotten from the Newsletter.
Some newsletters have very specific tips and
exercises, and I consider those the “beginner”
newsletters…
Others are more philosophical like this one…
which I consider “advanced” material.
The simple fact is, (and I’m speaking now from
years of experience in helping other men learn
how to completely transform their sex lives, often
giving their partners orgasms for the first time
after YEARS of trying together ), that learning a
few tips and techniques for touching the clitoris,
g-spot, etc., is all good and will make you a better
lover…
But if you really get what I’m talking about in
THIS newsletter, about having confidence and not
going to bed with your woman with a bunch of
insecurities in the front of your brain…
THAT is how you become truly great in bed.
But at the end of the day, if you have no
insecurities about your body, you know a bunch of
techniques, and you are comfortable making authentic
emotional connections with your woman… and give
her orgasms that leave her completely wiped out
from pleasure and have her smiling all week long…
Well then, you don’t need either my newsletters or
my book.
In any case, it truly is my authentic desire to
bring you the best and most USEFUL information
that I can in both my free and my paid content.
Very Sincerely,
Alex