Do you ever tell little white lies to protect someone’s feelings?
Little exaggeration lies to make yourself seem a little cooler?
Big, fat, hairy lies to save yourself from blame or humiliation?
If you answered “no! never!” then it sounds like you probably tell the most insidious form of lie there is: Lying to yourself to save yourself from having to deal with your own shame.
All humans lie sometimes. And we all sometimes lie to ourselves.
I grew up in a house where the little lie was just as normal as telling the truth. If my aunt was on the phone and asking if we were planning to come see her over the weekend, my father would say, “Tell her we’ve already made plans with the neighbors,” or “Tell her mom isn’t feeling well,” or something like that.
There was a greater taboo on the truth, “I’m just not in the mood to see them this weekend,” than the lie.
Now I’m not going to tell anyone that they are WRONG for telling lies– as I said, lies are simply normal behavior for us homo sapiens…
But what you need to know is that when you lie you make the depth and beauty of true intimacy impossible.
Now it doesn’t matter whether this is a friend, or a lover, or just another human that you intend to interact with with integrity and Truth. If you don’t go with the (often only SLIGHTLY less comfortable) truth, then you sacrifice truly knowing each other.
Women encounter this constantly with men who, at the end of the date, say, “this was fun, let’s do it again,” when, in fact, they never intend to see her again. And it’s pretty frustrating and deflating for her to wait for the phone to ring when you said you’d call because you didn’t have the quick moment’s courage to say you wouldn’t.
Women lie to other women when they say, “you look great in those pants!” to a friend who really can’t pull them off.
And everyone ends up the worse off… including the liar, who for the sake of avoiding having to FEEL some slightly negative tension, breaks the possibility of a deeper and more trusting relationship.
That already is a HUGE price to pay…
What they don’t know is that they are also sacrificing two very powerful and personal advantages:
1) The charisma, gravitas, and magnetic confidence that happens automatically when a person commits to living as truthfully as they can.
2) The self trust that develops from holding yourself to a standard of truth.
I was a constant casual liar. If I told someone the truth about anything, without altering even the slightest detail, it was probably just an accident.
When I committed to stop lying, the first thing I realized was that it FORCED me to live a life that I wasn’t ashamed to tell the truth about. This was hard, but intensely empowering.
It also forced me to begin holding more mature boundaries. If someone asked me something that I didn’t want to tell the truth about, since I was unwilling to lie, I might say something like: “That’s not something I’m comfortable answering.”
And much to my surprise at the time, it doesn’t chase people away when you do that. Having those mature and confident boundaries is both masculine and sexy to women… And if you’re a woman, it’s disarming and emotionally engaging for men.
When people begin to respect your truth and your boundaries, self trust flows.
The second thing I discovered was that many things that I was afraid to tell the truth about because I thought it would embarrass me or hurt others, and drive friends from my life, had the opposite effect.
People not only still liked me, they bonded with me MORE. And of course that resulted in even more self trust as I understood that I could navigate my life on my own terms.
Now what do you think the result of this is in terms of sexual attractiveness?
If you’re a man reading this, and not already living this way, you probably can’t begin to guess, much less imagine the difference switching on your masculinity in this way can make.
If you’re a woman reading this, and you are fed up with men who can’t emotionally open to you, I just handed you a very important key.
And if you’re up for a challenge, I highly recommend you give this a try.
As always, your questions and comments are welcome.