It turns out that all of those people that talk about their great sex lives… are lying.

That’s right, if you’ve been reading the science journals this month, you’ve probably seen that in one of the most explosive studies ever, a research team from 4 major Universities (Harvard Medical School, Stanford University, Oxford University, and the Sorbonne in Paris) have determined that NOBODY actually enjoys sex.

smallbone and clittrick

Lead Researchers: Dr. Smallbone of Stanford (left) discusses the implications of oral sex with Dr McClittrick of Oxford

Initially the focus of the study had been to determine why some women don’t have orgasms, while others did.

But after careful scientific screening and brain-wave imaging of the trans-occipital O-wave, it was determined that ALL of the women in the “purported orgasm group” were actually faking it!

According to senior study researcher, Dr. Meg A. McClittrick, “Not one of the 1,269 women we studied were actually capable of orgasm, even during lengthy masturbation sessions utilizing a Hitachi Magic Wand.”

Feminist groups moved to quash the study, but news had been leaking for the past year, since one of the graduate student research fellows at Oxford came forward last April 1st and spoke anonymously to reporters of the London Guardian.

But the real explosive revelation was when they extended the research to men and determined that, “though males obviously crave ejaculation on a biological level,” it is simply a biological urge akin to hunger, with “no actual concurrent pleasure during orgasm.”

“Indeed, the entire concept of ‘orgasm’ as we know it, outside of the basic biological function of ejaculation, which is not in and of itself pleasurable, has been proven false,” said Dr. Peter Smallbone of Stanford, quoting a joint statement issued by researchers at 3 of the Universities (the French researchers refused to join in the public statement, as they felt that such a denial could potentially be seen as unpatriotic and a stain on the national identity of the French).

Smallbone and the research team went on to suggest that the very ideas of “passionate sexual pleasure” and the enjoyment of orgasm were perhaps the greatest hoax of modern society, and the most socially accepted and ubiquitous example of the “The Emperor’s New Clothes” Syndrome, where simply nobody was willing to step forward and admit that, actually, sex is quite boring.

Obviously this has radical implications for me and my career, which I suppose has now been exposed as a giant sham, so I suppose this is the last article you’ll ever see from me. My family and I are planning to move out to Alaska where I hope to find work laying pipe for the lubrication industry.

Farewell,

Alex Allman
New York, NY
April 1, 2017