Do you have to be an “alpha male” to get women?

Will your woman leave you if she can get herself a guy who is “more alpha” than you are?

And what the heck is “alpha” anyway?

Get ready my friends, because I’m ripping the band-aide off on this one, and if you’ve been told that you need to just be more alpha to get the girl or to satisfy her sexually, and you’ve been working hard on faking that stuff– hoping some day, through repetition, women will actually think you’ve become Thor or something… then this just might hurt a bit.

Unfortunately, there is a Universe of websites, gurus, and “coaches” out there that are making a living selling this stuff, so you might have heard it… well… everywhere.

And when you hear something everywhere, it starts to feel true.

In this case, it’s pretty much like when everyone believed that trans-fat-soaked margarine was the healthy choice over natural butter. It sounded plausible at the time (no saturated fats!), and then a giant marketing machine got behind it to sell hundreds of millions of American households those little plastic tubs of artery poison.

This alpha male thing has been picked up by all of the men’s websites and men’s online communities out there – the so-called “Man-O-Sphere” – and they talk about it like Moses brought down the instructions for being the ultimate alpha inscribed on stone tablets.

Here’s what “they” say about being an “alpha male”:

1) To be alpha is to LEAD and be DOMINANT at all times

2) The alpha gives no fucks. Not ever.

3) The alpha does not take mere women seriously. Women are second class citizens, maybe even a second class species, and they need to be kept in their place by constantly showing them who’s the boss (which, by the way, they simply can’t resist, and they’ll be soaking their panties and crawling over one-another to get your alpha shaft of manly manhood when you boss them around!).

Here’s what they say about women:

1) Women are not “rational” like men are. They are incapable of rational thought, as they are less advanced mentally, and constantly swayed by their emotions.

2) Women are incapable of integrity. If a woman tells you something today, don’t expect her to keep her word about it tomorrow. It’s not that she’s bad or evil… it’s just that women simply don’t understand what men mean when we discuss the idea of integrity.

3) Women are incapable of sexual fidelity, and will only stay with a man as long as she perceives him as the alpha. Again, not because she’s bad, but simply because women are biologically programmed to only mate with the alpha.

And then there’s THEIR IDIOTIC “SCIENCE”:

Yes, yes, there are actual books written that say this stuff, and yes, you probably once had a teacher that said books are filled with things that are true.

Only… not.

“Popular” scientific theories sell books, and people that write books are mostly in the business of making money on the books they wrote. That’s why so many books have been written about government cover-ups of the aliens at Area 51, and the miracle cure for [insert anything incurable here] that doctors don’t want you to know about and you can do it at home for pennies a day. (Author’s note: I am mentally preparing for the email onslaught from the folks who believe this stuff too).

The thing is, anyone can make massive claims without resorting to any of those pesky things like studies or proof. And they can even point to studies (and they do) that are actually completely unrelated, and then say, “See! This study is proof!” when, truly, it’s not even anything resembling proof.

People are constant referring to Richard Dawkins’ book, “The Selfish Gene” and saying that it proves that women only mate with the fittest alpha males and have simply no choice in the matter– their brains are just wired that way by their selfish genetics. The only thing is… Richard Dawkins would laugh until he threw up if he heard that silly assertion.

I also hear them constantly referring to my friend Geoffrey Miller’s best selling book, “The Mating Mind,” as proof of how women only want dominant alpha males, and that “higher social status” is the only reason a woman will have sex with you. I’ve actually talked to Geoffrey about this, and he was very upset to hear that his research was being utterly misunderstood (or twisted) this way.

And then there are plenty of other writers out there, some even with scientific degrees, who actually DO say this shit. Because it sells books.

Other credible scientists (like Dawkins and Miller) think these guys are idiots, laugh at their stupid fake science, and fume that those jerks are making so much money selling what people just want to hear.


In some gregarious species, notably lions and wolves, each grouping of animals is dominated by one, fierce male. That male, referred to as the “alpha male” of the group, generally has first choice of food after a kill, as well as first (and often even exclusive) choice of mates.

In lion prides, the alpha male gets ALL of the females, and the other male lions can get killed if they attempt to mate with a female in heat.

And if you’ve been suffering through a lonely period without getting any attention from women, you might just feel like one of those “beta” male lions!

But, the things is, you are not actually anything like one of those other lions, because humans don’t have alpha males and beta males in their system of mating. That is just not the science of how our species procreates.

Now it can look a little muddy because very popular men, very powerful men, very high status men… well they very often have more than their fair share of women. So, it’s easy to see TWO women on that guy’s arm, and zero anywhere in your life, and think: He is the alpha! I’m beta!

But, that’s like seeing a dog piss on a parking meter and thinking that dogs ONLY piss on parking meters. In fact, it’s deciding that you ought to piss on parking meters yourself.

Open your eyes:

Women like ALL KINDS OF MEN. Some women go weak in the knees for the starving artist, some for the tough guy, some for the brilliant scientist, and some for singer with the golden voice.

Nearly every woman goes for the man with the confidence and the emotional maturity to be clear and open with his emotions, and the willingness to make an effort to understand hers.

(And nearly every woman is sexually revolted by guys who try to fake that stuff).

Unlike lions where the females do the hunting and the males simply battle each other to the death for the privilege of mating with them… humans are cooperative and co-dependent animals where the males must work TOGETHER for common goals. In tribes where that didn’t happen, the humans died off and their genes were weeded out.

The highest social status male (which is absolutely attractive to women, though not by any means the ONLY attractive quality they look for), is rarely the toughest or the most dominant, or the one that gives no fucks.

In fact, in human groupings, the highest status male usually gives the most fucks, has the most friends, is most concerned with the well-being of the entire group, and knows how to use his emotional intelligence to get the other humans to cooperate more and share both the work and the rewards.

Of course, if the human group you are talking about is an MMA academy, well then it’s quite normal that the highest status guy in that group is going to be the toughest warrior!

And if you go to Davos for the annual meeting of the actual most powerful people in the world, the alpha is hard to find… because you have a group of men and women whose excellence at coordinated effort and collaboration is unparalleled.

If you want to be more popular with the ladies, being intelligent and emotionally generous are going to get you much further than pretending to be a douche-bag.

The douche-bag that gets the ladies… well, he’s getting only a very particular set of women who had troubled childhoods. And more to the point: He’s being his own, authentic, douche-bag self, not faking it.

Can you find women who go for the richest or most powerful man, and will give up any other man for a chance to social-climb? Of course you can. But be careful about using that poor emotionally damaged and jaded girl as your proof that other women will behave the same way.

All women are somewhat attracted to power and status. Just like men are. I mean, why not? But the idea of the “alpha male” is that the alpha is the ONLY one who gets the mate. And that’s just nonsense.

And that stuff about women having less integrity than men: Check the stats on cheating… in the workplace or the bedroom… It turns out that men and women are equally human.