One of the most erotically powerful things you can do to turn on your lover is to become good at being sexually submissive.
Most people have some psychological blocks to both being dominant and submissive, and depending on who you are, one usually seems much more difficult for you than the other… But if you can’t do both, you are cheating your lover out of a lot of fun.
“Submission” has a negative spin on it for most people in our culture…
For men, the idea of being submissive feels like “losing”: The winner dominated, the loser submitted. Or it feels like being weak, and letting someone boss you around.
For women, the idea of being submissive might feel like “admitting men are better than women,” or not having the self-respect of a modern woman. As with men, it feels like you are being weak.
But there are ways in which submitting is noble and highly desirable.
For example: It is only fear, ego-attachment, and insecurity that keeps people from submitting to love.
And when it comes to flying through a storm, it is a course of wisdom to submit to the pilot with the most flying experience.
“Encountered a dominating man but not sure how submission works! How can one not feel like a slave?” – Donna
In the case of being sexually submissive, it is about setting the up the sexual polarity, the erotic charge, that is fueled by dominance and submission.
The example of “leading” and “following” in dance is used all the time, and I’ll use it here.
If both dancers in a couple decide to lead, then it just turns into a weird power struggle that involves getting your feet stepped on a lot.
If both dancers decide to follow, then either nothing happens at all, or you each just dance in your own space near each other, not doing much of anything.
As most women know, learning to follow a lead is HARD, and it requires a lot of focus and attention.
The same is true of sexual submission: It is NOT laying there like a star fish.
Sexual submission is active receiving and enjoyment.
Our sexual wiring contains all sorts of primitive switches that are triggered around being dominated or even humiliated. Things that are delicious to the erotic brain often have no place outside of the bedroom in our ordinary brain.
It turns out that survival and procreation, the two most essential activities of living organisms, have completely separate mental and emotional spaces from the rest of our lives. What is appropriate on the battlefield and in the bedroom have no place in our ordinary lives.
Accept that fact and you get to enjoy entire worlds of pleasure that are closed to you if you insist on pretending that bedroom rules need to look like office rules or social rules.
Submissiveness is a powerful cocktail of emotions that range from awe and appreciation on the sweet side, to fear and humiliation on the spicy side. In the safe container of sexual play with your consensual partner, they are all welcome.
If a woman pushes you onto the bed, tells you that you’re not allowed to move, and then does a maddeningly erotic dance over you, then as a man you can submit by being awed and following orders and feeding her erotic energy with your lust.
If a man holds down your wrists, you can struggle just hard enough to feel his strength without escaping, you can feed on the erotic charge of being powerless and letting that erotic feeling fuel his masculinity and desire.
It is an exchange of energies that spiral upwards in greater and greater erotic turn-on.
Try any of these out and see what happens:
- Whisper: “I’m so turned on right now that you’re scaring me a little”
- Tell your lover to pull your hair
- Plead for what you really want, e.g., “Please, I need you to fuck me now”
- Work on your acting skills: Say “no,” when you really mean YES!
- Work on your telepathy skills: Say, “Please, stop, I can’t take any more,” and psychically beam into your lover’s head, “if you stop now I’ll die”. Or just say both until they get it.
- Struggle just a little bit to get away. If your partner plays along, you can struggle a little bit harder. (Or just tell them what you’re up to and that you want to be held down).
- Advanced with major trust: Let your partner tie you down and do whatever they want to you. (Important: Have a “safe word” that you agree means “seriously stop right now”)
In general men are more comfortable in the sexually dominant role, and generally for heterosexual couples, keeping the man more frequently in the dominant role works well, because being dominant is a masculine characteristic and it reinforces the couple’s natural state of biological attraction.
But just as women can enjoy watching football and men can enjoy smelling a bouquet of flowers, there is nothing wrong with playing in both spaces, and plenty of opportunities for pleasure will be missed if you can’t play both sides.
Plus, if you are currently intimidated or feel weird about playing with dominance or submission, then beginning to play these games will break down fears and ego attachments that will grow you as a person in all aspects of your life.
P.S., PLEASE, PLEASE… Add your own favorite submissive favorites below if you dare. And feel free to comment, question, disagree, and express praise or outrage (yes! punish me!) below…
P.P.S., Update, my friend Dainis wrote an great, seriously researched article on all things dominant/submissive for enhancing sex. Worth a read 🙂
I have found that playing the role of master slave is very healing on many levels for both the male and female. Swapping roles also is deep and healing. Having a woman totally surrender to you is wonderful for a man and the woman can learn to ask for what she really wants if she is the master. Fun and playful too.
I suggested a “safe word” to my lover, to allow her to say “no” when she meant “yes”, & she soon started using the safe word in the same, teasing way. Advice?
Tell her not to. At least not in the bedroom.
It’s fine if she teases you with it over dinner… “care for more wine?” “Cheney!” (I like political safe words myself)
But if you are enjoying really edgy sexual domination…. or if you just tie her up and start tickling her until she can’t breath from laughing… she just might need the safe word to be safe to avoid brain damage.
Explain it to her in a serious manner and I think she’ll get it.
Personally, I do have kind of a bondage fetish. At the very least, now I know why.
The idea of the submissive woman is somewhat repellent , Alex. Are you male or female ? Much of this imagery and ideology is embedded in porn – where women are often subjected to humiliating practices . In my broad experience , women who are willing to offer themselves up as ‘ submissives ‘ are opening themselves up to an imbalance of power and this can lead to extremely abusive and inequity in terms of relationship.
I’d be interested to hear your thoughts
Thank you for the important comment! I’m certain that other readers, both male and female, probably had similar concerns and will be relieved to see you expressing them on their behalf.
You have several important points that are worth discussing here, and that I think many will find this valuable. And even though I disagree with some of your points, I want to be clear that I am grateful for your courage in speaking up for the way you feel, and that I am not trying to “wrong” you by expressing some different ideas here…
“Repellent” is a case of opinion, and in this case, one that is not shared by most people. Most people would say, “arousing,”
and for most others, the term they might use is “threatening.” Sometimes when we feel threatened by something, or even repelled, it is because we have some shame around our own attraction to it.
Sexual submissiveness does not arise from the fact that it appears in a lot of pornography… The reverse is the case: It arises in pornography because men are naturally turned on by it, and we have been turned on by it for thousands, and perhaps millions of years. It is wired into the human animal.
And, as it turns out, it is also wired into women. Thumb through any of the thousands of romance novels and “literotica” that women consume in approximately the same volume as men who subscribe to pornography websites, and you’ll see the recurring theme of the woman overpowered by the strong and dominant man… (out of control of herself and humiliated at her own enjoyment, and then… surrendering). And most of these novels also include a scene where the woman “flips the script” and dominates the strong man with the power of her sexuality that simply un-does him and causes him to surrender to her. I assume you know the level of success that “50 Shades Of Gray” is enjoying?
This is not because we are broken as a culture, but because, as humans, this is something we are wired to enjoy.
Does that mean there is something wrong with you if you don’t enjoy it?
Not at all.
It’s wired into us to like chocolate too. Our evolution makes us crave sources of sugar as energy, and cacao is loaded with antioxidants and flavanoids and phytonutrients that are necessary for health… so our genetics make us crave it. And yet, we know that some folks just find chocolate… repellent.
Do women who offer themselves up as “submissives” open themselves to abusive relationships?
I don’t believe so.
I’m not sure what your “broad experience” is, and I’m sure that some negative consequences can follow from RANDOMLY opening yourself as a submissive on a sadomasochistic or bondage and domination website…
But the fact is, the vast majority of women (and men) love the opportunity to offer themselves to their lover as a submissive. And when that happens in the confines of loving, open, and honest relationship, it can be beautiful, healing, and intensely erotic.
If you are a counselor of abused women, you would likely find that the majority of them had an affinity for being submissive… but that’s because the vast majority of humans have an affinity for being submissive (even those those that are secretive and ashamed of those desires).
It turns out that every single woman who has ever been in an abusive relationship consumed milk as a baby. And yet we know that drinking milk does not cause abuse.
Sexuality involves intense emotions, our highest hopes for love and our basest fears of humiliation. Naturally within sexuality we are going to find both the very best of our loving natures, as well as vast pools of dysfunction and abuse.
Let’s be careful to avoid throwing out the baby with the bath-water.
I created this site to help guide couples towards experiencing the wholeness of complete self-acceptance, and the ability to give one another the kind of unfettered, shared sexual pleasure that opens the doorway to a lifetime of happiness and well-being.
And the practice of deep sexual surrender to your lover is one of the most potent ways to build trust in your relationship and trust in your self.
I have several slaves and they all enjoy a dominant Master who takes charge of most events in their lives when we are together. They understand that it takes trust, respect, a sense of safety before one can submit. After several sessions together it becomes easier and they go out of their way to please. It also gives them the opportunity to explore their sexuality without fear and leads to greater excitement.
And as I remind them, you are my property and I take very good care of my personal belonging. I leave them wanting for more and they will throw themselves at me to get the sexual satisfaction that they had never attained in their life before.
Sexual freedom is a wonderful thing and is the greatest form of enlightenment.
@ Gibb51 Right… They are more like they are addicts. Slaves to their addiction. Property. Pfft. That there is what I hate about some males. Women aren’t objects.
Hey Kathleen, as you may have noticed I did some editing to your comment. Constructive opinions are welcome, personal insults to other readers are not.
And you’re taking the women’s agency by talking only about the man, here. Slave/Master relationships are just that, agreements between two consenting adults.
50 shades of grey has a psychological explanation and if you think it’s all about sex then you need to do a little more research. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/good-thinking/201502/what-50-shades-grey-tells-us-about-women In the third book of the trilogy, James gives us the happy ending her fans want to believe lies at the end of the story for Anastasia and Christian: Happily married and the proud parents of two children. Anastasia has “saved her man,” and he is now freed from his abusive past, free to love Anastasia the way she deserves to be loved. Like men who think, with disastrous results, that they can do their own electrical wiring even though they haven’t the training or the license, women frequently believe that they can “rewire” the abusive men in their lives just by “loving them enough.” The reality is that they usually end up in women’s shelters, psychiatrist offices… or the morgue.
Yes, absolutely, “50 Shades” is a massively naive book with only the weakest relevance to anything that happens in the real world. And there is a clear difference between the huge numbers of people who enjoy BDSM and the occasional kink (or just some mild dominant and submissive, non-BDSM flavor in their bedroom play) and the people who are acting out some kind of abusive past with their lovers. There is nothing to be “cured” in the former, and the latter most certainly will not be cured by emulating the very cheesiest of erotica novels.
These explanations are not to disregard people who are really interested in BDSM/ROUGH SEX. But somebody assuming that all of the people who read and watched 50 shades of grey were in it for the kink is being mistaken.
When you are a submissive you have to trust your partner I can see where you would think it would lead to an abusive relationship and all that shit but it actually has to be somebody who you can truly trust because of the control they have over you at that point and it does not carry into everyday life it’s for the bedroom I am a submissive in the bedroom and a dominant outside of the bedroom so that is not true
My wife and I are fairly religious and even though we experimented with porn in our youth days we have obtained from it for the last 10 years. It wasn’t until 5 years ago we started playing with B.D. (we really don’t enjoy the S.M. portions), now outside the bedroom my wife is total type “A” personality most aspects she “wears the pants” she told me she likes playing the submissive because she is in charge of so much stuff on the outside that sex is where she can actually truly feel she has nothing to worry about she does not have to make any decisions in the bedroom and that helps clear her mind for sex.
I don’t have enough “evidence” to make a scientific claim here, but I have noticed that very frequently, high-powered executive/lawyer/doctor/professional women who have a lot of power in their day-to-day life are especially drawn to being submissive in the bedroom, where they can shed all of that heavy masculinity and recharge their feminine radiance by surrendering more deeply to their man.
I think your evidence, Alex, is all of the high-powered executive/lawyer/doctor/professional men who have been visiting Miss Whiplash (reference for your British readers of a certain vintage) and dressing in baby-gros for decades and longer. Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose.
I understand how you have arrived at that conclusion, however, I invite you to ponder on another perspective. It might be a little abstract so I will do my best to articulate it. As a female i can attest that if you understand the concept of TRUE submission you can NEVER be abused. It is women who have not been trained to know how to be properly vulnerable and distinguish which men are SAFE to be vulnerable with who wind up being abused. A women who understands Proper vulnerabilty knows when it is SAFE to be submissive, vulnerable and yield to her man and when it is not and when she needs to leave that man in the dust. She is a women who is in control of herself, does not blame others and takes responsibility for herself. A women who tries to submit while not understanding this concept will always wind up feeling like a victim or acting like one and putting herself in dangerous situations. True submission takes trust of YOURSELF and deep trust in your partner. Pornography S&M is just a concrete game that is played, like pieces in chess they all have a specific role, one dominate piece on submissive piece, and it is so grossly far removed from real love making and the concept of true submission Alex was talking about that there should be no comparison at all with what Alex is talking about to porn. It is sad that as a nation we are so permeated with porn that so many people don’t even know of the rich world of love making that is available. I throughly enjoy Alex and his very balanced views trying to educate people to concepts that have been buried under mass consumerism of porn. Thank you alex for trying to educate us.
As to Alex, I love that you are addressing this topic. However, I was disappointed with the picture you chose to start off this video, I have nothing wrong with the picture HAD you simply been addressing s&m type of sumbission. However, i feel that by using that picture to illustrate and introduce the coming topic confined the beautiful concepts you were trying to get across to people. Once i watched the video it comes across to me that, if I understood you correctly, you were going beyond concrete games of domination/submission and moving into the more abstract concepts…the very essence of lovemaking. And I really felt that picture could cause many people to miss the very beautiful points you were trying to get across…..just a thought, Alex, keep up the good work.
I wonder if you would have been more comfortable if it had been a picture of a man submitting to a woman.
That certainly is the safe play these days.
Alex and M. I find you both wonderously kind and professional in your answers to L. I’m grateful to have become associated here as a student of Alex and friends.
Now MY contributon to submissivness…….Several years ago I said to my lover, ”
“Do you want to know what it feels like to be a man?” Of course she was intrigued and said “Yes. How can you DO that?”
I had her mount me and my erection in the cowgirl position, then had her lay face down on my chest and move her legs together carefully and lock my cock in with her legs closed. Then I spread my legs wide and let her start fucking ME in the missionary possition, just like I’d been doing her a while before.
We tried several variations of this. She could put great downward pressure on the base of my penis which felt great to me and gave her terrific clitoral stimulation too against both my shaft and pelvis. She worked it out and REALLY got into it. I both wrapped my legs around her and spread my legs as wide as possible to more accomodate her and anything she wanted to do.
After wards she said, “Wow! No wonder you guys love that! YOU have all the power and control! I didn’t KNOW.” We both had a big laugh and it became a regular part of our reperatoire.
Ha, this is BEAUTIFUL. Thank you for the contribution. I should add this one to my next book!
@Rick That is pretty special. It was so nice of you to give her control like that as if she’s never had it before. Power and control is a mindset though. Sounds like she’s never had that mindset. I hope you two have a lovely sex life.
I am very grateful and impressed at how balanced this discussion is. Loving couples who let down their defenses and open up with trust have something extraordinary.
I have a concern. I know what it is to be dominated by an abusive man–it is more complicated than that having “an affinity for being submissive”. I was the pants in the household and earned all the money. He controlled by being weak. He also controlled with fear and a good dollop of humiliation. Are these turn ons? Of course. Did it make me feel good all over? No. I was incapacitated by outrage. Does that justify good orgasms? No. Would I want to revisit that level of fear induced turn on? Never.
Let’s approach the “human wiring” from the outside in toward your position. Start with the battlefield. What do men sometimes “naturally” want to do after killing. Rape. Their adrenals and testosterone are off the charts. What happens during mock to mild violence in the bdsm scene? The body produces a chemical cocktails associated with FEAR. Fear and excitement are so closely matched, they are often confused. Horror movies make great dates, because the fear presents as excitement. Fear can feel exactly like sexual arousal.
There’s another aspect. Animals that are about to be attacked and eaten have a third response besides fight or flight–it is freeze. They are locked in place, as they know they are about to die. They actually start to leave their bodies. This, I am convinced is “the floaty feeling” some report in the bedroom during submission. It is the body preparing to die, it is so scared. I imagine this is the allure of asphyxiation games.
If we followed this outside-in road map to sexual thrills, brought on my adrenaline and testosterone and chemical numbing in preparation for death then, we might be reading columns that tell us to get our thrills by killing, grabbing our chain saws, or otherwise flirting with death. It leads to great sex right? Of course this is patently absurd.
But if you go from the other direction and start with, surrender. Fine. Go down the line–tie me up. What’s next–hurt me a little. Now let’s try humiliation. All in the quest for that better and better turn on. Alex says, you can do stuff in the bedroom that does not belong in the board room, because we are wired that way. Well, we are wired for rape after killing. It does not mean we should do it.
Alex, I love that you encourage honesty and exploration. But there are some frontiers where there is just a stop sign. Do I want to bring the stench of being humiliated out of the bedroom into the rest of my day, in the name of having a good come? No. Never. There may be others who ‘don’t take it personally’. That’s great. I’ve just seen how it can creep out of the bedroom into every day life and reinforce low self esteem and worse, fear of conflict, speaking up and at its worse become, pardon the pun, the dominant pattern in the relationship.
Thank you for your important warnings Catherine.
Abuse and manipulation are dangers in any relationship (not only romantic relationships).
The subject of this video is sexual submission within the framework of a loving and trusting couple… or at minimum, a couple who are both self-accountable and self-responsible with their boundaries.
While the conversation drifted into things like bondage and humiliation, it is not the center of what I intended to talk about. And certainly things like abuse and rape are way outside of the scope of this video, though obviously very important subjects in their own right.
My friends and deep-thinkers Bryan Franklin and Jennifer Russel have a model that I find extremely valuable that puts “victim/perpetrator” on one side and “accountable” on the other. In other words, in their model, a person who is “accountable” for themselves and their actions will find themselves neither the victim nor the perpetrator in their relationships. They will not find themselves self-identifying as victim or perpetrator.
In this model both the victim and the perpetrator are part of the same system that causes the problem. Being self-accountable makes it your responsibility to not be neither a victim nor a perpetrator.
It sounds as if your experience in the past as a victim has re-invented you as a accountable and aware of your boundaries. An important lesson and one that I’m glad you’ve shared here.
I want to make it very clear to my readers that “surrender” and “submissive” in the sense that I am using those ideas, is to be accountable and not to be a victim.
as a woman honestly playing the submissive role is fine, glad to make my partner happy in all his requests (focused on him, which has been pretty much the same for every guy i have ever been with) but jeez after ten years in the same sexual role i am bored. always being in the submissive/servant role sexually doesn’t interest me really anymore, really it has never been that arousing to me. if this is what men truly want then cool i am happy to make my partner happy, feed his ego, whatever. but at this point it doesn’t feel super engaging to me, and i find my mind wanders quite a bit during sexual activities where i am in a submissive role.
Well there are a lot of ways to be submissive, and I don’t suggest you do ANYTHING all the time. And, every person is different, and if you are not turned on by being submissive… don’t do it!
Here are some important thoughts though– in this post, “submissive” does not mean “make my partner happy in all his requests” or “focused on him”. It means RECEIVING. It means following his lead, but still taking the space of his lead to do your own erotic dance.
And of course, if your man fails to lead or leads you to something dull… if the best your partner can do is lead in a way that leave your mind wandering during sexual activities… then submissive is not such a good idea.
Being the “submissive” in the way I mean it, means actively being the object of his desire and encouraging his masculine boldness, encouraging him to lead you into something fun, exciting, orgasmic.
You write: “if this is what men truly want then I am happy to make my partner happy,” understand that you have it backwards. What (most) men want the most is to make YOU happy.
Just doing what he wants is probably “fine” for him. But if you want to “blow his mind” then create opportunities for him to show up as the heroic lover that makes you come until you’re out of breath from too much pleasure.
There is a distinct difference.
I very much agree with what Alex has written (though one of the confines of this article and comments is that the lens here is very heterocentric — queer people engage in submission and domination, as well).
But back to Alex’s comment.
I think an element that maybe wasn’t highlighted in the article and is missed by most people who haven’t experienced it is regarding what the dominant’s role is.
I am submissive but far from what my bedroom activities might lead people to think have always felt that my pleasure was a priority and that I was the center of attention in what we were doing.
I think that people think that being a dominant makes you a sadistic or nasty person (in casual parlance a dick) but I actually think that being a good dominant is difficult and requires you to care about what your submissive is feeling and be attuned to it.
You are pleasing your submissive who wants to give you their control or have you take their control, for various reasons. For me, I enjoy giving over control because I am, in my every day life very responsible, controlled and very much a leader.
The sub space is something that is appealing because I can relax into it. My dominant leads — and he always leads me into intriguing, interesting and sexually satisfying places.
Submission is not something that I could do with someone whom I did not trust completely and for me with someone with whom I did not have a deep emotional connection.
I know that as he dominates me that it’s about pleasing me and drawing his pleasure from mine — as well as from the control itself and reinforcement of masculinity.
The dominant role is actually quite difficult as you are totally responsible for the other person and their pleasure in that space and for spinning the journey on which you are going.
There is an excellent article on what good domination is here http://www.xojane.com/sex/im-sexually-submissive-but-please-dont-ask-me-to-finger-a-stranger-the-trials-and-tribulations-of-kinky-dating
It is not Christian Grey.
Again, big thanks HYC, this is a great contribution to the conversation. And yes, this site is most certainly speaking directly to a hetero-centric group, and while I think many of my post apply to all humans in general, a lot of what is here is pretty specific to the experience of that narrow group (that includes me) that I feel confident in advising.
Your input here is greatly appreciated, and I whole-heartedly agree with all of it.
I think you are overly idealistic. Most men have an entitlement view of sexuality and tend to use sexual submissiveness in a woman to gratify themselves with no thought to pleasuring the woman. Women who will go to this extreme in servicing a man have probably been sexually abused earlier in life.
Hi Marie, I’m so sorry that you have this negative view of both men and women.
I assure you that there is nothing idealistic about my post. I’m not posting about ideals here, I’m posting about real couples, real men, real women that I have worked with across years.
Playing with sexual dominance and submission in the context I’ve laid out here is normal stuff for most sexually happy and healthy couples, and both men and women enjoy playing both of these roles with each other.
Of course we know that a troublingly large number of women (and men) have been sexually abused as children, and many of those women will have bad reactions to this kind of play, and that must be respected. Not only is it wrong-headed to assume that a woman who enjoys this sort of natural play has been abused (the opposite is more likely to be true), but I find it upsetting that would throw childhood sexual abuse as a sort of pejorative insult towards women who enjoy sex in ways that you personally find difficult to understand.
I assure you that your definition of “most” men is far from true, but of course I do believe that that has been YOUR experience of men.
The truth is that some men do have an entitlement view of sex. And more than that, many men have a “side of themselves” that may show up that way, that can be brought to the surface by women who expect it from them. Most humans will rise (or sink) to your expectations of them.
Marie Alex is right…He’s speaking to the average healthy sexually active partners couples, spouses, etc. There is always a level of dom. sub. that is completlying mind blowing and turns people on the be teased and invited in this contect…he Tarzan me,Jane sort of primal thing….Im sorry someone took that away from you or your view of it…But Alex’s write up is correct in most unions it is extremely powerful and real!
I think you mis-read me when you replied: “but I find it upsetting that would throw childhood sexual abuse as a sort of pejorative insult towards women who enjoy sex in ways that you personally find difficult to understand.
“Women who will go to this extreme in servicing a man have probably been sexually abused earlier in life.” Servicing wasn’t meant to imply enjoyment. By servicing I meant complying, enduring – nothing to do with enjoyment of any kind.
As far as male entitlement – I do not think my expectations bring this out in a man. Is there such a creature as a man who does not feel entitled to climax if a woman is naked, affectionate and in bed with him? Is he concerned about whether she actually wants penetration? Does he not become angry and accuse the woman of being a tease if she does not want penetration? If she only wanted closeness and affection? Women comply and endure more often than men realize. Male sexual entitlement is the social norm – it is one major reason women have difficulty receiving vaginal pleasure – she comes to view her vagina as something the man in entitled to, rather than as a source of pleasure for herself. Unfortunately a woman’s first experience of vaginal penetration is uncomfortable and usually with a young, sexually entitled, clumsy man, loving, but ignorant of female sexuality. Once the neural pathway of non response is ingrained through repetition of compliance, it is difficult to recover the vagina’s abilities for sexual response – sometimes any response. Also, a woman learns from the media and personal experience even pre-puberty, that her body is a source of pleasure for men, without opportunity to learn that it is also a source of pleasure for her. This also sets up patterns of non-response; she has no social support or basis of expectation that her body is to be a source of pleasure for her. As you know, a woman’s body is a treasure house of potential pleasure, but due to centuries of male dominance, the wondrous responsiveness of a woman’s body is now only accessible through much study and technique on the part of the male plus a lot of trust and security on the part of the female and a feeling that her partner is granting her permission to feel pleasure.
I am so grateful for teachers such as you and the many others like you out there. Unfortunately for me and the men I have engaged and still engage with, I have many negative attitudes and a history of destructive actions towards men which so many of them in no way deserved. I am certainly not the only woman in this category. Your work is making for a better world.
After reading your comments that this is what young prepubescent women learn is not true, they haven’t been guided properly. From my experience in how I’ve been raised, I have always been a strong independent woman who has experienced a lot in several years of my young life but have come to be a submissive by choice for the pleasure. When turning 16, my grandma helped guide the female part of my family by giving us books about different sexual experiences. We also felt comfortable talking to our grandma because of the trusting relationship she had with us. The main part we were told is that pleasing the partner may seem to be the important part but you have to have pleasure yourself. We were given a task once in college, a vibrator, a card and were told to write down 5 sensual parts on ourselves that we could explore our selves or with a partner. This was to be able to find pleasure in ourselves! (My fiancé helped me with this part and my god it was fun!) I cannot tell you how it goes I the rest of the family.
Before my fiancé, I had been in a sexual, emotional, physical abusive relationship and I still have trauma from that. It has affected my sexual experiences from time to time but I have been able to work through it because of my fiancé.
Being a submissive is all about pleasure for me and my fiancé. It is arousing and erotic to have my fiancé in total control. Yes, we do have bondage as part of that but I do get to use it on him at some points 😉 The Maine goal is getting pleasure from the torture and most of the time he does not ask for penetrative sex or for any type of ejacualtion. The thrill of being able to pleasure the submissive is a big goal of a dominant. For me being a submissive and partly a wonderful fiancé I love pleasuring him in return. Yes we have had our ups and downs while trying out new things but this is what we enjoy! It is also dependent on how much you want to go into it. Sex should be fun for both parties, with any type of sexual relationship, not just bdsm. If bdsm isn’t for you, then it isn’t for you!
After having worked in my profession for sometime, you learn and see many different types of relationships. I had a lady in their 80’s tell me that you just have to be happy with yourself and make sure that you don’t forget about you and your pleasures. She got onto the topic of sex but my god she does remind me of my grandma! I have seen relationships of all sorts, but it is what the woman want. Even a sexually abusive relationship will go on, even after help is offered in confidentiality with out the partner around because the person refuses. These males or females are far and few in between but they did not have the right help around at the right time. On that part, I almost dropped out of college and could have ended up pregnant with an abusive guy if my friends had not stepped in at the time. This relationship was not conveyed at the time to my Grandmother due to the humiliation of what I had gotten myself into. I will tell the story now to any of my patients if they ask or want to know. I have conveyed this to my younger siblings as well when they had become of a certain age. These stories of abuse should be told because no one should be in those relationships. You just need to make sure you don’t set yourself up for those relationships. Bdsm was not involved in that abusive relationship.
I’m a successful women in the work place. I’m also a devoted and loving mother. I have found most sexual relationships to be boring quickly. Just the same old thing, covering the bases and sex.
I love the role playing. It’s exciting. It’s all new to me. My lover knows my body better than any one ever has. And he takes his time. Being submissive, and letting go, maybe not being able to move or see…..as he walks around and admires me. And how he takes his time to pleasure me. And how much he loves to make me cum. I mean….it just doesn’t get any better than that! He still opens my doors and pays for dinner, lol, and protects me from everyone. He doesn’t belittle me or abuse me. Or I would have his ass in court.
Being submissive to him is wonderful. Exciting, and gives me pleasure that I have never had with a man. Women shouldn’t sleep with strangers period. I don’t sleep around ever. I’m a good girl, lol and it excites me to be submissive to a man that is good to me. There is nothing wrong with loving a man who loves to make me squirm and squirt!;)
Oh yes AMEN sister!
I get turned on when I’m being sexually lightly told what to do and being caressed , & handled while my hands r tied or he holds them down ect.. but ONLY if my guy gets turned on by that? It’s like i get super turned on but only if I know he’s liking this roll play and it’s genuinely turning him on! But If he’s doing it just Cz I want to feel submissive tonight, but it doesn’t turn him on much, then I won’t want to do it!! Why do u think it is that I like to play light submissive girl, but will only get super hot when I know for sure it’s making my guy super hot?? Ex: light hair pulling, body caressing, him telling me not to move, hold my arms down , telling me what he likes, watching me, sexual compliments, shushing me, covering my eyes or mouth , lightly ect.. Nothing real aggressive! If he’s doing those kind of things to me n it turns him on , I get super turned on. I get bored with normal dirty talk n the same type of typical sex each time (oral sex, 69, Bj’ then sex) boring!!! But this new guy I’m seeing is not catching my hints to what I like n keeps the traditional dirty talk/sex each time! Argggg. Even if I start with asking him to hold my arms down, he apparently doesn’t know to then keep it going? He shoots straight for talking about licking my p*** or talking about me giving him a Bj, not enjoying me being submissive, directing me, caressing, being imaginative ect.. Just goes straight for the dick in the V ??? Really??? Someone tell me how to get him to see what I like and to make sure once he knows that it’ll turn him on too. Otherwise like I said “if me playing light submission doesn’t turn my partner in, then I won’t get turned on”. Any advice is welcome????
My ex boyfriend and I used to love doing dom/sub stuff. He’d drag me off to the bedroom and I’d fight him until he tied me down. He might chock me, pull my hair to get me to go with him, or shove me against the wall for a passionate kiss.
It was always very intense and extremely passionate. He never hit or abused me and stayed well within our boundaries, that had been discussed at lenght prior to our first session. We’ve played with ice as well as blades, where he would tell me to stay still and drag it down my skin along my chest and neck. I loved those sesssions. We both did.
He paid attention to me, never used enough force to cuase pain, and was always gentle, even when being rough. And I loved it when he talked to me in a rougher, commanding voice. I was the one who started buying the bondage gear. A set of velcro under the bed cuffs. I used them on him first before he used them on me.
Communication is key, and the dom staying away from the things the sub says they refuse to do keeps the trust and passion alive. It greatly improved and enhanced our sex life, and never led to any problems for us. Later, we spoke and he said he felt bad after a few of them, like he’d gone too far and it felt like rape to him. I reassured him I’d never felt like that, and we switched up some of what we where doing so he wouldn’t feel upset about them.
Something many don’t consider is the dom’s feelings about an encouter. I wanted him to enjoy it as well and feel comfortable with what we’re doing. If not, something is wrong and needs to change. Both parties should enjoy the sessions.
I have been dating a man and tomorrow we have planned our first sexual encounter. One which involves me being submissive to him. We have discovered it is both our fantasies him to be dominant and me to be submissive, a sex slave. Neither of us have had a partner prior that would let us carry this out. So excited to go to this level. Any tips to make better? He’s into bondage and blindfold? I want him to enjoy this beyond anything he ever has , to make his fantasy happen
I love a man to to say things to me if things goes this route of intense arousal instead of sensual lovemaking, but if it becomes just really hot and heavy about sexual release for both of us, I love my liver to say, ” You like that dont you?” ” Is this what you want?” you get the picture of where this is going men often underestimate the power of a good man outside of the bedroom being dominant in a way that creates primal desire for a woman teasing is very important to women to reach heights of the ramp up in real intense passionate sex….Women love a man to take charge and as you have said before hold her hips down if she tries to get shy and say ” Its ok I want to taste you…” This drives women wild trust me men! Then our fantasies probably are just as much bad girl as your bad boy ones you’d be very suprised at what we are fantasizing about when you do this to us…it is mind blowing…Trust me!
I have been enjoying a mild vanilla switching between dominating and submitting until I talked with my partner and we agreed that I should totally submit to her… We worried that this could affect our relationship, and it actually did! Now, I spend 18 hour per day being erected, I appreciate every word, look or touch of hers, she has multiple orgasms every time she decides to get some pleasure out of me, it is simply amazing! Actually it is so good that we both wondered why we didn’t do that earlier! At least for me, submitting to my partner in contradiction to the stereotypes of the strong dominant male, lead to new and exciting fields of pleasure, I highly recommend a try.
YES! There is nothing wrong with the reversal, and bravo for you and your partner that you had the open-mindedness and confidence to figure out what was most enjoyable for your chemistry together.
Boy oh boy. I desire to be a very horny submissive male.
I actually should have posted this article regarding Dominnants and how sexual selfishness does not a good Dom make earlier http://redlipstickproject.com/2016/04/08/nice-guys-best-doms/
I’m sure as with everything else there is much variation but my experience as a submissive has been of a Dom who is attentive to my needs and my pleasure.
He is a giver. Our time together is definitely not just about his orgasm.
He gives me what I want which is him leading what we do (I never know what will happen next), restraint, spanking, calling me names I would not find okay in other contexts and referring to me and my body as belonging to him, me begging for things including permission to come, plus calling him Sir.
Outside the bedroom, our relationship is fairly egalitarian – though I prefer him leading in terms of coming up with suggestions for where we might go, do, etc.
I am very responsible in just about every aspect of my life with much and many people depending on me so I like not having to do that all the time.
If he thinks of what I might like and comes up with the suggestions then I am happy to follow. Note, I said that he thinks about what I might like or find interesting. For some submissives what they would like is being “made” to accept an option they would not otherwise choose.
And I’m also okay with him picking out things for me to wear for similar reasons and also because he always chooses well.
I do have plenty of strong opinions that I voice, nonetheless. He’s gentle, intellectual and mild-mannered outside of our play space. I think being dominant in it allows him to take on a persona he would not otherwise have access to.
I know that he respects me and values my thoughts and opinions. I would consider myself to be an intersectional feminist. Once when we were arguing, I did have fun by pointing out that we were not in sub space : )
I have found that rather than being alienating or objectifying (as portrayed in mainstream media and porn) that our D/S play has connected us in strong ways.
That’s the thing – when you look at a D/S couple you can only see their actions. You cannot see their dynamic — what is really going on between them or what is going on internally with each of the partners and those things that you cannot see matter a lot in D/S.
An image may show someone tied up but cannot tell you how the person feels about it, what their partnership is like, in short how they experience submission.
I would not do D/S with just anyone (for me they have to be a giver who prioritizes me), they have to be someone I trust totally and with whom I have a strong emotional connection. My Dom is also very creative. The scenarios he spins for us are intricate and profoundly fulfilling.
I switch into the dominant role sometimes and I know that I am not up to his level of imaginativeness and versatility (the stories shift as we move through them).
There were comments here about how most men are callous and just out to get off. My response would be that those men would not make good doms.
Keep in mind that submissives can choose their Dom and can walk away if s/he does not satisfy.
There were comments about how much in sub space is due to surges in neurotransmitters. I think it does have a strong chemical base, but don’t think that is necessarily a bad thing.
I don’t drink, smoke or do any kind of drugs so outside of yoga which sometimes leaves me with a similar floaty feeling and labour (I am a mother) my only experience with an altered transcendent space has been through being submissive. I feel like this is one of the safer ways to go there. It is exquisite especially in that it is a shared reality that for my coupling reinforces (there is some indication that this is via neurotransmitters, too) our bond.
I have experienced sub drop as well but that is another story.
THANK YOU for a great addition to the conversation from the inside! I appreciate you taking the time to share your insights with us.
I use sex as a control merged if I make them cum first I win the argument they lose their powerand become weakens and submissive its a great way to keep the sex fun and argue in a constructive format
I would like to thank you for the forum in the safe environment you have created. I read every post and understand all the points made. Understand is the operative word. Agree or disagree with them is like one person saying tomAto to another saying tomAHto. It is all in the perspective, or glasses so to speak, that each individual chooses to view the world through.
I was fortunate to have had a unusual upbringing. I was trained by a Japanese nanny the art of pleasing my man. My pleasure came from witnessing his pleasure. Nothing more. There was never about my wants, curiosity, or needs. It was solely about pleasuring him. I thought that all women did this so why would I second guess it. Liken it to if you never had it you never missed it.
Fast forward to many years, children, and grandchildren later. I found myself a widow left behind by a wonderful loving husband. At my families insistence I tried online dating. A serious let down by both sides. The mind set, the only one I knew, I lived was now extinct and the men “of today” wanted a contradiction of women ( look great, be strong, laugh at all his jokes, be arm candy without an opinion but stand up and speer head the relationship while he sips martinis). Just a few days before I was to close the chapter on these online games a gentleman approached me. After just a few emails he asked if I had Dom. I naïvely said yes every New Years eve. He very patiently explained although it is celebrated and anticipated like the holiday he was actually talking about Dom’s and sub’s. After the glow of embarrassment faded I timidly asked him to explain. Well weeks later he helped me to understand the giving and receiving, if done correctly with the right partner, is equally passionate and rewarding for BOTH. What a concept! He has created a safe world for both of us to explore and experience. Not unlike wanting a husband to be the leader, hunter, protector, teacher, guide, lover, and friend, I am blessed to have found all these traits as well as the freedom to be pleased and still share my years of training from so long ago. He supports my desires to try new things in and out of our intimate life and makes me feel safe as well as confident enough to take the chance.
In conclusion, I am no ones doormat. I do not roll over and become a brainless idiot. I am a proud business owner with a very strong reputation for being determined, accomplished, fair, and well educated. Not to mention very successful. And now I proudly have the title of sub to add to my many accomplishments. I took the small chance to look at something through new glasses and the rewards have multiplied a hundred fold and for that I will always be thankful.
Thank you Alex for the opportunity and supportive place to share my new exciting journey.
I am a woman who has always secretly desired this. I never understood though how I could be such a kick ass independent woman day to day and secretly desire a completely dominant man / submissive woman relationship. Now ive started reading and exploring I understand how what can happen sexually can sometimes have no place in the real world. Its something thats been missing in my life though. Ive now met some lovely men to start exploring this with, intelligent, respectful. And one man who is amazing at slowly making it all feel natural. He gives me lists of tasks to complete that have made me feel so free and relaxed and erotic. As a confident secure independent corporate woman and mum, i get to be totally the opposite in the bedroom which makes me feel feminine erotic relaxed sexually exhilarated and more. Im more balanced and content overall.
First of all I’d like to say that I love how you explain and describe everything in your publication and answers and I wonder if you can help me with something; I was raped various years ago by the person who was my partner, since then sex has been a rare ocasion as I tend to end up with anxiety or disconnecting, which as you can understand is no fun.
Apart from that, I have always been quite reserved in most sexual acts but have always craved to let go and just enjoy myself.
My new partner has told me he likes being a Sir as he calls it and explained how it can work and I am very intrigued by this world.
My question is, has anyone here had a partner with a similar past that can give me some tips and introduce me into this world?
Thank you beforehand!
If you’re intrigued, then you’re not alone. A lot of men and women are drawn in by that kind of sexual play, and if everyone is a consenting adult, then play is good.
If I were to put on my amateur and unwarranted psychoanalysts hat, I’d point out that something from the rape made you feel like sex is bad (because it can be weaponized), and that in order to honor your anger, humiliation, and hurt, a part of you feels a need to disconnect and otherwise not enjoy sex ever again.
The long term goal should be to bring that hurt and angry part of yourself forward so that you can love her, comfort her, help her understand that there doesn’t need to be any blame or shame on her, and finally make her feel safe enough to enjoy love making on your own terms.
And while you might always continue to enjoy playing the submissive, you might recognize that part of the allure is that in being a submissive, you get to surrender all of your will, your thoughts, your shame, your fault, and all of of the other irrational crap in there and let your partner take the control and responsibility. It’s quite seductive.
Play safe, introduce a safe word! And remember that underneath the play, the sexy game of it… you still have your own agency. You are the boss of your body. You get to decide when the game is over. And nobody can give or take away your value and your preciousness as a human– not your new Sir, and absolutely not the rape.
How to get my boyfriend make me the submissive
It is a deep conversation to understand how to give a man feedback of what you’d like from him sexually without triggering insecurities, resentment, or other emotions rooted in childhood shame. I really recommend you check out my program, Revolutionary Sex For Her (https://revolutionarysexforher.com) and get the bigger picture.
Otherwise, you could start by trying, “It really turns me on when you take control in the bedroom and tell me what to do.”
But be mindful of not saying it as a criticism of how it wasn’t very good this last time… you want it to sound like you’re turned on thinking of the time he did it in some way, shy, teasing, uncertain, flirty, and fun.
Nothing hotter than 230 lbs of muscle holding you down, stopping brief blood flow to your brain so it creates more euphoria (aka proper choking technique) or just being manipulated around the bed for his need.
I am not a weak, wall flower woman.. my husband is not abusive.. however, letting him rough me up in bed or when he needs sex is almost so natural we’ve never known differently. We dont have sexual frustration or feel bored. Just my personal experience been married 9 years 🙂
I’m very new to the D/s world. I’m a virgin of sorts.
My husband is a Dom. When we reconnected 2 years ago, after many years apart, he found me on fb and reached out to me….well, it’s been a whirlwind romance ever since. (We went to highschool together but never dated.) We were engaged after 2.5 months and married at 6 months.
I’m very passionate and sexual, although I’ve only had “vanilla relationships.” When we reconnected, he told me he was a Dom and had a “harem of women.” ie:4. Harem, being my word. I immediately was turned off by this….I didn’t want to be one of 5. I told him, I don’t share.
His response was that he was tired of this lifestyle…that he was unfulfilled and wanted more…that he was bored, tired and hating it, that it was too much work.
Fast forward to 5 months ago, appx., at our 18 month point, in our relationship, and he can’t stop talking about having another woman to “play with.” He says he wants to please me and show me things I’ve never experienced before. While I am intrigued about being his sub, and am learning as much about it as I can….i do not want anyone else in our relationship. This is a hard stop for me…Even if we “played,” I would never want to have him touch another sexually, or vice versa. He tells me not to be threatened, that I have to be secure in us as a baseline and know that it’s just playing.
The problem is…he has since told me, that he doesn’t think we are perfectly matched and that since he loves me so much, he doesn’t want to take me down this road, but he knows what he likes and this is what he wants. He is giving me 2 choices, pretty much…1) we play like he wants, and I’m destroyed, or 2) he leaves me to preserve my heart, and I’m destroyed that way! why can’t there be a 3rd option where we work on things together to find a happy medium. He says, ” you’re not in control here, are you trying to tell me what I like? This isn’t your show.” WTH?!!
I love my husband with all my heart and would never think of leaving him, no matter what! I can’t help but feel this is incredibly selfish. He keeps saying, “but you’re not into ANY of this.” Which is not true! I like spankings, rope play and role play and want to explore more D/s tbings….i just want it in a monogamous way.
Btw, he has admitted he honestly thought he was done with the lifestyle involving other women, but that link like this has always been a part of his life, off and on.
I did not know that. He is well aware I want and wanted a traditional type marriage, between just us.
Hi PBB, I wish I had some great ninja-trick for you here, but unfortunately you really can’t force someone else to work on things if they don’t want to.
Now while I really don’t want to cast judgment on anyone, and I’m certainly not the ultimate authority on anyone else’s choices in their relationships, I will say that while I’m a fan of B&D for those that enjoy it in the bedroom… taking it out of the bedroom and actually relating to each other that way in the real world is repulsive in many ways– and it sounds to me like your husband doesn’t want to be questioned because he’s the Dom. He’s the boss. He’s the one who makes decisions for himself, and for YOU (or you can hit the road).
Now while some cultures (I’m looking at you Saudi Arabia) have this so baked in that a man who feels this way there is simply behaving in the only way he knows (and I still find it objectionable in every way), a man who wants to create that in our culture probably has some narcissistic personality issues.
All of that said: He gets to want what he wants, and you can’t really talk him out of that. You can, of course, try to talk him into giving up what he wants in the name of his love for you, but it doesn’t sound like that’s working.
On the other hand, there is some truth to what he’s saying about your jealousy around bringing in another partner is rooted in insecurity. You’re afraid that he’s like her better, find her more attractive, more delicious, abandon you for her. And if you are sexually drawn to the additional-partner-play, then there is a lot to be gained from overcoming those insecurities and discovering that you can enjoy a third in your sexual relationship without it harming your emotional relationship and your love…
Or that would be how it is in an ideal world…
However, he’s given you every reason to be insecure about it.
He’s already changed his mind a few times. He was bored with the old lifestyle, now he wants it back. He thought you guys were perfect for each other, now he sees incompatibilities. He gives you ultimatums that clearly imply that he’d choose this lifestyle over you, so why would you believe he’d not choose to leave you at some later date?
There is an underlying emotional immaturity here. There is no other woman or dozen other women that will fill his need for sexual validation. Men who are suited to long-term, stable, loving relationships must first mature through this need for validation, and then they can begin to focus on the reasons that you give up sexual variety in the name of something deeper that can only be nurtured through devotion.
I know plenty of polyamorous couples who successfully “play” with others. But first and foremost they have devotion, and they would never issue the ultimatum your husband gave you.
This might be a hard truth to face, but if you go down this road with him, you do so at your own risk, and no risk to him. He’s already announced that he’s good without you.
I don’t know you, and I’m not offering any clear advice to you for all kinds of moral and legal reasons, but I am pointing strongly to what I see as the avoided facts of your situation. I believe that if you leave him you will discover with a bit of distance that you dodged a bullet and that you were working very hard to keep your love-blinders on and avoid seeing the many other symptoms of a narcissistic personality that would have never led you to long term happiness.
I have a dominate lover during the week he rings an texts different tasks one of which is to stop m house hold jobs and finger myself for him and telk him how it feels and tastes if i dont tell him in detail he makes me play to orgasm and makes me stop as punishment or he will ring me while my husband is in and tell me to leave the room and rub my nipples for 5 minutes and then rub my clit knowing its turning me on and i might get caught when im all juicy and horny to go and be near my husband and later ask me how it felt when i was so aroused
Can someone be dominant and still ask what you like? What turns you on? Etc
Here are 2 important distinctions for you Kae–
First: Of course you can dominantly say: “Tell me everything that turns you on.”
Second: More importantly, it’s boring… and quite possibly silly to try to be dominant all of the time. I think men get really confused and messed up by reading about how “women only like dominant men.” This turns out to be both a bag of nonsense AND turns you into a performing monkey, always pretending to be dominant, even when you don’t feel like it. Women FAR PREFER A MAN WHO IS AUTHENTIC, who has a range of behaviors, from dominant to tender, from fierce to playful, from earnest to silly, from physical to sensual. So, yeah, you don’t have to be dominant all the time and you can ask her whatever you want, AND you can still be dominant when it’s fun for both of you for you to be dominant.
I so want to get into this! But don’t no how to start?!?!