One of the most erotically powerful things you can do to turn on your lover is to become good at being sexually submissive.
Most people have some psychological blocks to both being dominant and submissive, and depending on who you are, one usually seems much more difficult for you than the other… But if you can’t do both, you are cheating your lover out of a lot of fun.
“Submission” has a negative spin on it for most people in our culture…
For men, the idea of being submissive feels like “losing”: The winner dominated, the loser submitted. Or it feels like being weak, and letting someone boss you around.
For women, the idea of being submissive might feel like “admitting men are better than women,” or not having the self-respect of a modern woman. As with men, it feels like you are being weak.
But there are ways in which submitting is noble and highly desirable.
For example: It is only fear, ego-attachment, and insecurity that keeps people from submitting to love.
And when it comes to flying through a storm, it is a course of wisdom to submit to the pilot with the most flying experience.
“Encountered a dominating man but not sure how submission works! How can one not feel like a slave?” – Donna
In the case of being sexually submissive, it is about setting the up the sexual polarity, the erotic charge, that is fueled by dominance and submission.
The example of “leading” and “following” in dance is used all the time, and I’ll use it here.
If both dancers in a couple decide to lead, then it just turns into a weird power struggle that involves getting your feet stepped on a lot.
If both dancers decide to follow, then either nothing happens at all, or you each just dance in your own space near each other, not doing much of anything.
As most women know, learning to follow a lead is HARD, and it requires a lot of focus and attention.
The same is true of sexual submission: It is NOT laying there like a star fish.
Sexual submission is active receiving and enjoyment.
Our sexual wiring contains all sorts of primitive switches that are triggered around being dominated or even humiliated. Things that are delicious to the erotic brain often have no place outside of the bedroom in our ordinary brain.
It turns out that survival and procreation, the two most essential activities of living organisms, have completely separate mental and emotional spaces from the rest of our lives. What is appropriate on the battlefield and in the bedroom have no place in our ordinary lives.
Accept that fact and you get to enjoy entire worlds of pleasure that are closed to you if you insist on pretending that bedroom rules need to look like office rules or social rules.
Submissiveness is a powerful cocktail of emotions that range from awe and appreciation on the sweet side, to fear and humiliation on the spicy side. In the safe container of sexual play with your consensual partner, they are all welcome.
If a woman pushes you onto the bed, tells you that you’re not allowed to move, and then does a maddeningly erotic dance over you, then as a man you can submit by being awed and following orders and feeding her erotic energy with your lust.
If a man holds down your wrists, you can struggle just hard enough to feel his strength without escaping, you can feed on the erotic charge of being powerless and letting that erotic feeling fuel his masculinity and desire.
It is an exchange of energies that spiral upwards in greater and greater erotic turn-on.
Try any of these out and see what happens:
- Whisper: “I’m so turned on right now that you’re scaring me a little”
- Tell your lover to pull your hair
- Plead for what you really want, e.g., “Please, I need you to fuck me now”
- Work on your acting skills: Say “no,” when you really mean YES!
- Work on your telepathy skills: Say, “Please, stop, I can’t take any more,” and psychically beam into your lover’s head, “if you stop now I’ll die”. Or just say both until they get it.
- Struggle just a little bit to get away. If your partner plays along, you can struggle a little bit harder. (Or just tell them what you’re up to and that you want to be held down).
- Advanced with major trust: Let your partner tie you down and do whatever they want to you. (Important: Have a “safe word” that you agree means “seriously stop right now”)
In general men are more comfortable in the sexually dominant role, and generally for heterosexual couples, keeping the man more frequently in the dominant role works well, because being dominant is a masculine characteristic and it reinforces the couple’s natural state of biological attraction.
But just as women can enjoy watching football and men can enjoy smelling a bouquet of flowers, there is nothing wrong with playing in both spaces, and plenty of opportunities for pleasure will be missed if you can’t play both sides.
Plus, if you are currently intimidated or feel weird about playing with dominance or submission, then beginning to play these games will break down fears and ego attachments that will grow you as a person in all aspects of your life.
P.S., PLEASE, PLEASE… Add your own favorite submissive favorites below if you dare. And feel free to comment, question, disagree, and express praise or outrage (yes! punish me!) below…
P.P.S., Update, my friend Dainis wrote an great, seriously researched article on all things dominant/submissive for enhancing sex. Worth a read 🙂