Here’s something for you to try the next time you are going down town for cranking up the heat…
Most of us love both receiving and GIVING oral sex, and it’s FUN to be good at it.
When you’re good at oral sex, when you really understand how to integrate it into your love making in a powerful way, it builds great intimacy, makes you feel empowered, and sets you up for sexual success.
But for a lot of men and women it remains an area of uncertainty and it can erode confidence, and make you feel uncomfortable and powerless in the bedroom when you’re not sure you really know what you’re doing.
Here’s a little technique that works for both men and women, it’s easy, and it taps into some of the most primal wiring of our sexual instincts.
…Plus, when you understand how and why this works, it gives you some important insights into really “getting” what it takes to be great at oral sex.
Here’s how simple it is to do it:
When you’re going down, whatever you are doing with your lips and tongue, take hold of your lover’s hips and guide them in a thrusting or grinding motion against your mouth.
This triggers instant and powerful feelings of animal arousal because the movement of the hips is a natural, wired-in part of reproductive intercourse. Humans are wired to move their hips and thrust towards each other during orgasm.
If you’re going down on a woman…
Take hold of her hips firmly and pull her pussy firmly against your mouth. Use her hips to control the motion up and down instead of moving just your tongue or your head up and down.
She’ll feel your passion, your masculine strength, your masculine leading and direction, and it will drive her wild.
More importantly, for most women it can be psychologically difficult to grind their hips into your face when you are going down on them (even though they may feel a strong urge to do it!)… it feels like it might be too much, like it might be overly aggressive. But because they are used to being able to grind during intercourse or masturbation, this can affect her ability to reach orgasm.
When you pull her in closer, your passion is infectious and it gives her permission to move her hips more freely and reach faster and more powerful orgasms.
If you’re going down on a man…
Men have a deeply wired instinct to thrust, to penetrate…
But we also have all kinds of thoughts in our head about whether or you like going down on us, if it’s okay to thrust (will you feel objectified? used?), and of course, a fear of gagging you (a fear you may share).
When you place your hands on your man’s hips or even grab him by the buns, and you pull him into your mouth, giving him permission to thrust, it frees up his masculine sexual energy and makes him feel super-aroused and powerful.
He’s going to like that feeling, and so are you.
It also psychologically/emotionally tells him that you accept and enjoy his cock, his masculine sexuality, and this does a lot of very good things for his ability to open up his full range of sexual passion for you.
If you are indeed afraid that you might end up gagging from encouraging his thrusting, make a fist around the base of his penis so that your index finger and thumb make a circle at the point you are comfortable taking him into your mouth. You can squeeze firmly to give him a feeling of tightness, and pull the skin back towards the base slightly to make the skin at the tip even more sensitive. Then you can use your fingers as a stop-point for his thrust against your mouth…
And, of course, you can still use your other hand to pull his hips towards you.
If he gets to aggressive, you’re allowed to stop, smile up at him, and say, “easy tiger!”
As with every sexual technique that I teach, remember that first and foremost, all humans are different, and you need to pay attention to your lover more than you pay attention to the technique.
Not everyone likes everything the same way, and paying attention allows you to make the sometimes small adjustments that can mean the difference between ennui and ecstasy.
And, likewise, only use the techniques that you enjoy, that you yourself think are hot. Your own enjoyment, turn-on, and passion are going to do more to give your lover a great experience than anything you read in any blog.
I look forward to any comments, suggestions, or results you get from playing with this little “lips and hips” downtown discernment…
I think it’s a great idea Alex!! Taking charge in the bedroom is part of our masculine wiring. If your lady loves it, then go for it and be adventuresome. Maybe she will get the idea and grab your ass and get it!!
Sounds like it may advanced class material to me, I have heard before that they know how to play with the equipment better than we do. Thanks for the tip!
I love this idea of encouraging your lover to meet you by pulling them toward you. Very hot! Great advice, Alex.
I have used this technique for years guys, it definitely works. As for me, I must admit it was disvovered by accident and pure ignorance. I just noticed that when I used the technique on women with certain body styles they would have explosive orgasms, so I started using it as part of my routine and found that it has an effect on practically every woman.
I tried this on my wife. She went totally ballistic! It was the first time she ever squirted and soaked me, the bed and 1/2 the bedroom. She then wanted me to double up with a dildo & my penis. Things couldn’t have been any more intense and satisfying. Thanks for the little tip that turned into a big one.
You’re welcome! 🙂
Great article Alex! If she is already somewhat comfortable with receiving oral I like to roll her on top and let her ride my face while my tongue does it’s thing. She gets to apply all the pressure she wants. As for her giving oral, she likes to tease and when I’m ready I grab a handful of hair and start to thrust. She likes me taking control. She does do the finger technique so I don’t gag her. Several ways to spice it up so enjoy!!
Give me a break! There is not a woman on the planet who “enjoys” doing oral on a man. Those who say they do are either liars or good actresses.
Oh Roger, this is a very sad (and perplexingly inaccurate) perspective to have on the world.
The vast majority of women not only love giving head, they get excited just fantasizing about it.
Now if that were the truth (and it is factual)… How would your whole world have to shift to accommodate that truth?
Sit with that question and your life will change.
That is an awesome technique! I discovered it one night while being very playful with my guy. I wrap my arms around his legs as I kneel by the bed. He was so turned on, which turned me on even more. He said it was an excellent blow job and was even faced with a difficult decision to release in my mouth or wait and pleasure me more. He chose the latter and it was an amazing evening!
Roger, it is too bad you have experienced sex with less adventurous women. Real women aren’t like that.
Hello Roger, I feel sad that that is the impression you have of women. I know that a lot of my friends are anxious about giving, so was I at first but seeing your parter that aroused is incredibly sexy. Knowing you have the power is a great feeling and after a bit of trial and error I have come to realise that I really do enjoy it, if it is on my terms. Might not want to do it every time but when I want to, it is great and seeing my partner close his eyes and just enjoy it is one of the hottest things i know.
Well most of the comments are from you guys, so thought I would chime in. Oral is just wonderful, am a swallow girl from way back when. Lots of ladies don’t like it, but I’ll take it every time. Can’t really see it all over the place, you think you are in a porn film or what? Of course, to each their own way. And yes, there are some ladies that love getting it. Even the ones that say no, lol. Thanks again Alex. Just get so much interesting info from you and the others. Yes, thanks to all your followers for their comments. Learn something from each of you.
Yes! I learn from every one of them too!
My woman is very cooperative and supportive, while she sucks me but does not allow me to do the same to her as she thinks it is not hygenic. She also does not like me helping her reach orgasm by using my fingers. My problem is the moment I enter her, within less than 10 strokes I am unable to hold anymore and end up releasing my load, feel guilty to see her unsatisfied and me helpless for further action.
This one is bigger than I can easily answer in the space of a blog comment, but most of my programs go deeply into the process of creating sexual trust, and helping her to feel that going down on her is part of your pleasure, something she does for you. You might try doing it in the shower a few times if she’s insecure about it.
Also, grab a copy of Command & Control so that you can fix that premature ejaculation thing. There is no need for hanging on to that problem.
I am new to giving head and found that putting my hand on his shaft for a buffer is good but he doesn’t like it. I do like it when he thrusts. Sometimes it is too much… What then? Is gagging a turn on at times?
There is graceful place between accepting input from your lover and maintaining your boundaries in a way that you get to enjoy every bit of the process too.
There is a way to be new at things and feel overwhelmed and incompetent… but you can also be new at things and feel excitement and adventure.
Make sure you feel the second way and do not let your man make you feel the first way. If you feel like he is using the fact that you are a beginner as a weapon of power to keep you in your place, you need to have a serious non-sexual discussion with him.
He may have more experience in blowjobs, but you may have more experience in emotional maturity and confidence and openness. Teach him by having the emotional courage to have a conversation about gagging.
Yes, it can absolutely be a turn on for some people… both men and women. It’s a transgressional topic to explore, and if you can talk to him about it without accusation or judgement, but rather the open curiosity and excitement of the beginner, you might find all kinds of adventures (other than gagging) on the other side.
Never feel forced to anything you don’t want to… AND you don’t need to judge or “make wrong” the things you don’t want to do. Stay open and curious and excited, and do the things that turn you on when going down on him, and you’ll be the one who drives him wild.
I am confused as to the positions a woman can be in for a man to use this technique while giving her oral.
How can you move her hips if the woman is on her back? You would have to lift her entire weight and have herculean strength. I’ve never given a woman oral with her standing. Is that even possible? How does she spread her legs if she is standing?
Can someone explicitly describe the positions that this will work with?
Herculean strength is the answer!
Seriously, try it out, it does not require that much strength:
With your woman on her back and you between her legs, plant your elbows to side beneath her bent knees, grip her hips firmly in your hands, and then using her sit-bones as a pivot, you can rock her pelvis up and down quite easily…
And I think you’ll find that if you’re in decent shape (no Hercules necessary), and if your wife is proportionally sized with you (and of course every couple is different and not every technique works for every couple, and of course some men have lovers that are much larger than they are), you will likely find that with your elbows planted, your biceps can indeed do the work of lifting her hips completely using her lumbar spine (just above the tail bone) as the pivot point.
You don’t need to swing her about… and inch or two up and back is plenty.
Nice one Alex, I am going to apply this tonight, I know its going to be explosive.
What advice can you give a woman that loves to receive but not give? Would it be wrong to ask my man to wear a condom!
Hey Linda, there are a lot of answers to this question…
I hear from both men and women that don’t like to give oral, and those that don’t like to receive… and I think most people don’t realize that it’s actually more common to not like receiving than giving!
That said, if you don’t like doing it, it can feel like a lot of pressure when you know that your lover wants it.
There’s no such thing as “wrong” here… whether that’s asking him to wear a condom or simply refusing because you don’t enjoy it.
That said, he’s not wrong for wanting it, and for not wanting to use a condom, so there’s going to be an issue, and, worse, because as humans we are wired to want what we are denied EVEN MORE, he will likely begin to put tremendous emotional significance on his desire to be in your mouth. It will likely begin to feel like rejection to him (even if he knows himself that this is not rational).
Negotiating this as lovers will be tricky and will require compassion and patience.
On the other hand, the other path open is to learn to like it… or even learn to love it.
My friend and relationship genius, Annie Lalla, says that we are responsible for our own turn on. That it is up to you to manufacture your turn on, and that in the temple of your mind you can create the conditions under which sucking cock is exciting:
Because it’s transgressive, because you’re being forced to be a sex object (in a good way), because you deeply enjoy giving HIM pleasure, because you like the control, because you like surrendering control, etc.
Now I don’t take this quite as far as Annie, and I believe that your lover can also take responsibility for your turn-on, and there are ways in which a man can DEMONSTRATE his turn on and appreciation of oral sex that will get you turned on:
By being passionate, or dominant, or submissive, etc.
It might be simply that you need a powerful re-frame. For example, you may think of it as “unhygienic” when you could powerfully replace that by confronting the fact that it can be completely clean and in deep service to love and acceptance.
You may not be up for the work, but I deeply believe that if you are willing to DO the work, you can LEARN to enjoy giving oral sex, and even look forward to the opportunity.
You are so wrong Roger, women love to suck your cock!
And you can train them to cum while doing it which makes them love it even more!
Try some dirty talk enforce how she loves it how wet it makes her how much she wants to feel you inside her.
Then begin to strongly say suck my cock and come baby…
On a recent ferry ride to the mainland we stayed below deck and she had 4 or 5 orgasms with this exact method!!
I have used this same method with my wife, with her on her back, and it does work. I started guiding the movement of her hips a while back, and she loved it. I found that she gets into it more as she becomes more excited. However, over time, she began raising her hips even further to guide me to explore her anus to my tongue! This is her way to tell me that she wants to be licked there. She doesnt even have to make an uncomfortable request (for her) and voice this request. (She did voice the request once…and it was the hottest think I think I have ever heard from her). She has come to love that, and occasionally even turns over on all fours to just expose her rosebud to me.
Anyone else experience something like that, where the hip guiding morphed into something more?
Does this method work if you have had prostate cancer and prostate removed?
Well, it’s an oral technique, and it’s entirely based on the psychological power of the mind to enhance turn-on, so I can’t imagine why not! 🙂