Here’s the typical thing I hear every time I talk to a couple (and most of the time when I talk to singles):
Men think that if they have to initiate sex every time it must mean that the woman in their life has less interest in sex, a lower sex drive, and is only having sex as a favor to him.
This makes men feel sexually undesirable, and constantly insecure about their role as a masculine and sexual partner in relationship to women.
Women think that if they initiate sex too often then they are not successful in the game of being attractive and alluring. They feel like if they are asking for sex, they are breaking the societal rule around being “slutty” and that men will respect and value them less.
This makes women feel undesired, confused, and sexually resentful.
How’s that working out for most couples?
Not so well.
If I could solve this, on a deep level, for all the couples in the world, I’d be very happy… even though I would have to go into a new business!
The video won’t load 🙁 ” this video is private”
I love reading your weekly emails! Thank you.
I can’t open this one…. it comes up with the message “this is a private video”. I’m not sure if there is something wrong with my computer or whether it has something to do with the clip.
Sincere thanks for all the great advice. There is a man in my life who is extremely grateful that I take such an active interest in keeping our sex exciting and refreshing.
“This video is private.”
You so get it!
Thankyou so much for educating men, women too but especially ,men.
I get it completely now, but at the same time, there have been situations I have been in, in which she was not interested. And when that happens to a guy, even just once we do become self conscious because we feel that at times, it would be nice for a woman to try to seduce us. Even if not, just being a little more vocal (because we are guys we miss things) would be helpful.
But it’s true us men taking things for granted, but since we are in a relationship, we feel women should be more vocal in their attraction because coy works for a little but, sometimes a woman who juts vocalizes her sexual attraction can be the hottest thing for a guy.
Like I said, there is nothing wrong with a woman getting into her masculine energy, grabbing you by the tie, leading you into the bedroom, and then riding you until your left in a puddle of what-just-happened-to-me! bliss…
AND… she’s much more likely to do that, and much more often, if you teach her how by doing it yourself and giving her permission to feel great about being a sexual creature.
Initiating sex should be sexy, erotic, powerful, overwhelming… and fun.
And, yep, sometimes she’s just feeling like crap and isn’t in the mood. The big boy move here (and it’s easier said than done) is to trust yourself deeply enough to really get that it’s not you she’s rejected, it’s just that she really doesn’t feel well.
It’s not always how he says it. I am afraid that I am one of those men who cannot read women very well, so I don’t see those subtle cues, and the more subtle they are, the less likely I am to see them. And the coy, “hard to get” act turns me OFF. I want a woman who wants me back, and if you play hard to get, that’s dead on rejection. Here I am trying to be sexy and seductive, and if you play hard to get, that just sends the message that my efforts are having no effect, or worse, that they are having the opposite effect than desired.
Alex, hop in any time. How do I learn to see the difference between my woman playing hard to get as an act to entice me and actual disinterest, when most women are a closed book to me?
There’s a lot of possibilities here Steve, including the possibility that you’re “sexy and seductive” routine isn’t coming across so well. Sometimes the polarities get so reversed that men can’t really figure out what sexy should look like, so they act in a way they themselves think would be sexy… even “acting” is going to be a bit off the mark. And, trust me, I have done this myself.
Because our society and our culture basically train you across a lifetime that your sexual desire is bad, wrong, and will give women what comedian Louis CK refers to as “the rapey vibe”, we learn to suppress it. Our sexual desire becomes only appropriate in private, alone, in masturbation.
Allowing your woman to feel your sexual desire, your turn on, and lots of it, will make her feel feminine, girly, and turned on herself.
The coy, “hard to get” probably turns you off for the same reason. It’s confusing, you’re unsure if she’s playing or actually thinks you’re rapey, so you shut down.
I invite the possibility that you can learn to enjoy that coyness, that you can project masculine desire and tickle her, wrestle with her, let her feel your strength, let her feel your desire… and that the resulting, playful, blushing coyness will probably begin to turn you on.
It may be a process of learning to trust yourself through practice and play.
Alex, I just adore your teaching style. Since I have also studied sexuality for decades, the information you share is not new to me. However, hearing it voiced in a conversational manner by a man who is present in his body and not cringing back in shame, is absolutely divine!
I saw you in video years ago and you have continued to become more and more energetically present. It is subtle, yet the effect of the shift is POWERFUL. Our communication has SO much more going on than most of us are aware of. We focus on our words to get our point across, while being unaware of the most powerful communication of all, our ENERGY.
Energy speaks louder than words by a long shot! I hope that hordes of men buy all your products, watch your videos, do your programs, and learn how to experience and share the unfathomable ecstasy that awaits them 😉
Thanks Lynnet! I admire your work as well and I’m honored that you’ve been following me.
Thank for explaining to those men who don’t just naturally realize, that if I am flirting, wearing a top u can see down when i bend down in front of you (all 50 times!) Just to “pick up that piece of lint”, that I mean I am interested in tearing up some sheets. If I have to say, “ya wanna?”, it seems no fun for me. I like to watch ur videos with my guy so we can talk about them. It makes it funto find out something new about him. : )
And yet… we really do think you’re going for the lint. And society, our culture, does a great job of killing of sexual aggressiveness in us men. We lost the possibility that it can be fun, playful, erotic, and that women crave it from us.
BTW, Try playfully pushing him away. It’s a way to be more obvious and still maintain your feeling of being the feminine one.
Video worked well at 9PM PDT 8/1/13. Very informative, some very good ideas to put in my tool box. Recommend for guys who have been married or together sexually for 2-4 years to help with their so called “wife problem,” which is actually the men’s “challenge.”
This is so boring.
Ok…what if you (as woman) try to initiate but get turned down by your hubby. If men think this is bad, women feel undesirable and worthless too!! Its even worse if they say later tonight if there is no time in the morning but then that night passes…and then another. After a while you just give up because the rejection is just too painful. I think some men can use sex as punishment (withholding because they’re angry whether at himself or you). So you feel like you are constantly throwing yourself at them and hoping they’ll take the bait. I used to fantasize about my husband but then that causes problems because how can you imagine he desires you if he doesn’t in real life. I stay in shape, try to eat right, take care to be clean/groomed and try to keep myself aroused in case the off chance it might be a “good night”. He even admits its lacking but nothing changes. No amount of sexy things, exploration, compliments or admiration can turn things around. Every now and then I try to initiate but then the rejection reminds me that its a stupid idea and just causes pain. Men need to realize that women need regular releases too or we just get B$&@?Y!!!
Ouch. Sorry to hear about your situation Deanna… as you probably know… it’s EXTREMELY common. For what it’s worth, it’s no better for men who are rejected. Rejection is rejection and it’s hard not to take it personally.
A couple of quick points for you:
1) You are quite right that both men and women commonly withhold sex to punish their spouse. I’d say it’s much more common for men to withhold sex as punishment in a passive-aggressive, I’m-not-going-to-tell-you-why sort of way. If a woman is withholding sex, she’ll usually say so… “I just can’t enjoy sex when you make me feel unsafe by not agreeing that we need a new couch!” When a man is punishing his woman by rejecting sex he’s usually engaged in a deep psychological torture of making you feel unattractive and unwanted, and telling you the reason would kill his plan.
Generally he’s not aware this is what he’s doing, but since he has instincts around hurting those that hurt him first, and since he’s not allowed to hit you, it’s not inconceivable that he really is trying to hurt you.
2) Men also withhold sex because they frequently have shame around their inability to perform like they used to. They don’t have the libido, the endurance, etc., and sneaking off to jerk off to porn is so much easier.
3) It’s also true that continuing to initiate isn’t going to help. You’ve really got to get into a deeper communication around this and completely change the way you go about initiating, and the way you go about prioritizing your sex life. In other words, you have to agree together that the old way is dead, unfixable, and that something new needs to take its place.
My wife doesn’t like fourplay it seem like making love is just a chore that she has to get done quick and fast So she can do things she wants to do like watch tv and lay in the bed and I love fourplay but I getting tried of her telling me stop no and don’t ( sexually frustrated) and I’m ready to leave our relationship and be single and it’s not to go out to find other women its just I can’t do what I’m doing anymore by the way it’s been going on for 9years
am married but cant have orgasam whenever i have sex with my husband.its a worry to him,i wish i can help.what should i do?
Great article on how to seduce!
From tips from your book and podcasts that I have picked up here and there, have lead me to change my sex life. Pretty amazing stuff.
This video leaves me with some intrigue about these subconscious signals women are giving off when they are initiating sex or just turned on wanting sex.
Could you share some tips and patterns I can look for to pick up on these signals. Also advice how to approach a women giving off these signals, with out landing the “creeper zone”.
Heya! So here’s the thing… I almost always initiate sex, not him. That introductory message for this video is exactly what our situation is- except the male/female parts are switched. Like if you switched “Men” to my name, it’s exactly what’s going on.
I’m not a masculine person (like mentioned in the text), but I definitely end up feeling undesirable. I made the mistake of bringing this up to him, which I realized later was unproductive (too confrontational for that sensitive male ego). Sex is getting more tedious, with only occasional “great sex”. That isn’t to say our connection is any less, but I’d still like more sex than I’m getting. And the sad part is, I’m having to work harder to get less sex.
Not to sound too like a guy, but I’d like more sex and he chooses to cuddle instead. Cuddling’s awesome! When before or after the sex part. Can you help?
Alex, can I get you to physically bump into my hubby and show him the light? It’ll be the only way!