The mating dance of humans is a complex psycho-emotional game that determines who is going to mate with whom… and who isn’t.
Just like “the birds and the bees” (and all of the other sexually reproducing animals), there’s a biological dance that we play out for partner selection, that creates attraction, sexual arousal, mating, and bonding.
Most men don’t understand that there is a dance happening at all. They don’t even hear the music, much less know the steps. They are disconnected from their natural instincts by society, they have been un-trained by porn and a lack of role models to just want what they want, and they leave it to luck (at best) and trickery (at worst) to get what they want.
This cheats them out of a lot of fun, a lot of sex, happy and sexually charged long-term relationships, and self esteem.
The drum beat that carries the rhthym for the mating dance is SEXUAL TENSION.
And just like learning to dance, when you first start out, you step on your partners toes a lot until you learn how to listen for the beat, and eventually keep time to that beat with your body.
The energy of sexual tension is just like that. You have to listen for it, you have to allow yourself to FEEL it, and then you discover that “dancing” to it is not only as easy as moving your feet to the rhythm, but that you don’t have to be great at it to have fun with your partner.
The #1 big killer for men when it comes to learning how to play with sexual tension and getting women attracted and sexually aroused (whether it’s that gorgeous woman that just walked past you in the produce section of Whole Foods or your wife while you’re cleaning the dinner dishes together in the kitchen)… is FEAR.
Most men are quite uncomfortable with sexual tension, they don’t know what to do with it, they don’t know how to handle it, and so they fear it. And then, because they fear it, they find a way to GET RID OF IT.
If the game of sexual tension was actual dancing, then when a beautiful, sexy woman comes dancing over, her hips swaying, her hair swinging, her chest heaving… most men freak out, grab the remote, and turn the music OFF… and then giggle sheepishly, having no idea what to do next.
Men want pick-up lines exactly because they are so nervous when they feel sexual tension in their body. They don’t know how to relax and enjoy that tension. They don’t know how to listen to it. They just want something to cover it up with.
The classic way that men “turn off the music” and dump the sexual tension out of an interaction is when they blurt out their attraction:
“Wow, you are so beautiful! I saw you standing over there and I just had to take a chance and come over and introduce myself!”
It’s a relief to get the sexual tension out of yourself that way and dump it into the space between you, but it’s disappointing for the woman because you just killed the game for her.
Her sexual attractiveness (the way she looks, her body, her makeup, the clothing she is wearing, the way she is standing, her smile and laugh, her too-cool-for-school pout– EVERYTHING she is doing to show herself off) is like her pair of aces (or even the straight flush) that she is holding in her hand…
And when you walk over and simply “call” her hand, and she has to drop the cards on the table, the game is basically over. And if you don’t look like Orlando Bloom, then there’s very little else for her to do but say, “thank you for the compliment,” and go back to the conversation with her friends.
Men also dump the sexual tension by just staring and then quickly looking down when she catches you staring. Ouch. Game over.
Men also dump sexual tension by being loud and obnoxious.
Here’s a big one– men dump sexual tension by making jokes about it. The dirty joke is funny exactly because of our discomfort with sexual energy in front of others.
And men dump sexual tension by simply chickening out and deciding not to go after her at all (disappointing, but also, whew, what a relief to get that uncomfortable sexual tension out of your body).
And listen man, I’ve done EVERY ONE of those things.
By the way, all of these things exist in long term romantic relationships too:
HUSBANDS dump the sexual tension by blurting (hey, are you in the mood to do it tonight?), by being obnoxious (are you going to go OUT looking like that?), by making jokes, by deciding to just NOT go for it because her rejection of his sexual advances hurts his feelings so why hold all of that unpleasant sexual tension?
You surrender all of your power when you dump the sexual tension, AND all of her power too. You steal all of her fun, and play, and desire to bring her best to impress the man that she wants to win.
The master key to learning how to do this dance in a way that amps up sexual attraction and makes her start thinking about you as a possible mate, is to learn how to contain (and enjoy) your own sexual energy in the presence of a woman you are attracted to.
Don’t dump it, don’t run from it, and don’t try to suppress it, but just allow yourself to feel it.
Yes, your heart might be racing, you might feel a little squirt of adrenaline, maybe your palms get a little damp… and these things also happen during fear, so it’s easy to associate it with discomfort… but notice that it’s NOT discomfort necessarily. Use the old yoga trick of breathing slowly and deeply into your belly, and relax, and see if you can enjoy it.
The good news is that if you say, “Hi, my name is Alex” (though I recommend using your own name), and you LET YOURSELF FEEL THE SEXUAL TENSION without freaking out, without dropping eye contact to diffuse it, without nervously grinning and joking… then what happens is, she’ll feel the sexual tension in her body too.
Just relax and feel that interplay and see what she says. Listen and feel, and don’t worry too much about what you say back. Just see if you can enjoy the wave without freaking out.
Practice that and only that (with your romantic partner or with any woman you are interested in), and you will notice a big shift in the way that women treat you.
Once you can feel the sexual tension without dumping it, it’s like being able to hear the beat in the music. Now you can start to dance.
“Dancing,” in this case, is playing with the sexual tension and letting it build and fade, build and fade, and begin mastering that interplay.
To mix in another metaphor, it’s like feeling the tension in a fishing line– too much and the line will break, too little and the hook can come free or the line gets tangled. And just like that fishing line you can become sensitive to the feeling of it.
I recently did a webinar for the men in our Masculine Mastery series on “how women test men,” and this fits right into that part of male/female interaction. Women test men when they feel sexual tension to see if he can really hold the power of the emotion, to see if he is just faking it or if he is actually capable of holding the line with her.
When you can, her attraction for you is immediate and automatic. Even if you’re not her type, even if she has good reason to decide not to act on it, she’s going to feel it (just in the same way that you can’t stop feeling sexual attraction for a woman that you’re attracted to either).
My friend Christian Hudson (the guy who created one of the programs that I most frequently recommend for single men: The Girlfriend Activation System) has a fantastic example for how this might play out on a date:
Imagine you are ending a first date with a woman, and things went quite well. You walk her back to her door– and instead of diving in and trying to make out with her, or trying to get invited inside– you just give her one, gentle kiss and say with a knowing smile, “This was fun, maybe we’ll do it again some time,” and then leave.
The magic of this is that the “maybe” will drive her sexual tension through the roof as she wonders whether or not you really like her as much as she thought you did. She’s going to be very eager to see you for that second date, and she’s going to have a ton of enjoyment, stewing in that sexual tension in between.
Now importantly Christian came up with this little nugget because it’s something he did once spontaneously and it worked like crazy.
But what I want you to get is not just that it worked like crazy, but why it came up spontaneously for him.
And the reason is because he was having so much fun dancing with her sexual tension the whole night that it was the natural thing to do. He might have tried for sex… but in that moment, he was having so much fun with the tease and counter-tease, with the surfing of the sexual tension (he calls it “the romantic obsession plot”), that it was more a more obvious and pleasurable choice in the moment to delay the sex, and keep the sexual tension going.
I know Christian well, and though I never asked him about it, I’m confident that he didn’t do it just to be “manipulative”, or something pre-meditated like that. He was just having fun. And so was she.
Getting back to that “master key” I was talking about: When you are attracted to a woman, and she’s just so beautiful and intimidating that you can’t contain yourself and stay cool, it is a reliable, biological sign to her that you probably aren’t a good mate for her. So she passes you over.
Some guys will try to fake disinterest and remain aloof and unimpressed, and of course that can sometimes work as a “trick,” but it’s neither authentic, nor reliable. In fact, it’s okay to be impressed, to let her really feel your attraction for her, AND still remain able to function and deal with that sexual tension and emotional energy in your body.
A woman doesn’t want a man who is over-awed by her and simply can’t manage to keep his shit together. That’s how she feels when you start puffing up, bragging, complimenting too much, offering too much, trying to impress her, trying to play it too cool, or trying to suck up to win her favor.
Train yourself to enjoy the feeling of attraction, to become comfortable with the feelings of attraction, the butterflies– recognize the aliveness in those feelings, smile, and enjoy her company and the tension that lives and breaths and grows in the space between you.
Don’t cheat her, or yourself, out of one of the great pleasures of being a human.
Cool blog, but this seems to be written to guys who are still in the dating pool. I’ve been married 14yrs and really have a hard time cultivating sexual tension with my wife due to breaking her erotic trust early on in our marriage by being judgmental (indirectly) by not considering her feelings towards intimacy in the beginning and we have come a long way but the sexual tension/erotic trust still isn’t there.
Your thoughts Alex?
BTW I have one of Patty’s courses and I recently purchased your course Revolutionary Sex
Hey LC, first of all, you both have to complete the past break of trust. She doesn’t have to forgive you, you don’t have to forgive yourself, she doesn’t even have to “get over it.” But you MUST have a deep and loving conversation in which you let the past be completed. It is not something that must inform your relationship forever. You regret it, she is angry over it, and it’s done. Allowing it to ruin (or even mildly affect your future in a negative way) is not a possibility that you ought to entertain.
Your past does not equal your future (as Tony Robbins says). Let her know that the man who did/said those things is no longer married to her. That the man she is married to today validates and adores her sexuality. The man she is married to today is not that insecure boy, but a man worthy of her divinely given gift of feminine. If you can’t get her to believe it, then AT LEAST do whatever you need to do to believe it yourself and live with it every day as the Truth of your Being.
See my answer to Steve above. Oops… I answered these in reverse order… answer to Steve is BELOW.
Really well said and great distinction between fear and tension. I have definitely “dumped” the tension when it became uncomfortable without trying to identify what the feeling was. I think I’ve been gradually coming to understand this lately but not as clearly as you just wrote. Maybe other guys can identify with the idea that we are more successful with everything in life when we are collected and one thing that holds us back from what we want most is that what we want most creates a tension; whether excitement, fear, or general discomfort. So my question is HOW do we learn to hold more tension first and foremost and then of course learn to enjoy it? ‘Cause sometimes I feel like a teacup and someone is emptying a pitcher into it. It’s gonna over flow.
Thanks for the post.
Hey K, it’s not that different from asking, “how can I can learn to hold more weight on the squat bar?”
Nobody walks up to the squat rack and thinks, I want to be able carry more weight, so I’ll just rack up 300 lbs and start doing that today. You start light, you work your way up, you occasionally get injured and have to reduce weight again for a while, and you build.
The great news is that you build your capacity to hold and enjoy sexual tension about 100X faster than you can built your quads, gluts, and posterior chain to lift iron plates.
Here’s 2 powerful tips for your training:
1) Breath into your belly in slow, relaxed, and full breaths. This is an ancient yoga practice, but modern science as confirmed it: It does, in fact, sooth the autonomic nervous system.
2) Smile. Force your posture into dominant and relaxed positions. Imagine that you just won a long and exhausting tennis match at the U.S. Open and the crowd is roaring and cheering your name… now stand like that. Easeful, big, relaxed, and satisfied. The bio-feedback is amazing. You will really feel differently.
3) Keep holding the reframe: That feeling is NOT fear. It’s ALIVENESS! It’s delicious! It’s the payment we get in this life in return for all of the toil, that makes the whole damn ride worth it!
Thanks! Appreciate you taking the time to share this.
This is such good advice, Alex. I find that men are missing the magic of that sexual tension. It is so delicious to be led along that path by a man who knows how to keep things taut and exciting in those first couple of encounters! Without it, it is FRIEND ZONE for sure!
I love your column!
Thanks Angel, I love your column on writing erotica for women too! You are a woman who really gets this game better than just about anyone.
Hey Alex & all the other handsome devils here. Great article! Definitely strikes a chord with me- dancing with tension and discomfort, not running away from them, and instead learning to tolerate, end even enjoy, that feeling. I’ve found that those moments are when real magic can happen, but only if I jump into the deep end and put myself out there in a way I’m uncomfortable with. Imagine if they taught that shit in school.
One other point worth some words- I’ve noticed how unconscious a lot of my reactions can be- glancing away when making eye contact, making small talk instead of sexy talk, letting the fear seep into my body language. I wonder if anyone’s got some insight into how to bring all this stuff to the level of the subconscious, and change our reactions form the ground up.
Anywho, thanks once again for the post, I’ll be making tension everywhere I go. Watch out!
Step 1 is the reframe. It’s really knowing first in your logical mind that the making her uncomfortable is GOOD. Eventually you will convince your emotional brain to feel that way, and last of all, your reptilian survival brain will finally come along too (though in a perfect world, you’ll always feel those butterflies, and recognize the aliveness in it).
Step 2 is the real world practice. There is no substitute for the doing. You can play in your imagination, the flight simulator in your mind, forever… but ultimately there is nothing like taking it into the real world and really landing that plane on the real earth to teach your body how to do it.
Just do it and enjoy it and fail at it and sometimes succeed at it and enjoy both the failures and the successes. And know that she is right there with you, that every woman is hoping for you to “that guy” who can make her feel that discomfort but hold her there with your masculine integrity. It’s not like tennis where one of you must lose for the other to win. It’s like climbing a mountain together, where you either you both make it, or you both give up somewhere along the climb.
I’m in a long-term relationship where I tend to want sex, and she doesn’t want it so much. This whole thing resonates as something that can help the situation. I like the Christian’s way of saying goodnight on the first date, letting the tension build. Can you offer a concrete example or two within in a long term relationship?
Hey Steve, absolutely my friend, and thanks for bringing up a question that I think many men were probably thinking.
I often say that it’s easier for men who are on a date to initiate sex than a man who’s been married for ten years. It’s counter-intuitive to that guy on the date, because he thinks that he’s got so much at stake, so much that could go wrong, so many ways of blowing it… lol… he just has no idea.
The simple fact is that sexual tension on a date or a very new relationship is automatically supplied by the novelty and mystery. You have to actually BLOW IT to not have sexual tension.
With your wife, you have to generate the sexual tension with your own attraction, your own sexuality, with flirting, with teasing, and with holding your depth of masculinity in the face of her uncertainties, emotions, and tests.
I think a very important bridge is to have playfulness, tenderness, and loving touch in the relationship so that she is not guarded around touch and sexuality. If she thinks that every time you put your hand on her she’s going to have to put out, it becomes stressful.
If that’s already established, then you can come up behind when she’s folding the laundry, doing the dishes, or whatever, and loop your arms around her waist and then very, very gently almost kiss the back of her neck. Just let your lips brush against the little hairs… let her feel the warmth of your breath… let her pulse quicken and shriek at how much it tickles, and when she can’t take any more, give her a nice bite! Don’t hurt her, obviously. Then you can kiss her and say, “That was fun, maybe I’ll bite you someplace else some time.” or “You’re a sexy creature. I think I’m starting to like you.” And then get back to your business.
If your wife is very pretty, call her “funny face”, or “pumpkin nose” and tickle her. (Do NOT call her pumpkin nose if she has a pumpkin nose. Seriously.) If she gets offended, kiss her and purr that you have the hottest wife in town.
Pick her up (displaying your masculine strength), throw her over your shoulder (if you can do it without hurting her… she’s got to be fairly athletic for that not to hurt), and throw her down on the bed. Hold her wrists down (hard enough so that she can’t move), and kiss her passionately with the depth of your sexual attraction for all of womankind, your lust for all the pussy on Earth, your full male desire for fertile depths of the feminine aspect of God as the Universe), let her feel the soft, soft, softness of your lips and the hotness of your breath. And then say smile at her with all of the love in your heart and say, “Maybe later”. Shake it off, smile, and get about your business.
Date her, court her, treat her like the hot girl that she is if you had just met her for the first time, see the aspect of attractive woman that ever lived that yet lives inside of her. Make it as much fun to be married to you as it once was to be dating you.
Alex I’m sorry BUT YOU ARE JUST GREAT! WHY DIDN’T I FIND YOU AND YOUR BUSINESS SOONER…I LOVE YOUR WRITE UPS AND TALKS IT TRULY VALIDATES AND INSPIRES A WOMANS THOUGHTS! THANK YOU!
Awwwww! Shucks Ma’am, you make a fella blush.
Wow, just wow. I just recently fond your blog, and in so amazed, you really talk A truth, i already realised many things about my self! Im in A happy relationship, with the most lovely Girl, but i would like to do something, something like what you just wrote, to creatures even more passion and make sure our relationship just keeps growing. Would revolutionary sex V 3 be helpfull for this? Or would you recommend some of your other work?
Thanks in advance, and keep making The World a better place with you wisdom!
Thanks Thomas! And very happy to hear that you’re happy– there’s some wisdom to: “if it ain’t broke, don’t try to fix it,” but yes, I highly recommend Revolutionary Sex to anyone. I don’t want to blow my own horn too much, but every testimonial on the sales page is real… and like 5 years old… and get more of them every day.
It is fantastic way to treat female before sex.As females are sensitive phisically and she will give the hot emotion after she is attracted to male.The mate will be enjoyable
Nice one! Much appreciated metaphores which made me get a new twist of understanding for sexual tension.
This is really nice
Thanks for your blogs. They continue to be well written and insightful. I have loved women for more than 60 years and, as a result, have learned through happenstance much of what you teach. You, however, often bring clarity and connectivity to my basic knowledge of the female psyche. While I doubt a single map through the feminine mind exists, it’s good to get the occasional glimpse of sanity. Thanks again for making that happen.
Hi praise indeed, Atlas, thank you.
Awesome insight! This is something that all guys should read and “save for later”.
Hi Alex, I was impressed with how well you articulated this subject. I learned this lesson at 19 when the girl next door told my roommate she wanted to go out with me. She and I had previously become friends but I never even thought about asking her out. I thought she was way out of my league. Long story short, we went out, we had a wonderful evening and she invited me in at the end of the night. We made-out for a while and then I blew it completely. I told her she was the most beautiful girl I’d ever dated and boom, it was over. She said thank you for the evening and we were done. She even stopped being my friend. Lesson learned! Keep your cool man and the girls love it. Great Article. Every guy should read it weekly until it’s part of his soul! LOL Thanks again, Curtis
Thanks Curtis, and it sounds like you certainly understand this, but lest anyone else reading along gets the wrong idea– you CAN absolutely tell a woman she’s the most beautiful girl in the world when you’re making out and leading up towards sex… but you do have to be careful about HOW YOU SAY IT.
Too much desperate excitement means you really can’t handle a woman of that beauty. Honest admiration and a clear sense that you know you’ve earned it and that you’ll give as good as you get, and you’re all good.
Thank you for all your trouble i haven got it yet but when i get this i will tell you all about this when i read this i will leave at this moment, then after i have read it all.
Sir, I’ve followed your work intensely as I’ve rebuilt me and wwe’ve rebuilt our relationship. The sexual tension, after 36 years, seems difficult for me to initiate/start however you’d express it. It MAY be going on and I don’t get it! We aren’t kids, she’s a police dispatcher (but I’m seeing her open up and be feminine for the first time in years!) so she lives 12 hours in masculine frame. Advice on throwing the sexual tension into play? I tell her how hot she is (I believe it) and put a lot of little compliments/touch/appreciation into our time together. Learned to be an active listener, wow, big help. Anything appreciated. Love your programs man. Saving for more!
Thanks David, men like you put the heart and blood into my work.
There can be so much complexity to this kind of thing if you get bogged into details, but the simple and basic truth of it is this:
We all have many sides. Your woman has her dispatcher role, and the woman she is in anger, the woman that gets shit done, and the tender mother, the tired and cranky drone, and the playful and sexy young girl. They are all in her.
If you persistently talk to that part of her that you want to see, that is the part who will most often show up.
The trick (if you can call it that), is that you have to love ALL of her parts. They are all her. But if you keep at finding, seeing, and enjoying the playful girl in her, she’ll enjoy coming out to play more and more.
Of course, also, you must find that part in YOU. The one that teases, the one that gives the playful ear bite or towel flick the ass and then runs away, daring her to catch you. The one that picks her up, throws her on the bed, and kisses her face or belly until she can’t stop giggling. Sometimes you have to ramp up to that gradually (a woman who is in a bad mood and tired after a rough day might actually turn homicidal if your give her that towel flick), but if you stay positive, she’ll soften in the end, and melt right into your arms.
You can’t win this every time, of course. It’s the practice that matters. And over time, it actually becomes who you are as a couple.
That’s an awesome reply
Grwat read as this happened recently, however, you didn’t cover if the man does the chicken ingredients out afterwards and tries to keep it flowing thru text etc but he doesn’t follow up in an acceptable amount of time to see the woman again… This is the man reason women give up on men they have that amazing c on Necton with and the sexual tension you both are there but then he does the fly thing and he can’t come back the FEAR ruins it all and the women’s left just baffled and you this most commonly with men who have waited their whole life practically for that real feeling not young lust but authentic adult sexual tension and desire…men need to be talked to about not running away u s ingredients work as an excuse or any other reason not to feel scary again…this is a huge problem in adult dating…
Thanks Tamara, I hope a lot of men read your comment!
Thank you again Alex sorry I didn’t fix my typos first as more often than not the woman so wants that man..we are just waiting for them to get in the dance and do what they are awesome at!
You can’t create sexual tension with a woman who doesn’t find you attractive, and we don’t get to decide that. Neither does she. Attraction is not a choice. You can’t win or lose a game she won’t let you play.
Hey Hawley, it sounds to me like you’ve got some frustration here, and I think that’s because you’ve got a tiny error in your thinking. You are RIGHT, attraction is not a choice, and we don’t get to decide who we are attracted to, and neither do women…
But you mustn’t confuse that fact with the idea that we can’t INFLUENCE how attractive we are to others. In simplistic terms, I have a friend who LOVES muscle men. She’s a fitness model herself and she takes quite a few anabolic supplements to create keep her body unnaturally lean and taught… and her taste in men runs in the same circles. She has a thing for men who take a lot of steroids. If you don’t, you know, it’s not a choice, you’re just not her thing. But you could certainly influence your attractiveness to her by taking massive amounts of steroids and spending 3 hours/day in the gym.
The good news is that most women don’t go for guys on massive steroids.
The better news is that most women have plenty of attraction triggers that have nothing to do with what you look like at all.
I’m not saying that looking like Hollywood movie star isn’t going to work wonders for your love life! But I am saying that becoming a master of sexual tension is one easy-button for getting a lot of women sexually attracted to you, because most women are very attracted to men who are comfortable with sexual tension.
And it’s not a choice, it’s just what they already prefer.
Hi Alex, I love all your blogs, thank you for your insight and wise words. I always learn something new. Your point of view on things is always so different yet spot on! I have really taken in this blog in particular and the one about being authentic only now I’m in a dilemma… A generally good dilemma but still a dilemma never the less. I have a long time friend who is an occasional couch surfer (actually she stays at my house quite a bit). She is gorgeous lots of fun, kind of a mess sometimes but has a great heart so I keep her around. She is a lesbian, all her social media says so but lately she hasn’t wanted to date. She jokes about being done with women and how cruel they can be. I have always felt a bit of chemistry and some tension but I never really played on it. Honestly I usually would diffuse it myself never taking her seriously, always reminding myself to remind her that she’s not into dudes. Dumb I know. The other day I read your blog and subconsiously decided to let the tension build. She stopped it, long story short, she said dating me would be like dating her sister. I just smirked at most, and kept on as if she didn’t say anything. A few nights ago she was lying on the floor, I sat down next to her I put my phone on her hip. No problem. I started to rub her side. No problem. Moved lower. No problem. Ended up massaging her butt and body for 45 mins. The problem was I didn’t escalate from there! Her being a lesbian and a good friend is messing with me. And so yesterday she had a crick in her neck and I gave her a pretty good rub down but I still can’t get out of my own head. I’ve been with girls who say they’ve been with girls but never with one who claims 100% card carrying L affiliation. Although I have gotten really good at attracting women, I have very little experience with lesbians. Is this common?
Is it common?
Of course making excuses is common! 😉
My advice is to proceed with Integrity as your guide:
1) Don’t lie about your attraction or your desire
2) Don’t “project” your feelings onto her. You’re the one that’s nervous about making a move, not her. I mean, she might have her own nervousness (and probably does), but you’re pretending that your nervousness is about her being lesbian. And I’ll tell you quite plainly, I have many a lesbian friend who said that it was men’s habit for doing that that made them turn to women in the first place!
3) Don’t make her acceptance or rejection of your sexual advances (if you choose to advance) a condition for your happiness, your friendship, or your self-esteem. Trust me, she won’t have problems with those things if YOU don’t. When a woman says, “I don’t want to because I value our friendship,” what she means is, “you’re a man, and everyone knows men can’t handle this sort of thing.” If you show her you’re a man who can (through word, deed, and authentic truth), it won’t come up.
4) Lot’s of fish in the sea. Don’t make this a bigger deal than it has to be. Though… if you harbor 3some fantasies, this friendship could provide a lot of fun and naughty adventure, as going out together as a seduction team is a blast, and there are a very large number of women in any nightlife venue who respond very positively to that naughty adventure.
Hi Alex – what advice do you have for a 38 year old guy who’s never gone on a date (literally not even one – ever) because no woman could ever find me attractive so rejection is always guaranteed. I take good care of myself and am in good physical shape (diet, exercise), dress well and have a well paying job. Sexual tension sounds wonderful and I have felt very sexually attracted to several women over time. But there’s never actually been sexual tension between me and anyone, because it has to be mutual, right? Since no woman could ever feel that with me, am I just doomed to be alone?
Paul, brother, PLEASE do yourself a huge favor and get my program, “The Catch”. Brother, I am not trying to sell you anything here, and if you have a “well paying job” then I can promise, the cost of this thing is chicken scratch, and it has the power to SAVE YOUR LIFE.
Look, I don’t have the time and space to convince you of this here in this little space, but you are wrong, WRONG, W R O N G about women not being able to find you attractive. Not every woman, obviously, but I promise you, there are a gazillion women that would find you attractive if you can just clean up the mental dysfunction that is making you believe otherwise.
You are suffering from something called PROJECTION. In a nutshell, YOU wouldn’t fuck you, so you assume that women wouldn’t either, and then you “project” that feeling onto them so it FEELS like that rejection is coming from them… but actually it’s coming from YOU. Do yourself a favor and look up “projection” in Wikipedia and read up on it.
Then check out my friend Sean Stephenson’s site (seanstephenson.com). His mission in life is to rid the world of insecurities, and he is the KING of that domain. Plus, he’s got a physical condition that could easily have made him believe that women could never find him attractive. But he overcame that, and he’s had a ton of beautiful girlfriends in the time I’ve known him and is now married to the most wonderful and beautiful woman, Mindie.
And look man, if you don’t get my program, then at least get someone else’s! Or better yet, take one of those silly weekend workshops where they take you out and teach you to approach women. I think those guys are mainly douche-bags, but you need to get past this one limiting belief that is eating your life and will destroy you if you don’t destroy it first!
I’m not sure why resent your articles. Maybe because the goal is to get these men laid or close to laid. For me I don’t want sex. I certainly can live without it . I’d rather do it for a purpose like to have a kid but that’s only with someone who loves me. Not this whole sexual thing guys got going on about females. That is literally all you think about. I am not meat . I am human that needs love not sex. No lies no bullshit . The things you’re teaching is just ways to get around that, deception. Your showing these men how to get to point A . When you yourself don’t seem to understand the reason and meaning of point A.
Hi Kelsea, I want to say first of all that I completely understand your anger towards men. Men and women have always struggled to communicate their needs to each other, and we end up hurting each other along the way. I get just as many men with broken hearts commenting on how terribly they have been treated by women, as I do from women about men…
But lately, I confess, men have become increasingly toxic due to PUA culture.
There is a natural developmental phase men go through when they hit puberty where they try to figure out how to “get past the girl to get to the sex.” It’s natural because of the overwhelming biological urge for sex combined with an immature empathy response to other humans that has not developed yet. Teenagers (both male and female) glibly lie and shoplift and tease, and do all sorts of shockingly unkind things without a thought.
But in the past decade, men have been sold a bunch of deceitful ways to “get women” (really to get sex, since the woman is actually left out of the calculus), and that has perpetuated this immature state in many adult men. It’s horrible. And it has reciprocally produced a generation of women that hate men. Now everyone hates everyone. Not good.
That said, for you to comment that I am teaching men that women are meat and to get around things like love is to demonstrate authoritatively that you know nothing of me or my work.
I work with women and couples as well as men, and my track record of helping people find True Love is, as far as I know, unparalleled anywhere. I am enormously proud of my work, and I walk my talk: My wife and I enjoy a completely surrendered, trusting, fully communicated, and passionate love that only grows with time. We are ecstatically happy, and we are passionate about sharing our learnings with others so that they can be happy too.
In any case, all humans, both men and women, need both sex and love. Without them we are unhappy. We need to be seen. We need to feel received and accepted. We have a deep need for physical touch and for the validation that our touch is pleasurably received.
There is nothing wrong with platonic love, but it is not enough. There is nothing wrong with casual sex, but it is not enough. We need something more, and I am fully committed to helping people find their way to that place.
Best article about dating that I can remember. I had a date last week and I was unsure of her feelings although we had a nice time. I had done by accident what your friend Christian suggested. I gave her a light kiss at the door, told her I had a nice time and that I would call her next week. As I started to leave she asked me if I was really going to call her back. I told her I was and then she made me promise. She gave me a 2nd kiss back and one thing led to another…
Sexual Tension…who knew?
Dan, loved this comment!
Thank you good sir. Very enlightening, as always 🙂
And the reply to Steve’s comment. Wow, haha, just WoWoW
This all actually indirectly answers my question that I asked last year during the shooting in Austin. Why it’s a bad idea to simply say “Hey, I like your boobs”. I’m an open book. ALLL about authenticity, but I can see now how I must learn to be authentic without rupturing the tension. Sweet. Selective authenticity.
Hey Justin, don’t think of it as “selective authenticity,” but more like a flirtatious game that you are playing TOGETHER. I think where men go wrong is when they think this about “running a game on her,” and trying win something from her. There’s a feeling of “knowing wink” between you when the sexual tension is working. It’s a game you’re playing WITH each other, not AGAINST each other.
We’re socialized from birth to play games and to understand that this does not constitute a lie. When I swing my daughter around and call her a little monkey that got into the house, she knows that I don’t actually think she’s a monkey. The same is true when my wife and I tease each other romantically. It’s part of the way human’s are biologically wired to enjoy play.
This is fantastic, now it finally makes sense to me how some people “get” how to express their sexuality… And why I never could figure it out.
I am naturally in my head a lot, and have only recently begun to become more embodied, grounded and in tune with my feelings.
But what do I do, when I keep getting overwhelmed by shame, fear and guilt whenever I try to flirt?
It seems like those feelings are stuck, and arise every time I experience sexual tension.
Any words of advice would be much appreciated.
Again, thank you for this article, it made such a difference for my understanding.
Hey Zach! Glad it as helpful. You might want to also look at my youtube video here, also on Building Sexual Tension. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_DjgnLwnrQ&t=7s
The shame and anxiety thing… well that’s very common and it takes WORK to get past it. It never goes away, but you can quite easily turn it’s volume down and just have a laugh when it comes up, and act courageously in spite of those feelings. I’ve actually got 2 more videos on youtube that I think would help you with some real tactics to overcome that stuff…
This one is about “first time sex,” but it definitely has some ideas you will find very useful. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0J-PSHsGDAQ&t=2s
This one is about overcoming self doubt, and is much more targeted to what you are dealing with. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Z__fwCsOaQ&t=4s
I’d watch both.
And you know, obviously I think you should consider getting some of my programs. Particularly The Power Switch, How To Man, and Masculinity Mastery (which is a membership that comes with either of those), and The Catch.
But what do you do if you have passed that stage, you have had a relationship with her and then you have been close friends for nearly two years and she has now started dating someone, but hey you love them. What do you do then? There was lots of sexual tension at the outset and then we became friends, though I think she knows I like her more than that. I am trying to draw away because I am jealous and feel it will be easier for me if I don’t see her, but I will miss her terribly. She still wants to see me, but hey what will the other guy think.