The mating dance of humans is a complex psycho-emotional game that determines who is going to mate with whom… and who isn’t.
Just like “the birds and the bees” (and all of the other sexually reproducing animals), there’s a biological dance that we play out for partner selection, that creates attraction, sexual arousal, mating, and bonding.
Most men don’t understand that there is a dance happening at all. They don’t even hear the music, much less know the steps. They are disconnected from their natural instincts by society, they have been un-trained by porn and a lack of role models to just want what they want, and they leave it to luck (at best) and trickery (at worst) to get what they want.
This cheats them out of a lot of fun, a lot of sex, happy and sexually charged long-term relationships, and self esteem.
The drum beat that carries the rhthym for the mating dance is SEXUAL TENSION.
And just like learning to dance, when you first start out, you step on your partners toes a lot until you learn how to listen for the beat, and eventually keep time to that beat with your body.
The energy of sexual tension is just like that. You have to listen for it, you have to allow yourself to FEEL it, and then you discover that “dancing” to it is not only as easy as moving your feet to the rhythm, but that you don’t have to be great at it to have fun with your partner.
The #1 big killer for men when it comes to learning how to play with sexual tension and getting women attracted and sexually aroused (whether it’s that gorgeous woman that just walked past you in the produce section of Whole Foods or your wife while you’re cleaning the dinner dishes together in the kitchen)… is FEAR.
Most men are quite uncomfortable with sexual tension, they don’t know what to do with it, they don’t know how to handle it, and so they fear it. And then, because they fear it, they find a way to GET RID OF IT.
If the game of sexual tension was actual dancing, then when a beautiful, sexy woman comes dancing over, her hips swaying, her hair swinging, her chest heaving… most men freak out, grab the remote, and turn the music OFF… and then giggle sheepishly, having no idea what to do next.
Men want pick-up lines exactly because they are so nervous when they feel sexual tension in their body. They don’t know how to relax and enjoy that tension. They don’t know how to listen to it. They just want something to cover it up with.
The classic way that men “turn off the music” and dump the sexual tension out of an interaction is when they blurt out their attraction:
“Wow, you are so beautiful! I saw you standing over there and I just had to take a chance and come over and introduce myself!”
It’s a relief to get the sexual tension out of yourself that way and dump it into the space between you, but it’s disappointing for the woman because you just killed the game for her.
Her sexual attractiveness (the way she looks, her body, her makeup, the clothing she is wearing, the way she is standing, her smile and laugh, her too-cool-for-school pout– EVERYTHING she is doing to show herself off) is like her pair of aces (or even the straight flush) that she is holding in her hand…
And when you walk over and simply “call” her hand, and she has to drop the cards on the table, the game is basically over. And if you don’t look like Orlando Bloom, then there’s very little else for her to do but say, “thank you for the compliment,” and go back to the conversation with her friends.
Men also dump the sexual tension by just staring and then quickly looking down when she catches you staring. Ouch. Game over.
Men also dump sexual tension by being loud and obnoxious.
Here’s a big one– men dump sexual tension by making jokes about it. The dirty joke is funny exactly because of our discomfort with sexual energy in front of others.
And men dump sexual tension by simply chickening out and deciding not to go after her at all (disappointing, but also, whew, what a relief to get that uncomfortable sexual tension out of your body).
And listen man, I’ve done EVERY ONE of those things.
By the way, all of these things exist in long term romantic relationships too:
Men dump the sexual tension by blurting (hey, are you in the mood to do it tonight?), by being obnoxious (are you going to go OUT looking like that?), by making jokes, by deciding to just not go for it because her rejection of his sexual advances hurts his feelings, etc.
You surrender all of your power when you dump the sexual tension, AND all of her power too. You steal all of her fun, and play, and desire to bring her best to impress the man that she wants to win.
The master key to learning how to do this dance in a way that amps up sexual attraction and makes her start thinking about you as a possible mate, is to learn how to contain (and enjoy) your own sexual energy in the presence of a woman you are attracted to.
Don’t dump it, don’t run from it, and don’t try to suppress it, but just allow yourself to feel it.
Yes, your heart might be racing, you might feel a little squirt of adrenaline, maybe your palms get a little damp… and these things also happen during fear, so it’s easy to associate it with discomfort… but notice that it’s NOT discomfort necessarily. Use the old yoga trick of breathing slowly and deeply into your belly, and relax, and see if you can enjoy it.
The good news is that if you say, “Hi, my name is Alex” (though I recommend using your own name), and you LET YOURSELF FEEL THE SEXUAL TENSION without freaking out, without dropping eye contact to diffuse it, without nervously grinning and joking… then what happens is, she’ll feel the sexual tension in her body too.
Just relax and feel that interplay and see what she says. Listen and feel, and don’t worry too much about what you say back. Just see if you can enjoy the wave without freaking out.
Practice that and only that (with your romantic partner or with any woman you are interested in), and you will notice a big shift in the way that women treat you.
Once you can feel the sexual tension without dumping it, it’s like being able to hear the beat in the music. Now you can start to dance.
“Dancing,” in this case, is playing with the sexual tension and letting it build and fade, build and fade, and begin mastering that interplay.
To mix in another metaphor, it’s like feeling the tension in a fishing line– too much and the line will break, too little and the hook can come free or the line gets tangled. And just like that fishing line you can become sensitive to the feeling of it.
I just did a webinar for the men in our Masculine Mastery series on “how women test men,” and this fits right into that part of male/female interaction. Women test men when they feel sexual tension to see if he can really hold the power of the emotion, to see if he is just faking it or if he is actually capable of holding the line with her.
When you can, her attraction for you is immediate and automatic. Even if you’re not her type, even if she has good reason to decide not to act on it, she’s going to feel it (just in the same way that you can’t stop feeling sexual attraction for a woman that you’re attracted to either).
My friend Christian Hudson (the guy who created one of the programs that I most frequently recommend for single men: The Girlfriend Activation System) has a fantastic example for how this might play out on a date:
Imagine you are ending a first date with a woman, and things went quite well. You walk her back to her door– and instead of diving in and trying to make out with her, or trying to get invited inside– you just give her one, gentle kiss and say with a knowing smile, “This was fun, maybe we’ll do it again some time,” and then leave.
The magic of this is that the “maybe” will drive her sexual tension through the roof as she wonders whether or not you really like her as much as she thought you did. She’s going to be very eager to see you for that second date, and she’s going to have a ton of enjoyment, stewing in that sexual tension in between.
Now importantly Christian came up with this little nugget because it’s something he did once spontaneously and it worked like crazy.
But what I want you to get is not just that it worked like crazy, but why it came up spontaneously for him.
And the reason is because he was having so much fun dancing with her sexual tension the whole night that it was the natural thing to do. He might have tried for sex… but in that moment, he was having so much fun with the tease and counter-tease, with the surfing of the sexual tension (he calls it “the romantic obsession plot”), that it was more a more obvious and pleasurable choice in the moment to delay the sex, and keep the sexual tension going.
I know Christian well, and though I never asked him about it, I’m confident that he didn’t do it just to be “manipulative”, or something pre-meditated like that. He was just having fun. And so was she.
Getting back to that “master key” I was talking about: When you are attracted to a woman, and she’s just so beautiful and intimidating that you can’t contain yourself and stay cool, it is a reliable, biological sign to her that you probably aren’t a good mate for her. So she passes you over.
Some guys will try to fake disinterest and remain aloof and unimpressed, and of course that can sometimes work as a “trick,” but it’s neither authentic, nor reliable. In fact, it’s okay to be impressed, to let her really feel your attraction for her, AND still remain able to function and deal with that sexual tension and emotional energy in your body.
A woman doesn’t want a man who is over-awed by her and simply can’t manage to keep his shit together. That’s how she feels when you start puffing up, bragging, complimenting too much, offering too much, trying to impress her, trying to play it too cool, or trying to suck up to win her favor.
Train yourself to enjoy the feeling of attraction, to become comfortable with the feelings of attraction, the butterflies– recognize the aliveness in those feelings, smile, and enjoy her company and the tension that lives and breaths and grows in the space between you.
Don’t cheat her, or yourself, out of one of the great pleasures of being a human.