What is Sexual Power?
Last month while I was at Burning Man, I hosted a panel discussion with some of the most brilliant minds in the area of advanced sexuality and intimacy… teachers that I admire both for the depth of their knowledge and for the quality of their relationships.
The title of the discussion was: “Harnessing Your Sexual Power: How To Be Sexually Powerful In Committed Relationships”
I began the discussion with these definitions…
1) Sexual Power is your ability to have exactly the erotic experience you want to, for your partner… and for your self.
2) A Committed Relationship is a relationship that you’re emotionally committed to. It’s a priority that matters to you and that you’ll honor, with commitment, regardless of whether you are monogamous or polyamorous.
3) I take it to be self-evident that it’s HARDER to be sexually powerful in committed relationships. Novelty is not on your side, your partner already knows all of your tricks, and there is much more at stake emotionally if you fail.
With that as the ground work, I posed this question for the panel:
“How do you create and maintain Sexual Power in your Committed Relationship?”
What happened after that was pure magic. I had people coming up to me all week telling me it was one of the most powerful and informative talks they had ever attended on any subject.
Over the next several weeks I’ll be doing videos on the exact techniques that we revealed. They are all, in their own way, profound. And any one of them has the power to re-write the course of your relationships into something much more satisfying, exciting, lasting, and… powerful!
Here is the first video: The Radar Dish Technique, Video #1 From “The Burning Man Panel”
I love this also as a way to treat that “creeper” feeling. I sometimes see a beautiful woman in public… and I want to look, but I don’t want to be one of those guys who is constantly whipping his head around to check out a chick’s ass as she goes by. I like to think I’ve got more respect and dignity than that.
It feels a lot better to have a way to let a woman’s beauty impact me without being a creeper and without feeling like I’m disrespecting my girlfriend either.
Yep. We’ve all felt like a creeper now and again. This is much better.
Thanks for giving me a way to take the wolf whistles and “yo mommies” and put them in a place that empowers me instead of making me feel dis-empowered. I totally dig the idea of taking it in and sending all that sexual energy back to my man instead of being annoyed at the creeper.
Or just taking it in for myself and feeling more sexually charged and juiced up and not letting it get into my head in a negative way! From now on bring on the “yo mommy” and the whistles, I’m going to soak it all in with a smile 😀
yo mommy, thanks for the comment! Glad you like it, and I think you’ll be surprised by just how much it changes things when you start applying it to your everyday life.
*Whistles @ Lisa to empower her* lol
Awesome tip Alex. Can’t wait for up and coming ones. 😀
As long as the man’s actions are reasonably decent (not threatening or crass, but simply showing interest, appreciating, observing, verbally complimentary or at least sensibly decent, etc) then I think the majority of what actually makes the interaction feel “creepy” or not is the WOMAN’s reaction anyway. SHE sets the tone for how it all feels, based on her beliefs and reaction to his initial action, and how it all ends up (basic Albert Ellis “Rational Emotive Therapy”). The same guy could display the EXACT SAME ACTIONS to two different women, and one would turn it up and love it, and the other would feel creeped out, react poorly, and then reinforce him feeling creepy about himself too when he did nothing wrong to begin with. Many women just wreck ANY attempt at an interaction all too often, and then COMPLAIN about men in all regards thereafter. As a man, it’s MUCH easier to not even bother dealing with it most of the time and just talk to our guy friends at the bar instead. You women think we’re cowards, which some of us are. Then there are many of us sitting there talking about you ladies and how it’s actually better to just be prudent and conserve our resources after a hard week already. Strategic DECISION not to talk to women sometimes. Did you know that?
Women need to act like confident, sexual, compassionate, energetic, wonderful, self-loving WOMEN…not booby-traps (no pun intended), not minefields, not Restraining-Order dispensers, not bitches, not “creep alarms”, etc. Sometimes yes, But not to EVERYTHING. Whether the women realize it or not, women help men actually be Men, probably more than the men themselves. Seems to me anyway.
(Of course the real men know that it’s THEIR REACTION (3rd) -to-….the woman’s reaction (2nd) -to-……their initial approach/action (1st) that REALLY sets the tone and can make/break or recover/blow the entire interaction ends up, but that’s Jedi stuff…)
Hey Perry, I appreciate you putting yourself out there my friend, and speaking up with your frustrations.
Unfortunately an awful a lot of men feel the same way, getting frustrated time and again by their interactions with women, until they start talking about how women “wreck,” “complain,” “booby-trap,” minefield,” “restraining-order dispenser,” “bitch,” and “creep-alarm” all over their lives.
I’m concerned about coming across as judging you here or making you feel badly… not my intention. It is extremely common for men to feel this way.
My goal is to have you notice, for yourself, the amount of negative energy you have towards women… that maybe you don’t even realize you’ve got. In the portion of your comment where you talk about the good qualities that women could have, you preface it with: “Women need to…”
The overall effect is that there is something badly wrong with women, and they “need to __________” in order to be acceptable to you.
My challenge to you, and it’s a GOOD one, is to work on approaching women as not needing to be anything other than what they are.
Women are PERFECT. And, yes, I mean perfectly flawed, perfectly human, perfectly insecure, perfectly trying-to-figure-this-shit-out-amid-the-frustrations-just-like-men-are, and perfectly wonderful in their imperfections.
When you get that, your interactions with women will be very, very different.
This is not a theory, or a dream, or a pep-talk. This is a promise. Your whole world will shift on a dime.
Will you still get hurt sometimes? Will some woman break your heart or tell you a lie? OF COURSE! It’s part of the human experience, my friend. And you will do some shit to women that in retrospect wasn’t so perfect either!
The Truth here is that men and women are equally responsible for the state of affairs between men and women. Do you sometimes have good intentions and get a withering response from a woman? Sure. The previous douche-bag that harassed her might have something to do with that. And the previous woman that broke his heart probably caused him to be such a douche. And so on.
You don’t need to play that game. You can be more loving, more compassionate, more firm in your masculine confidence, more open, more willing to be hurt, more understanding, and more of a man.
THAT is the Jedi stuff my friend.
I don’t really care who “judges” me and nobody “makes” me feel badly or anything. So, no worries, man. Good comments you had there and very perceptive. And generally speaking, I agree. Accepting people ‘as-is’ is the way to go ideally, since it’s a subset of accepting Reality ‘as-is’ and thus having less internal frustration overall.
Unfortunately, I have found that my KNOWing that, plus my subsequent attempts to DO it (trying to find out more about them so I can accept them ‘as-is’) pretty much always results in my own boredom and lack of fulfillment. This is because I’m the type of person that looks for constant change and improvement in EVERYTHING: objects, systems, others, myself, whatever. That’s WHO I AM, and why I even exist to begin with. Just is. Thus, accepting anything in my world is really just a temporary status snapshot before the opportunities for improvement become obvious and driving. Shelve those opportunties and drives? Um, nope. That’s like having cake and not eating it. What’s the point? And thus, since most objects, systems, and people do NOT want to really change, then it all stagnates, and leaves me unfulfilled. Moreover, I find so little inspiration, passion, intelligence, compassion, insight, etc that I simply don’t get my needs met from other people. It’s not that I self-proclaim to have all these things myself (although I frequently do), it’s more that I just need them in my life because so much of it is so damn hard otherwise. I need SOMEONE to recharge me. However, the VAST majority of people just drain me. And thus, since I can otherwise find these great energy boosts in art, literature, music, science, engineering, construction, nature, exercise, business, finance, the internet, etc…then I’d rather just go do my own thing and my own hobbies instead, and not bother with people anymore. I’ve known, listened to with incredible patience, helped change the lives of, and even sometimes ACCEPTED many, many, many people. I’m a better therapist, strategist, problem-solver, etc than 99 out of 100. Great for others, but reciprocity is rare, and it just all gets tedious for me. People do love me, and do try to display love actions to me, but it’s just not in ways that are fulfilling or even helpful to me. It’s what they want, not what I want. Moreover, it’s not about actions, but who they are. I accept who they are. And I accept that who they are simply doesn’t fulfill me in my most basic of needs.
So, sorry if I took this thread a bit farther on your tangent than i should, but to bring it back to the point: I still stand behind my statement of, “Women need to act like confident, sexual, compassionate, energetic, wonderful, self-loving…” because:
1) Individually and egocentrically, that’s what I need and like,
2) and universally, I still believe that IF women want better interactions with men (stares, whistling, cat-calls, etc optional) then yes, I believe they do NEED to act those positive ways, as opposed to acting like the list of more negative ones (“booby-traps”, “minefields”, etc). If they don’t, then they shouldn’t complain about the guys being douches. “Garbage in, garbage out.” OR how about: “Garbage out, garbage in.”
Long-story-long: Accepting Reality/people/whatever as-is isn’t the end-all be-all because quite simply: it doesn’t automatically mean it will be enjoyable too. A guy accepting he’s in an African labor-camp doesn’t mean he likes it, and a lady accepting that she’s in an iron lung doesn’t mean she likes it. I think often people do NEED to do/be/think more to get the results they really want, and is the reason they currently don’t get what they want. And this I believe is in alignment to your original post where you are actually requesting people DO more as well.
BTW – I can probably fix any audio problems you want corrected.
BTW – As I’m sure you know Alex, this is also within David Deida’s “The Way of the Superior Man.” All the Level 3 stuff for Masculinity and Femininity. Always good reminders to reach for those.
Was hoping you’d share details of your seminar at Burning Man. This sounds really good – unfortunately the audio track is flawed. A bit more than half way through the sound level drops so low that it is inaudible.
Sorry. I tried some new tech to improve the sound and it made it worse.
As a woman, I appreciate a simple nod, smile and look away, from a stranger. That’s not creepy. Please, please, no wolf whistles and no staredowns. LOL. That’s so over-done and under-cool. That makes me feel like a low class slut. But a simple nod, smile and look away gives me recognition and boosts my ego. It’s appropriate and classy. It makes me smile inside. Alex, what a great idea – I will channel the excitement and thrill of a classy recognition to my man. Thanks for sharing. Already looking forward to learning more. Congrats on your wedding.
Hey Kimberly, the challenge I have for you is to start really appreciating the wolf-whistles and staredowns!
No man can “make you” feel like a “low class slut.” Only YOU can make yourself feel like that. Your reactions and your emotions are your own.
As I said to Perry above, you can be more loving, more compassionate, more confident in who you are as a woman, and more open… so that every man’s sexual attention or desire that is directed at you can be used to juice your feminine batteries.
You don’t need to smile at or encourage the creep!
But you can feel a measure of compassion for how wrong he’s getting it, for how much pain he must have around women to be so crass. You can smile inwardly at your power in making him feel sexually alive… even if his way of showing it is inappropriate.
This is a great tip and empowering esp. for women. It expands on my idea that you should not let other people influence you out of proportion to the event and leave you with negative baggage. That gives anonymous people power over you. This idea gives perspective and returns control to you.
Rock on, Bob.
ive always taken the woof whistles on and then used it as feeling like a sex goddess as a power and given into that feeling and tackled my guy with that feeling ect..i thought every chick used the sex passes ect ect and stored them and used those thoughts ect…wow……thought it was common …..and pretty well used by us all…..
Yep, it works. And hopefully more women will be using it now. And men too!
It turns out all you have to do is give yourself permission to feel good about it. For some reason that’s hard for a lot of folks.
Love the Splash Photo of Burning Man.
I trust the audio will be fixed for your next video.
Thanks a lot for leading the perspective in this direction. You can relate all these aspects in a very appealing and pleasant way.
I enjoy male attention out there…especially of the classier variety…a smile and hello feels great and I notice it often comes from younger men…well, younger than I am (I’m in my sixties and youthful looking)…and it has nothing to do with people’s perception of enjoying younger men (perhaps another topic)…I feel like a radiant goddess (not the ‘c…..’ term people use). I appreciate spontaneous interaction from men of all ages…keeps me in touch with my femininity and brings a smile to my heart. Thanks Alex and I will be sure to channel it to the great man I am magnetizing!
I found that vid really helpful. It could also be used to deal with jealousy issues…
Thank you Alex for this video. I think this is one topic that really needed some air time. I’ve learned to take all the “wolf whistles”, “aye mami comments”, and stare downs as compliments and I let it brighten my day. I guess it’s all a matter of perspective. You can either let it bother you or turn it around and make it into a positive.
I agree with your comment to Kimberly wholeheartedly Alex! It’s true what you said, nobody can make me feel good or bad. Only I can make myself feel that way. I’m in charge of my own happiness and there is no way I’m giving that kind of power over me to anyone else.
Keep the videos coming! Definitely missed you and your videos!
Oh, and congrats on the wedding!!
There are guys that really handle the creeper gracefully and those who do not. I personally love it when a guy walks by and I get the hairy eyeball from him and then he says something like, “Lookin’ good” or “You made my day” or even just “Niiicccceee.”. These guys aren’t being weird and I find it cute, respectful and it gives me a boost too! I find wolf whistles and calls to be slightly annoying because it’s not a flirt shout out, just an objectification but see it for what it is-a compliment. The only time I find it really weird and even a little threatening is when guys hiss at you. They actually hiss like a snake when you go by. “Hey Mommie, Hiiiisssssssssss” This started maybe 8 years ago and I have no idea where it came from or why they think that a woman would respond to it. It always makes me uncomfortable and not safe. I don’t want guys to hiss at me. It’s crude and a little sinister.
I Totally Agree. All my life I’ve always been chubby and never felt attractive. I began successfully getting into shape about a year ago, and finally getting a feminine figure. I got my first “Wolf Whistle” about 4 months ago, and it was the biggest boost to my self-esteem that I could have gotten. For the first time I felt like “I’m winning”. I felt Sexy and not just a Tom-Boy. I agree it could get creepy if overdone, but as Mae West used to say “It’s Better to be Looked Over than Overlooked.”