I’m going to tell you exactly how to make love “work” without work. I’m going to tell you how to have the blissed-out, star-spangled, sex-drenched, breathlessly beautiful love affair that most adults get cynical about by the time they get to their late 20s.
I have an amazing group of colleagues, and I know many of the most brilliant sex, relationship, and dating experts/coaches/authors in the world, but I don’t know anyone who has the kind of effortless, blissful, and just-plain-ol-fun marriage that I have.
But it didn’t happen over night and didn’t happen without plenty of misfires, mistakes, and heart-breaks along the way.
Frankly I owe a lot of it to YOU, because I don’t believe I would have had the deep attention to the mistakes and lessons along the way if I hadn’t been a sex/relationship writer over the past 10 years of my life. I was forced to constantly be learning, reading, observing– always looking to capture the golden nuggets that are worth teaching.
And I continue to teach SEX because I truly believe it’s the highest leverage point in any relationship that hopes for more than just deep friendship and a trusting partnership (and, by the way, even that would be a pretty high aspiration for most marriages).
Here’s the big secret: It’s all about Power.
More precisely, it’s all about giving up power.
I have a lot of colleagues who are experts in the dating world, and they’ll tell you that being good at the attraction/dating game gives you “options,” which gives you the non-needy POWER you need to stay attractive in your relationship.
But it’s no surprise to me that ALL of them have come to me for relationship advice over the years when they just couldn’t make it work the way they imagined.
If you happen to be good at the attraction/dating game, it’s easy to chalk it up to, “she/he’s just not as great as I thought,” and then, painfully, move on to the next. And the next. This prevents you from achieving the maturity that comes only from figuring out why things didn’t work and sticking with it.
Of course, in fairness, most folks who try to figure it out and stick with it end up unhappy in the end anyway. They keep sticking it out through stubbornness, fear of being alone, inability to admit failing, not wanting to break up the family, fear of looking like a failure, or any number of other reasons.
The Truth about how to have a great relationship over the years is idealistically simple, and yet it’s the hardest thing a human can do in this lifetime…
What I call “Easy Love” happens when you finally give up on power and put love first– When you play “all in.”
Of course, it’s the scariest thing on Earth, because if they don’t play at your level they’ll use the power to walk all over you. Or they’ll break your heart in ways too horrible to imagine.
When we’re really crazy about someone, we play “almost all in.” We skirt the edge. We put all the emotional “money in the bank” on the table… BUT we keep a few bucks in our pocket in case we need a cab home in case the worst happens and it doesn’t work out.
This is the most painful way to play, because there’s a lot at stake, but the few bucks of emergency money left in our pocket sabotage you at every turn. Your partner senses the withhold and plays the same game right back at you.
Mistrust, arguments, and emotional roller-coasters ensue.
Surrendering all of it is the only thing that truly works.
Here’s a few things to know about playing “all in.”:
1) Most people who say, “but I feel like I already AM all in!” are full of shit. They lie to themselves, they lie to their partner, and they lie to me. I poke holes in their belief like it was wet tissue paper.
2) Most people believe that if they play all in, breakups will hurt more, or that they will be used or made the fool. The opposite is true.
When you play the power game and then you get dumped, it leaves you broken and disillusioned because “you did everything right!” You played like a master, and you STILL didn’t measure up! You still weren’t good enough! It’s enough to make you so cynical that you turn your back on the possibility of love forever.
But when you give it all up and drop your identity completely in service to love, breakups are sweet, gentle completions. They are recognitions that you serve each other better apart. They are contemplative (and, yes, achingly sad at times) periods to gather what you have learned and bring a better version of yourself to your next relationship.
3) 90% of the couples that I have given this advice to simply don’t have the balls to do it. They make some weak efforts, they get close to the edge, they chicken out. They tell me that in their situation it’s just more complicated.
The 10% that DO manage to take that eyes-closed, terrifying leap into the abyss enjoy the most powerful, transformative, and epic love affairs imaginable. Every. Single. Time.
As for YOU…
You probably won’t have the courage to do this… but I double doggie dare you!
I wouldn’t be able to sleep well at night if I didn’t at least make the effort to tell you about it.
P.S., The other important secret here is that you don’t have to do it all at once. I mean, eventually you’ll have to make the terrifying leap. But you can build your nerve, your courage, your resolve, and your capacity for powerful emotion.
The best way to do this is through committing to better and better sex. Sex is the great training ground for intimacy… whether with new partners or long-time spouses, because it is the place of our deepest shames, our secret inadequacies, our unfulfilled fantasies and most powerful secret longings… so many secrets that we won’t give up. Often we even kid ourselves.
That’s why I teach sex the way I do. It’s your gymnasium for increasing your capacity for love, intimacy, and Truth. Get any one of my programs and actually apply yourself to any part of it for one week and you’ll see the change not just in your sex, not just in your relationship, but in your self.