Yes, it’s true, a HUGE number of men believe this (and frankly, so do a huge number of women). If a woman is beautiful, chances are, she’s not too bright.
Sure, sure, there are exceptions, but most very beautiful women MUST be stupid… or at the very least, they are probably bitchy.
Well, maybe it has something to do with cosmic scales of fairness. Surely it would be unfair for a woman to be born both beautiful… and smart… and NICE…?
No! That would be far too much for one person.
Plus… there’s “science”…Yep, one of the big myths that run around amongst men (and particularly around the circles of “pick up artists”) is that there is a good psychological reason for attractive women to be kind of dumb and bitchy…
You see, it’s quite simple: Since they always got attention for their physical appearance, they “never had to develop a personality” in order to get people to like them.
By this theory, unattractive women are “nicer” because otherwise, who would pay attention to them? This explains what “pick up artists” mean when they say, “She has an ugly girl personality” (in case the meaning isn’t clear, this is supposed to be a GOOD thing).
There’s only one problem with all of this:
IT’S 100% BULLSHIT.
In fact, unfair as it may be, all of the science points in the opposite direction.
There is now substantial agreement in the scientific community that “favorable genetic traits” tend to travel together.
What this means is that the universe is actually cosmically UNFAIR. If someone is good-looking, they are MORE LIKELY to be smarter, more athletic, and more creative.
Of course there is a huge amount of variation, and there is no way to predict a woman’s (or a man’s) intelligence based on their physical appearance, but there is some minor correlation: The more beautiful a woman is, the more likely she is to be smarter, more creative, etc.
Furthermore, that attention that pretty girls get from a young age doesn’t “prevent them from having a personality,” but rather has quite the opposite effect of giving them an easy route to high self-esteem, which encourages personal growth, emotional maturity, and more confidence in taking risks in discovering who they are with greater freedom of self-expression.
(As a side note, it’s been my observation that when any woman allows herself to be open to the inner beauty of her feminine side, she experiences a flood of self-esteem that leads to a cascade of attractive behaviors that make men take immediate notice, and make life a happier place).
And yet, most men continue to have the experience (or at least the opinion) that beautiful women tend to be less intelligent and less personable.
So you might be wondering, what the heck is going on here?
I’m so glad you asked…
Here is the truth about why men believe attractive women have bad personalities:
1) Straight up insecurity and low self-esteem
Yep, it’s true… when someone has higher self esteem than you do, it can feel threatening. And when humans feel threatened they find it unpleasant, and it makes them feel even worse, and they lash out.
Who is she to have so much easy confidence when I secretly don’t like being stuck having to be me? Her confidence makes my lack of confidence even more obvious and unpleasant to me… and that makes her unpleasant to be around. I mean, who the hell does she think is to be so self-satisfied!
In other words, beautiful women are bitches for the same reason that rich guys are usually assholes.
He’s got millions and I don’t, so he must have done something shady to get all that money. Or he must be greedy, or he must not play fair, or he was just lucky and now acts like a big shot.
In the same way, that beautiful woman has something men want, and they generally aren’t getting it. There just aren’t enough Victoria’s Secret models to go around for every man to have one.
This is, of course, why many women think beautiful women are dumb too. (And if you are a woman reading this and thinking about your beautiful neighbor that, seriously, really IS stupid… I gently invite you to re-examine that assumption, and to question if she might act very differently around folks that aren’t disliking her for her beauty).
3) Coveting what you haven’t earned
Going back to our rich guy who is an asshole… he’s also an asshole because he won’t give ME any of his millions. What would it cost Michael Bloomberg to give me one lousy million when he’s got billions? What a jerk.
And that beautiful woman who won’t give you even a CHANCE to take her out on a date…? she won’t even give you a shot at finding out if she might grow to become attracted to you…?
What a bitch!
This is a big one that I talked about in my blog post here… virtually every man has experienced rejection at the hands of a beautiful woman.
There may have been the major rejection and heartbreak from a teenage crush that you pursued (stalked?) over months or even years…
But there is also the frequent and daily rejection in tiny moments of eye-contact and the dance of body language, in which we notice a beautiful woman, she notices us noticing, and she turns away defensively.
For women (virtually all women), this is an automated rejection behavior learned over a lifetime of having men trying to hit on them. For particularly attractive women, the onslaught of sexual attention is present ALL THE TIME, and it begins at an age when it is particularly unwanted and yucky.
She’s had men hit on her her whole life, every singe day, and the legions of “PUAs” out there who are trained to approach and approach, and to keep “plowing” and not take no for an answer, have considerably exacerbated the situation.
Simply put, no woman has the TIME to sit and patiently explain that no, it’s not you in particular, that it’s nothing personal, that she’s actually in the middle of something, that you’re not really her type but that it says nothing about you as a human, and that she can see (and truly respect) the courage it took for you to approach her when so many other creeps just stare, and that truly she has empathy for what it is like to be interested in someone and not have that feeling reciprocated, but, with deep regret and apology, no I will not be fucking you tonight.
So instead, she has simply developed habitual behavior patterns that work to shut men down quickly.
The “pick up artists” refer to this as a “bitch shield”, but in fact, it is an unpleasant corner that men have pushed her into… much more of a douche-bag shield than a bitch shield.
In fact, this “shield” is a learned behavior that is triggered as a DIRECT RESPONSE TO WHAT YOU ARE DOING.
If you are not predatory, overly ingratiating, needy for her attention, or making her uncomfortable with emotionally immature behaviors, you will find that beautiful women are quite as nice as every other type of human out there.
HERE’S WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW IF YOU WANT TO STOP GETTING REJECTED BY BEAUTIFUL WOMEN…
In fact, if you get these lessons, you’ll discover this nearly magical transformation occurs– beautiful women all around the world will suddenly become smarter and nicer!
(Importantly: “beautiful” in this context = the type of woman that YOU personally are really, really attracted to… you have probably noticed already that the type of women that your weird buddy – who likes a very different type of woman than you do – are already much nicer than the ones that YOU are attracted to).
Perhaps you have already had this experience for yourself. You may know one or more exceptionally beautiful women that are just wonderful, fantastic, fun, brilliant, and super-nice… maybe she is one of the most authentically nice people you have ever met.
Maybe she is a cousin or an old friend from childhood, or your sister’s best friend, or someone for whom sexual possibility has always been off the table.
I have over a dozen female friends I’d put in this category: Women beautiful enough to cause a car accident if they are dressed sexy and standing on the sidewalk… who are also absolutely wonderful friends. Women who have a great sense of humor, who are smart as hell, and doing important things with their lives to make the world a better place. Women who care about humanity and who are just decent and wonderful humans themselves.
Now, here’s the experience I’m talking about…
You’re out at a bar or some public place with your beautiful female friend and some guy (or group of guys) descends on her and starts “gaming” her.
Two things probably occur– the first is that you feel defensive of her. Let’s leave that one aside for now– The second one is that you see her face turn icy cold, her lips purse into a harsh line, and her shoulders stiffen, she rolls her eyes and turns away…
Suddenly the warm, playful, super-fun, and super-nice friend of yours turns… bitchy?
Maybe she pretends not to understand what they are talking about to avoid embarrassing them or putting herself into an awkward situation… has she turned… stupid?
I gotta tell you that I see this ALL THE TIME with my beautiful friends, and first of all, I find it AMAZING that they can make such an instantaneous and radical personality shift.
Also, I find it absolutely hilarious and amusing. For some reason (maybe my own inner, hurt little boy that remembers those kinds of rejections myself), I find it absolutely ENCHANTING.
I was asked to speak about authentic attraction at a friends “dating seminar”. Actually the seminar was about “day game” which is PUA-speak for “picking up chicks during the day in public places like bookstores, coffee shops, or just out the sidewalk”…
During Q&A afterwards, one of the guys asked me something about why nightclubs attract all the meanest, dumbest, and bitchiest “party girls” and “hoes”…
I replied, “Because YOU’re there.”
The other guys in the seminar room laughed, but I wasn’t joking.
I continued by explaining to him that, first of all, girls in nightclubs are ALL girls. Every woman goes out to a club once in a while… Every girl you meet out in a club is also a girl who goes to bookstores and coffee shops. She’s got a job. She’s a family. She’s got friends who adore her and laugh with her… She’s that gorgeous (but ODDLY NICE) friend of yours.
Then I explained that psychologists and neuroscientists have understood for a long time now that PERSONALITY IS NOT STATIC. Nobody has one personality that stays the same all of the time. There is no part of the way you behave that is the REAL YOU.
In fact, we have infinite personalities inside of our brains. Personality, it turns out, is something that happens when some combination of our behaviors INTERACTS with the environment and people around us.
Your personality is different on vacation than at work, different with a waitress than a cop, different with your mom than your boss, different with your best friend than a gorgeous woman who just asked you what time it is at the bookstore…
In other words, personality is something that happens in the interaction BETWEEN people, not INSIDE either one of those people.
If you think women in a nightclub are bitchy it’s because THAT’S WHAT YOU ARE BRINGING OUT OF THEM.
This isn’t some theory or wild idea. This is the way it actually IS.
When a woman you are attracted to is bitchy, unpleasant, or just kinda dumb… that’s because THAT’S WHO SHE IS AROUND YOU.
And guess what? Nobody wants to date or have sex with someone who brings out that side of themselves.
What if, instead, something about you brought out the best in her?
What if, whenever you were around, her personality was more fun? She felt free to express the parts of herself she liked the best? What if she felt SEXY and FEMININE whenever you were around?
What would your life be like if you could learn THAT trick?
…Now, as you know, I don’t usually teach “dating advice” or how to meet and attract a woman, but I have come to realize that it’s actually quite important that SOMEBODY teach this… and nobody else is. [Edit: I am currently recording a program to fill this gap, which will be available soon]
Please leave your comments, questions, and personal observations below. This is an important conversation and I want your input.