Here is the #1 issue that most men and women struggle with that prevents them from ever being a GREAT lover…
PLUS… you’ll also learn a great technique for overcoming this obstacle and becoming massively more sexually powerful.
This is the 3rd in the series of video lessons from the infamous Burning Man Seminar that I held in September in Black Rock City on the best techniques for gaining Sexual Power in committed relationships.
Amazing advise and MUCH more beneficial that just increased sexual power.
shhh… that part is supposed to be a secret.
The overall secret mission of the website is to give humans a better, more fulfilling, more confident, self-trusting, self-accepting, awakened, and powerful LIFE… through great sex and intimacy.
Alex… your own sessions reveal the best intuition into the beauty of sexuality, freedom of communicating and exploring as well as some ideas or simple techniques to allow each of us to keep growing in this important aspect of being fully alive. Thank you!
what are rhe qualities that project charisma, women are attracted more to emotions and connection so how does one do it?
Hey John, the pick-up-artist-culture training wheels on this are to look at generalizations like, “women are more attracted to emotions,” and then figure out a paint-by-numbers approach to being attractive. These are shortcuts with short term, decent results… but do real damage to the possibility of really connecting and having great fun with a woman beyond just getting her attraction.
It is much more powerful to project charisma by being a man who is alignment with his purpose, who trusts himself, who is willing to be vulnerable and open because he deeply believes he’s worthy of attraction, because he knows that self-trust and vulnerable honesty are rare gifts to other humans.
If you followed the advice laid out in this video and burned out your shame through acts of vulnerability and self-trust, and then committed to being real in your interactions with women, to have fun and to enjoy being playful with women (from the position of liking yourself and trusting that they’ll probably like you too and that they’ll really enjoy having fun with a man who is unwilling to compromise his truth)… THAT would project more charisma than you could imagine.
The secret is that all you have to do is step into it. You just have to trust it. And the other secret is you don’t have to be anywhere close to perfect with it. It’s the commitment to trying that is so damn attractive.
Step 1) STOP trying to figure out how to get women attracted. It projects all the wrong things.
Step 2) START focusing on just enjoying interactions with women you are attracted to. Have fun for YOU. Take pleasure from the interaction itself, and stop worrying about the goal of getting them interested in you.
Step 3) Be real, be willing to go deep and truthful in your conversations and convictions while being truly open and interested in her being real and her truth… even if it doesn’t line up with yours. Enjoy her for who she is, AND FULLY enjoy her for your attraction to her. Be obvious and open about that, not shady and secretive and shameful about it. Enjoy your turn-on.
Step 4) Figure out how you can possibly choose who to go out with on Saturday night from the hundreds of women that will want to be with you.
Do you think there is a limit to where you can take this? Maybe wanting to tie someone up during sex is within the limits, but wanting to participate in group sex isn’t. Frankly there are fantasies I have and past experiences that I enjoyed that I wouldn’t involve my current lover in. There aren’t many things, but there are certainly a few. I feel it’s more important to have a good overall relationship with someone than simply to act out every sexual fantasy you have with them. Is it categorized as shame if there are fantasies, past experiences and desires that you would not share with your lover?
Thanks very much for all the great posts and insights by the way Alex…….this is becoming one of my favorite websites…..
Hey JP, thank you for the thoughtful and important question.
In the shame game, EVERYTHING is fair play for exploration and exposure. There is nothing off limits. That’s the entire point.
BUT… please note that I didn’t say anything about ACTING THEM OUT.
As you say, there are more important things to having a great relationship than to “simply act out every sexual fantasy you have with them,” but there actually is nothing more important to a great relationship than being able to reveal what is true about you and the ability to ACCEPT what is true about your lover.
I know a lot of men who fantasize, graphically, about murdering the guy that cuts them off at 80 mph in an SUV (okay, I’m talking about me). I also enjoy the fantasy of the biker gang that threatens the sorority house when I happen to be walking by and kick all their asses and send them running.
Now, to be clear, I’m not going to murder any SUV drivers nor get into a fist-fight with any biker gangs. Acting these fantasies out is not on my agenda. And, yes, I do feel a bit foolish admitting to these sophomoric hero fantasies here on my blog. But the point is, those fantasies are part of who I am and my wife finds them… well, if not exactly charming, at least acceptable!
Sexual fantasies cut closer to the bone. And we all have fantasies that are dark and not appropriate to act out. Violence, humiliation, degradation, and all sorts of illegal acts are engineered into the DNA of our desires. It’s all good as fantasy. And it can all be shared as fantasy without any hint or threat of needing to make it real.
So, in your example of wanting to participate in group sex… of course that one is fairly common to act out, and amongst consenting adults, it’s not illegal in most states. That said, you can act that out in fantasy without actually inviting others to join (e.g., your lover could blind-fold you and then enter and leave the room acting out as a different woman over and over again). OR… you could just discuss it, get turned on and not act it out all. Some fantasies are better off not being acted out at all (like my fight with the biker gang!).
Bottom line: If you are serious about your relationship, I strongly encourage you to begin sharing the things you are sexually ashamed of. You don’t have to do it all at once or expose your darkest secrets first. Just being the process and see where it leads. I think you will be surprised at how deeply you will feel loved when you play this game.
Hi, thank you for all the videos and tips and articles. The world i was a part of at some time has a belief that it is simply out of the line to talk about sex, something like no one have courage to talk about that and act out like it does not exists, but everyone does it. So it brought the issues of having challenging time to talk about that and we are not talking about doing it. That is like completely 2 different things. There was for some reason a shame if you start talking about sex with anyone beside your partner… along the lines like you are cheating if you talk about that with somebody else. I don’t know if it makes sense at all but i am very glad that i came across your website and all the information you are putting to light. Thank you.
Shame withers in the light.
Talk about it to the level you can and then push the edge. Maybe the first step is to start talking about the fact that you can’t talk about it… ignite that conversation for a while and then take the next step and give yourself permission to have mature conversations with people whose opinions you respect.
I think you’ll be surprised at how welcome your permission is for others to join you.
Love that you wrote about this. My husband falls into this category and I’ve tried to gently ask him about what might be in the way of his confidence and he responds simply with “I know I suck in bed” – in trying to have more authentic communication and with the intention of improving our relationship, I have told him that I am not attracted to him sexually. I don’t have desire for him nor do I ever get turned on by him or at the thought of having sex with him. I was gentle and loving in how I shared this and didn’t for 20 years in fear of “hurting him” but my actions spoke louder than my words and it was always tense for us around sex. For me it is an obligation or better, simply a gift of loving him I engage in but its not what I want for myself. He takes it personally. He thinks it is physical. He subscribed to yours and other’s blogs to learn “techniques” all of which I appreciate but the answer is not there. Its energetic and your article does the best job I’ve ever seen of explaining that. You and David Deida are referring to polarity of which, for me there is none. He is not showing up as a “man” in bed – taking charge, taking me! I have at times shown up in my vixen but he is almost giggly and childishly excited – like a boy in a strip joint – he doesn’t meet me as powerful. I love him. I love our life together. I’ve learned to accept that this is all there is in this department. But then he sends me articles from you about sex techniques and I cringe. I don’t want to have sex with him and yet your articles say its the way to have a long term healthy relationship. I agree. My resentment does sneak in to every aspect of our lives together and I have to often stuff it. I just don’t see how to change this. How to turn the mother tanker around. My shame is in how much I fake it, how much I fantasize about finding a lover, how much I want one!, how sometimes during sex with him I feel rage in my body … you can’t tell this to someone you care about! Especially at his level of consciousness – he gets so hurt and feels so hopeless that he gets even LESS confident. I can’t be his teacher around this. I so badly want a man who IS already … but here I am. And I love him. And he’s a wonderful man, partner, friend and father. So what if that’s what our long term relationship is based on and not regular healthy sex? I’ve talked about it with my therapist and plenty of wonderful girlfriend and now you. I feel free of any shame that would inhibit me but not able to make myself show up as all I know I could be when I feel nothing. Never excited. Always frustrated and annoyed. There you have it. Would love to hear your feedback. Is this sustainable?
Hi Hana, I suppose it’s as sustainable as you want it to be. The question of what you want your life to look like as you paint your future is entirely your choice.
You could remain friends, partners, and parents and open the relationship sexually to get your sexual needs met, you could separate and transition to parenting apart and pursue other, new relationships, you could go to serious work on re-creating this relationship, or you could simply shrug and maintain the status quo of keeping sexual dissatisfaction as something to talk about with your friends and therapists.
I’m sure there are more than these 4 options, but those are the big ones. I summarize them only to point out that not taking action is a choice to maintain the status quo.
The good news is that you can’t get this decision wrong. There is only a matter of difference in the way in which your life will unfold. Every option will come with challenges, heart-aches, satisfactions, victories, and pleasures.
If you choose to work on the relationship that you’ve got, it’s worth noting these things from your comments above:
1) When showing up in your “vixen” and finding him giggly, note that you are taking the masculine by doing that and it should not be surprising that he becomes feminine when you do that. This post on being sexually submissive explains more on that:
To get him to take charge and “throw you down” does not call for your vixen but more for your giggly girl.
Many modern women bristle at that little-girl side of femininity, and it’s the fodder for characters in sitcoms that other women dislike, and roll their eyes at the men who oh-so-predictably are attracted to them. It’s a shame because women get cheated out of much by denying this pretty and perfectly natural part of themselves.
2) Agreeing with him that you don’t enjoy sex with him was a bold step towards truth and I honor you for it. Now it is time to take the next step and figure out if that means you don’t want to continue your sexual relationship or if it means that you have a gorgeous opportunity for self-discover with each other in learning how to enjoy sex with each other.
“I’m not attracted to you,” is a very conversation from, “I wish I were attracted to you and I’m willing to work together on figuring out how to make that happen if you’re willing to do the work with me.”
3) You say you can’t be his teacher in this issue, and you’re probably right. He probably does need a teacher however, and he should find one.
4) Your concern that he “gets so hurt” and “feels so hopeless” fuels that part of him. You see him as small and he shows up as small. I you spent more time being in the feminine and reactive to his masculine early-on, and if you focused on and saw him as big… I wonder who he might have become. I’m not suggesting you’ve done anything wrong or that you are in any way to blame. I only mention it because we must acknowledge that a relationship forms from the actions and emotions of two people.
Wow, what an interesting response you received Hana. I’m sorry.
Typical. Its hysterical that he put in there “I’m not suggesting you did anything wrong” as I’m sure he realized that he pretty much did tell you that you are doing everything wrong otherwise why would he say that. Its sad how much he missed in what you shared and what he focused on, as it is indicative of the collective male shame of being unable to handle “sucking in bed”. I wanted to share what I heard you say. I heard you be a loving, sacrificing typical woman who puts the needs of her man and her family before her own. You are choosing them, and love and compassion with the awareness that your truth probably sends your husband to a place where he does not have the resources or tools to handle.
I heard in your letter that you have been in this relationship for 20 years – so when you shared that you tried the vixen thing I did imagine that you have done only that everyday for 20 years! I’m sensing that you have tried it all – the demure, the masculine, the feminine, the romantic, the whore – you mention David Deida so I hear you do your homework and didn’t need to be told that your vixen brings out his feminine. Insulting.
Kudos for that miniscule acknowledgment Alex gave you for speaking your truth BUT not without slipping in, of course, that you must have done that wrong too. He suggested you try “I wish I were attracted to you and I’m willing to work together on figuring out how to make that happen if you’re willing to do the work with me.” Because I’m sure you simply said “I’m not attracted you” … really? I’m hearing how much effort you put into speaking with gentleness and love and compassion and an invitation. I’m guessing, like most women, you spent an hour on telling him how much you wanted to spend your life with him, and have grandchildren together, and be together always and then 20 seconds on telling him how hard it is for you to say that you are not feeling attracted. Probably also said, “Its not that YOU are not attractive its just that I don’t feel it towards you.” I may be projecting but have worked with enough women to draw some conclusions. I know that most men don’t have the consciousness to hear anything else when they are told they are not satisfying their woman in bed.
I’m sorry you were not given acknowledgment right off the bat … you are a beautiful soul and probably were a match for this man when you met as we all are. My sense is that you found your sexuality within the relationship and are now finding yourself with someone you love and deeply care about and that it hurts you tremendously to feel that your experience and your desire for more could in someway be hurtful to him.
For Alex to say that “not taking action is a choice to maintain the status quo” is so shallow and reflects no comprehension of the love you are bringing – doing nothing? Really? She’s been with him for 20 years I’m guessing and it sounds like she continues to take action, she continues to choose love, she continues to not blame him but to wonder what else she could do. The response she gets from her husband, which she even appreciates, is he reads about “How to give your woman the orgasm of her life and she’ll be begging for more”. Please. We can give that to ourselves – we want to be seduced and courted and taken and be with a man who we trust to hold that space for us and meet us where we are and create it all day long not just go right for the clit and rock our world for 30 seconds (Which usually doesn’t happen and we fake it just to get rid of you and not “hurt your feelings”).
Alex; “you see him as small and he shows up as small. If you spent more time being in the feminine and reactive to his masculine early-on, and if you focused on and saw him as big… I wonder who he might have become.” Come on – how about maybe he shows up small and so that is how she sees him! Maybe his version of masculine is simply detached and hunter – go for the big “O” – no sense of even what she is experiencing. After 20 years together do you not believe that she has bent over backwards to make her man feel BIG! When are we going to stop making excuses and expect woman to “show up” in a way that helps her man and expect men to show up to begin with.
Hana, continue to show up in the truth of all of who you are. Show up as love. Show up open in your heart. Speak your truth. Your issue is none of what he shared with you it’s your over responsibility for how he takes it and how he feels that is in your way. Its that you have bought into the collective shame of woman that we become smaller to allow our men to experience themselves as men. If you do that you deny him the opportunity for any growth. Allow him to feel the pain, the shame the hurt and trust that THAT will be his greatest teacher. As a woman you have the capacity to stand by his side while he has his Dark Night of the Soul. Most men, if a woman weren’t satisfying him, would either leave or take another. You are choosing love and for this I want to acknowledge you and support you. And yes, at some point you will choose. Not to “take no action” but to take responsibility for a conscious choice. A choice for your family or a choice for moving on but either way the choice will be the one that you decide brings you the most joy.
PS. If you have a son, be sure to raise him with a celebration of what the masculine looks like when it is in the light of consciousness. Very powerful indeed.
Alex – for you. So you understand better. Good try though.
Hi Joann, I want to thank you for what is obviously an earnest attempt to help Hana who posted above.
Unfortunately your personal pain and anger with men has led you to make many assumptions about Hana and her situation, which align, obviously, with your own experience of men (and your finding a community of like-minded women who blame men for “making them” smaller).
Of course, this may indeed be the case… or it may not… but either way, it is not useful for Hana, or for YOU to move forward with assumptions that only make it more difficult to achieve the kind of lasting love and sexual/relationship satisfaction that you and so many other women crave.
I’m guessing that, by now, you’ve written me off in a haze of anger and righteousness and won’t read any further. Or you will only read looking for the elements that help “prove your point” or make you “right” about me (as you did with my post above).
But if you are able to stick with me with an open mind for just a few paragraphs, I believe that I can really help you (and other women that are reading along that found themselves strongly in agreement with your response above)… and whether you believe this or not, I would earnestly like to help you.
I don’t think you’re wrong. Your feelings are your own and nobody can take that away. I’m not interested in being “right” or “wrong”… What’s important is that you have a real opportunity to learn a few things about your self and your own shadow issues by reading your own words again, and trying to be objective about how you are showing up in ways that you almost certainly did not intend.
I believe you you sat down and wrote your response intending to help Hana… Yet more than half of your response was directed at belittling ME, and wrong-making of my response.
My advice, indeed, might not be the best. I’m a great teacher for many, with an extraordinary record of beautiful results for more couples than probably anyone else in my field… but I make plenty of mistakes! And I’m not the right teacher for everyone. But surely if you’ve spent a few minutes looking at my site, my replies, and the time and effort I make to give people good advice to improve their ability to love… you’d know that at least I’m well intentioned 🙂
Yet your response is dripping with sarcasm, wrong-making, blatant anger:
“how much he missed”
“indicative of collective male shame of being unable to handle…”
…that’s the sarcasm and wrong-making in just the first 2 paragraphs! And I missed the bit where you apologize to Hana for my bad actions.
So where is all that anger coming from towards a guy with a great track-record for helping couples love each other better, who is, at minimum, well intentioned?
Well, obviously that anger is coming from YOU… from your pre-existing rage at the ways in which men have made you small in your life (as discussed in your link with that brave young girl talking about how she learned how to be small in the face of men from her mother).
Take is a step further and then re-read my comment without looking for proof of reasons to be angry with men… and then re-read your post, and you’ll see that you made huge leaps of inferences of “what I probably REALLY meant,” rather than what I said (not to mention all of your assumptions about what you think Hana REALLY meant).
For example, you wrote: “For Alex to say that “not taking action is a choice to maintain the status quo” is so shallow and reflects no comprehension…”
But what I wrote was that Hana has power and choices in her life and that the status quo is, indeed, also a choice for inaction: “The question of what you want your life to look like as you paint your future is entirely your choice. You could remain friends, partners, and parents and open the relationship sexually to get your sexual needs met, you could separate and transition to parenting apart and pursue other, new relationships, you could go to serious work on re-creating this relationship, or you could simply shrug and maintain the status quo of keeping sexual dissatisfaction as something to talk about with your friends and therapists.
I’m sure there are more than these 4 options, but those are the big ones.”
Joann, here is a real chance for you to make a giant burst of growth that will significantly change your relationships with men for the better:
I told Hana that I thought that she was seeing her husband as small, and that seeing him as large and capable of meeting her in this challenge could have positive results.
I am going to tell you now that you are doing the same thing to Hana. You are seeing her as small… as someone in need of your protection and advocacy from the wrong-doing men surrounding her.
I see Hana as BIG. I see her as a woman capable of making her own choices in life, and reaping the benefits (and the pain, and everything else) that comes from making her own choices and guiding her own life in the direction she chooses.
And by writing this, I am also seeing you as BIG, and powerful, and capable of making powerful choices in your life… by asking you to notice your anger and sarcasm towards me and ponder WHAT IT MEANS…
If you are honest and open (and most of all, loving with yourself), I think you just might catch the tale of your shadow issue disappearing around the corner as it tries to hide from you.
Follow it and bring it out into the light and you will find deep peace and a new ability to bring ease and joy towards your romantic relationships with men.