Long, drawn-out, romantic foreplay or wild throw-down and get straight to it??
Most couples do foreplay completely wrong.
In this video I introduce my concept of “All Day Foreplay,” and the emotional (and SEXUAL) benefits that come from getting this right…
Here, here! I totally agree, foreplay shouldn’t be just about lubrication, it should be about opening each other up to the experience of sex—it can be everything from a stroke on the face as you pass your lover on the way to the kitchen to more serious play in the bedroom. All of that keeps you in tune with your partner and tuned into them sexually and keeps the “hum” going. You can keep it going all the time!
Foreplay? What’s that? After 5, 10, or 20 years of being with the same person, many of us don’t get foreplay from our hubby anymore. We get lazy sex; that’s exactly what we get. And when we ask for it, yeah we get a bit more meaningless groping and then the play is over, curtain down, it’s time to sleep. Asking hubby to try approaching love-making in a different way after so many years is a MONUMENTAL task. It’s exhausting really. You do the research and he won’t even look at it. You try leading by example but it’s useless. And the sad thing in all this is hubby will only start noticing when his girl starts looking the other way and by then, everyone is hoping it isn’t too late. Great work on all your material Alex.
Hey Anna, based on this and other comments it sounds like you are at least “contemplating” looking outside your marriage for sexual satisfaction. It’s hard being a human, and relationships are so complex, each so absolutely unique, that I would never judge someone who concluded, after knowing their spouse far better than I ever will, that this is the only way–
Here’s a few things to consider first:
1) You are not getting your sexual desires met, and you’re trying to figure out what you have to do — talk to him, lead by example, etc. — to get those desires met. But what about HIS desires? Do you think they are being met?
I can tell you that I’m pretty certain that they are NOT. And it sounds to me like you don’t even know what they are.
His fault because he doesn’t share them with YOU?
Perhaps… but I think in these cases, “fault” is a word with no relevance. You have done or said things that made him think it’s not safe to discuss it with you. And he doesn’t have the courage to try to overcome that fact.
And to be clear, his sexual desires might be really, really difficult for you to hear: Things like, “I’m only interested in other women,” or even some kink he’s never shared with anyone, that might sound wildly distasteful or inappropriate to you… even illegal.
Such is the stuff of fantasy and desire, and it’s entirely possible that there is nothing you can do to ever be the woman that fulfills those desires.
BUT… it’s also possible that if you begin by making it SAFE, or even EXCITING (eventually) for him to tell you what would REALLY get him off, that your lack of judgement alone will open new possibilities for the two of you. You might even get really turned on by his fantasies, and you might be able to act them out in fantasy, or even just masturbate together sharing the same fantasy– and then something has begun.
2) Once honest conversation is a possibility, you may discover that while you are still great friends, and maybe even still deeply in love, you are no longer on the same page sexually. That’s sad, but it’s something you can deal with together with very high integrity if that’s the case. Open or polyamorous relationships are possible, where you remain loving friends and co-parents, and you are as happy for each other going out and having satisfying sex with someone else as you would be if any of your other best friends came to you to report they had fantastic sex with someone else.
Or you might even agree that the marriage is “complete”. That you’ve learned and grown and shared amazing experiences together, and now it’s time to explore the world individually. “Divorce” in our culture sounds so much like failure, admitting defeat, having all of that work amount to “nothing”, admitting that you made a mistake in your choice of partner since it wasn’t forever.
I say: What a crock of socially imposed BULLSHIT!
It’s absurd to imagine that you can share incredibly deep, precious, and profound years with another person, grow in unexpected ways, meet challenges together over the year, even create life together… and then, when it’s complete, to pretend those years weren’t infinitely valuable… that there could possibly anything “wrong” with having spent them together.
In either any of these cases, you are liberated for new sexual adventure with integrity.
Now you may believe that your husband simply isn’t man enough to hear these things or have these conversations, and that cheating is the only way to save his frail ego (or not ignite his horrible temper), and also have the meaningful intimacy in your life that you deserve…
3) May I present my friend Nathan’s game of “Top Truth”.
Top Truth is a way to practice getting closer to having the kind of authentic communication I’m talking about in (1) and (2) above.
To play, you acknowledge to yourself the “deep truth” that you know you could ever utter, and you work your way up to the top truth that is closest to your “deep truth” that you have the courage to say.
For example, let’s say your deep truth is: “I wish I could openly have sex with other men.”
Something less deep might be, “I sometimes fantasize about other men,” or “I need more from my sex life,” and you decide, no, you can’t say either of those things either…
And finally you decide, the deepest TRUE thing that you can say (it’s gotta be true or you’re cheating!) is, “I wish we could have a real conversation about our sexual desires.”
That’s your “top truth”.
What comes next?
Well, once you reveal your top truth, it generally makes going one level deeper suddenly seem possible. And so the goal is work your way down from top truth to top truth, until perhaps you eventually get to your Deep Truth.
Some women (or men) might judge their spouse unworthy or incapable of playing this game (they don’t need to know they are playing, of course), but it’s my general experience that when you start moving towards Truth and integrity in your life, that other people are are surprisingly responsive– They welcome your invitation and your trust they are worthy of playing a higher game, and your spouse might just surprise you.
In fact, don’t be surprised if he ends up better at it than you and that you end up the one having to work hard to remain courageous in the face of Truth.
The thing is, Truth is always worth it.