Let me give you a warning in advance about the material in this blog post:
I am NOT responsible if your neighbors complain about the noise.
Most men love it when the woman they are with shows a lot of– let’s call it “vocal enthusiasm” in the bedroom.
Often you’ll hear guys complaining about some woman they are dating that just lays there like she’s bored…
Let me let you in on a secret: Whenever I hear a guy say something like that, I can’t help but
Maybe that’s because she WAS bored?
As men, we really, really like it when a woman totally loses control of herself from coming so hard, and she just screams her head off.
So logically, unless she’s faking it, that means that YOU’VE got to be good in bed first.
Now, if you are fairly experienced in the bedroom, you might be saying to yourself right now, “wait a minute, Alex, some girls are just shy– they don’t make a lot of noise no matter how hard they come.”
Yeah, I know the type– the girls that just breath harder and faster when they have an orgasm, but, for one reason or another, they don’t “let it out” and get their scream on.
Well, I make them scream– And you can too.
Here’s an important thing to understand, when a woman is not screaming, she is holding herself back.
And even though she may think she’s really getting off and that she doesn’t need to make noise to prove it… the truth is, because she is holding herself back, she is probably NOT experiencing orgasms that are anywhere near as powerful as she is capable of.
In fact, I’ve talked with women who THOUGHT that they were having orgasms, but really, they were just feeling a lot of sexual excitement, which felt really good, and so they figured, hmm… that must be what orgasms feel like.
It didn’t occur to them that maybe there was something else, something bigger, that they were not experiencing.
…Until someone actually brought them over the edge and they realized, “Oh my God, so THAT’S what an orgasm feels like!”
And you might be interested to know that sometimes the very thing that got them over the edge and had them experience their first real orgasm was the act of screaming itself.
Let that one sink in for a moment.
It wasn’t the screaming that was DIRECTLY doing it. It was the act of letting themselves go enough… it was allowing themselves to relax and just let it out… it was the release of their
inhibitions to make noise…
And that simultaneously released their inhibitions to fully experience an orgasm unlike anything they had experienced before.
Having a screaming orgasm can be a self-perpetuating cycle for a woman. It’s a feedback loop.
Allowing themselves to make noise makes them come harder, sometimes even MUCH harder, which makes them scream more, which makes them come harder…
You get the idea.
Unfortunately, you can’t get this great result by just saying to a girl, “okay, I’d like you to scream now while we are having sex.”
In order to get her to let go– I mean REALLY let go and be completely un-selfconscious about it — you are going to have to get her comfortable enough to surrender over her body… to YOU.
And it is why sex is (or can be when it’s truly amazing) so incredibly intimate for women.
Most women can’t give this level of orgasmic experience to themselves. They can only achieve these heights with an expert lover– somebody who they can surrender control to.
Have you ever done something with a buddy that you would have been afraid to do alone?
Maybe you did something that you knew was dangerous– and if you were on your own, you wouldn’t have had the guts to go… (and if he was on his own, he wouldn’t have had the guts either)– but together, even though it was still every bit as dangerous, you had the confidence to do it because you knew your pal had your back.
It’s not a perfect example, but maybe it helps you understand why “Sexual Trust” is so important for a woman:
She can’t go to this place that “feels” dangerous to her all by herself. She needs you to take her by the hand and guide her.
This is probably the most important thing you’ll ever read about making love. And it may sound a bit vague or confusing when you first encounter the idea. But this bit of sexual mastery just happens to be more “art” than “science”.
If learning how to create Sexual Trust is a sticking point for you, the best way I know to truly “get it” is to go through the process of my Sexual Mastery Program so that you can listen to it explained out it in stages.
Sexual Trust, obviously, is the master key to the process, but let’s look at some super easy ways to make a woman more comfortable to get her scream on with you.
Start with MUSIC. It’s a simple tip, but a good one.
Playing music serves two very important roles in this situation–
The first is that if you play it reasonably loud, it gives her some “cover” for the noise that she is making. It’s a harder surrender to make noise in a silent room than a loud one. It lets her experiment with making more noise without the neighbors noticing.
The second reason is that music affects our emotions– and it especially affects women’s emotions. And it is through her emotions that she will eventually reach the point of trust and intimacy to release herself.
What music should you play?
This is important: Play the music that SHE wants to hear. What YOU think it sexy music is all well and good, but right now we are working on HER feelings, and the music that makes her feel a sense of sexual abandonment might really surprise you.
If she’s already doing some heavy breathing and making small noises, the next thing to do is… Give her something to say.
Try this: Tell her to say your name.
This isn’t for everyone and it’s not a 100% thing, but it can work very well, and be a nice connector at the same time.
The idea is to make her engage her vocal cords when she is at the height of her excitement or when she is actually having an orgasm.
Tell her to say your name, out loud, as she is coming, and she might very well involuntarily
SCREAM your name.
Part of the “secret sauce” here is that you are telling her what to do. You can do this sweetly, dominantly, teasingly… as long as it is firm and not tentative on your part. This allows her to feel a surrender of control as she is approaching orgasm.
Now there is another psychological/emotional reason for having her say your name, rather than shouting out, say, “Hallelujah!”
It is an intimacy builder. It is a nice, bonding thing for her to associate you and the sound of your name coming out of her own mouth, to her most profound pleasure.
So putting your name into her thoughts is nice. But in the end, if that’s weird for her, “YES!” or “MORE!” or “HARDER!” will do.
Okay, now we are going to move into some slightly more advanced territory.
One of the most powerful ways to get her to release her inner banshee is to completely eliminate any hint of your own sexual shyness or shame.
Look, it’s not your fault, and nobody is completely free of any insecurities, so this can be more difficult than it sounds.
Women have very strong intuition, and they sense when we are uncomfortable.
However, if you want her to be completely uninhibited in bed, it is asking an awful lot if you are coming to bed with a bunch of your own insecurities.
Anything you do that tips her off to the fact that you are not feeling 100% comfortable and in control of the situation is going to work against you.
What kinds of things will tip her off?
Nervous laughter, any kind of defensive or angry remarks towards her if anything goes differently than you expected, and any feelings of frustration are just a few…
But the bigger ones are any time you try to do something to make yourself look “cool” or create an effect. Anything that feels “fake” to her, or like you are “trying” for a reaction.
The most secure and powerful thing you can do in the bedroom is to be authentic.
And the other big one is to express passion yourself.
Very few men have the confidence it takes to show their true passion and really lose themselves
in the act of making love. Those that do win instant trust and passion in return.
You can fake it and get some results, but in the end, authenticity is king.
When she sees that you are coming to her with your guard down and all of your filters turned off,
her body will respond to you in ways that you can’t imagine.
If you want to really take a woman to the next level of sexual pleasure, have the courage to be vulnerable and authentic with your passion.
If you follow these simple steps, it should not take long before your previously shy woman is screaming her head off, waking up the neighbors, and begging you for more.
Quick warning– some women like to scream “please stop,” or “No, no, I can’t take any more,” and stuff of that nature.
This can actually work better than yelling out your name for many women, because, powerfully, it allows her to surrender permission to you…
BUT there’s a huge downside if you live in an apartment as it can easily result in overly concerned neighbors calling the police.
Trust me, this is bad. And you have been warned.
AND… If she really wants/needs to play in that space of screaming, “no!” then you will want to
make SURE that you have “safe word” that means “no for real”… and, of course, you need to be certain that she is 100% consensual in the entire process.
As I mentioned, getting a woman to open to the idea of making noise is a pretty good tip for giving a woman who has never experienced an orgasm, her very first one.
And that alone can be a beautifully bonding experience that leads to even deeper Sexual Trust, and even more powerful sexual adventures together.
Dear Alex – I have learned more about myself and what makes men great lovers ever since I started to read your Newsletters , and I purchased Revolutionary Sex 3.0 for my man and myself he is a great lover but really enjoys
you on going info. I am a 74 year old woman in a hot love affair with a 60 year old man –
Oh, thank you Diane, that was an extra sweet one to read!
OMG I had no idea old people had hot love affairs at that age. That is awesome and I’m 34 so this gives me good encouragement to take good care of myself and keep it real so I can enjoy that when I’m in my 70’s!
Hi Alex, I really enjoy reading the stuff you are putting out. Not only is it incredibly useful and enjoyable, it’s teaching me stuff that I may not have previously known. Thank you, Scott
You are a great writer.
It sounds like authenticity is the key to Sexual Trust.
This seems like it goes to the core of masculinity. The man must be fearless enough to be genuine. Showing himself to her without reserve, or a hint of embarrassment or shame. That’s totally badass and beautiful.
Thank you Alex!
Sounds like you’re right on it Billy!
However, I don’t want to imply that men need to get this perfect, or even close to perfect. We all have more than just hints of shame and we can’t perfectly show ourselves to others because we don’t even do that to ourselves… self-deception occurs at great depths.
The big points come from just trying to be that man. Just showing up willing to play the game of being real is so uncommon and so masculine, that women will not want to let a man like that go.
And, of course, a big dose of self-forgiveness and self-humor needs to go along with this, because nobody wants to be with a man who is constantly beating on himself for not achieving the greatness he is aiming for.
Alex – I’m in a long distance relationship with a woman that I dated in high school more than 20 years ago. We got back in contact with each other and we’ve only managed to see each other a few times but we talk on the phone and email as much as we can. We haven’t been intimate yet, but we were intimate when we dated in high school and we both agreed to not rush things and just let them happen. My question for you is, even though we were intimate a long time ago, are there any shortcuts or tips that you could give me regarding how I should progress things with her on an intimate level. I’ve never been in this kind of situation before, so any advice you could give me would be appreciated.
Hey Jon, my “general” advice is to rush things, play hard, go deep, be willing to risk, and allow yourself to follow your sexual desires.
And, of course, that is not always the best advice for every situation. My “specific” advice I can’t give you because I don’t know you, I don’t know her, and I don’t know how you are with each other.
I’m against long-distance relationships unless they are “open” relationships or you are planning to cut the distance thing soon. So, if you’re a soldier off to war and your wife is at home – obviously nothing can be done about it, but at least there is an end date, a home-coming in sight.
If you are simply living in different cities and manage to have sex a few times a year, I think you are both cheating each other out of a more involved, juicier life that involves a lot more human contact and sexual intimacy.
There are thousands of women you could fall for, thousands of men that she could fall for… if you want to be together, be together. If you can’t be together, then somebody should have the courage to face that fact.
And, again, this isn’t going to be true in every case.
So, based on very little, I’d say this:
You should both be dating other people and enjoying life to the fullest. When you see her, you should be focused on fun, squeezing the zest out of life, and having lots of sex without waiting. Enjoy each other. Be open and honest about plans for the future even if that plan is that you don’t want a plan. Be cool with whatever the outcome is… it’s neither the beginning nor the end of anything.
This is great stuff, great indeed. I have read some techniques and I just could not understand why my results were not great. This is definitely part of the missing link. Thanks for sharing! I just bought your book and I will devour it.
About long term relationships… I am in one right now. I was really hesitant to get into one but i did because I really enjoy being with her. I can manage, to go to her city 9 days every month, two entire months during the summer and another whole month in December. What do you think? I understand that every case is different and that it is not ideal; however, I am really curious about what “sex a few times a year” means for you. My future city is uncertain right now so I can not say that I have a definite plan to move to her city (we are 7 months into the relationship, so I would not make a decision like moving based only on her at this point) My logical brain thinks that maybe it is not healthy for us, specially because she is really young (I am 30 she is 23), but on the other hand I just don’t feel like ending something that may turn out to be something great in the long term. Honestly, i just feel like shit when I think about ending my relationship but my logical brain is there and well… It is there
Thanks a lot for all your work and sorry for changing the topic, I got really curious with the last comment.
Hey Trevor, I can’t possibly tell you what to do about your long distance relationship, other than to tell you that I think you are doing exactly the right self-inquiry on it. You seem to have great clarity on the important issues.
You could consider doing an “open relationship” until you have a better idea about where it might (or might not) be going.
The age thing is without any merit since she’s not on biological-clock-time and the difference between you is actually quite small.
And your logical brain is right to be skeptical about you “feeling like shit” about ending it, because, of course, there are many fear-based reasons for wanting to be in a relationship. And, yet, of course, if you’re crazy about her, why not play it out a bit as long as you’ve got a clear end-date and end-strategy in mind for when you could be together (or pull the plug).
I don’t think there’s any harm in playing it out a little further until that two month’s in the summer. After that, you need to be clear if (and where) you’re deceiving yourself about the future in order to avoid the uncertainty of being unattached again.
I laughed so hard when I read “One of the most powerful ways to get her to release her inner banshee is to completely eliminate any hint of your own sexual shyness or shame.” You make it sound so simple and it is so true yet it feels like it will be a life-long journey. With the help of your material I have made a ton of progress, thanks a million (probably two or three million)
Well now, I never said it would be simple!
In fact, it is a life-long journey, and like most journey’s it’s the going that counts. The destination is secondary and you might not ever get there, but it’s being on the journey itself that is so disarming, refreshing, trust-building, and just plain attractive to your woman.
I’m reading all of your posts and they are great! everything really makes sense and it has made me improve a lot of things in my attitude towards my girlfriend when been intimate.
Sometimes I used to got very frustrated because she wouldn’t let me progress in sex. For example we have been in this relationship for over 7 months but only 2 as a formal relation and she wouldn’t take her pants of because she is embarrassed of doing so, probably on getting herself exposed.
Besides she gets embarrassed with lots of things, like getting wet, she also is virgin and she says it scares her to feel new sensations.
She is the kind of woman who says “Please stop”.
It was funny because I just understood, a few weeks before getting to your knowledge, some things that you mention here.
I was getting very frustrated when she wouldn’t let me get into her pants for example, so I used to get a bit angry with her because I wouldn’t understand why she was like that with me, I thought she wouldn’t go further because she wanted me to be in a formal relation and that pissed me off because I’m very liberal with sex.
So after I understood this made things just worse since she has fears related to sex, instead of showing myself frustrated I started to show that I didn’t care or even replacing that moment with compliments to her.
I think I’m doing it better, now she is more “free” and she would get to higher levels of intimacy in places that before I would never thought that she would feel comfortable before.
I feel that the pressure that I’ve mede her feel when we were first dating still haunts her somehow, I was very rude and the only thing I wanted was to was to have sex without knowing I was affecting her emotions and she used to have issues with sex and I wasn’t aware of that. So I think I hurt her somehow.
I would really like to be the one to gets her in bed for the first time. She is a great woman and I think I really like her, and having sex with her might be an amazing experience for me.
Is there any other advice that you could tell me in order to make this process faster or better? I guess I should build up more confidence with her but there might be something that I missing to get this done.
Obviously the first time is also a bigger deal, and I would like to know how to lead the situation so she enjoys the most if this happen and that she remembers it as something great.
You’re doing great man.
If you feel like the pressure from early in the relationship still haunts the relationship than BRING IT UP. Have a deep and vulnerable conversation with her about why you misunderstood her position and that once you “got her” you realized pressuring her was wrong. Get her to talk about how it felt for her to be pressured and how it feels for her now.
Make is 100% safe for her to tell you those things by validating every one of them as understandable and important (even if you don’t agree with them… hold off on that part because she needs to feel safe first). As men we want to fix things, so if she says, “I’m afraid of my own sexual arousal,” we want to say: “You don’t have to be! It’s a good and natural!” But that just shows her that you think she’s wrong.
Instead, spend some time really trying to feel what she’s feeling and why.
Then give her compassion and safety around those feelings.
Spread love into those wounds and make them welcome. Then they won’t feel so urgent to her anymore, and they’ll be less powerful and less important the next time she is feeling arousal. Smile when it comes up and kiss her more. Eventually she will understand that she can trust you with surrender.
Nothing turns me on more than when women either tells me she is a slut for me where i can feel it and/or she is vocal and totally enjoying me fucking and/or making love to her! Based on my expereince the more turned on and enjoyment my woman is having the more it turns me on and makes it harder to “hold it” if you know what I mean.
Just heard bout you through Michael Elsberg and glad I did. Gonna sign up for your list to get your emails and thanks for the great article!
Glad to have you here. Michael is one of the great warrior philosophers of sex, relationship, and being a human.
Thanks and look forward to getting your emails.
I was throughly amused at the line when you said that for some women, the screaming might be the thing that ultimately tips the balance.
Makers perfect sense: Bedroom sounds (both mine and my partner’s) drives me mad but we’ve always had to be mindful of our volume cos we live in a room with really thin walls.
Never occurred to me that it’s possibly one of the biggest reasons I’ve never orgasmed is cos the moment I start to lose control I panic and snap out of it cos I’m so scared of making noise.
Alex i’m really enjoying your advice. thank you for not making women feel belittled. i like what you said about being authentic. i’ve noticed that my husband tries to stimulate me by using different accents but that ends up killing the vibe all together. i just wanna hear his voice his accent. now that’s a real turn on.
Oh gosh Alex your going to turn all us women on I always say I’m not a screamer but I know deep down inside if the right opportunity came I would scream just as loud as my lover does during his orgasm from his blow job…but this is amazing too bad you can’t just do a forward to your lover without offending them…and say please read love!