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More Tips For Women Who Can't Come
***QUESTION***
hey,i have a question I have been with my GF for
a while now....but I can't make her orgasm. this
is the first time this has happened. i have been
reading the news letters like crazy to try and
find a new answer. all the old stuff that works
doesnt anymore!! please help me i just dont feel
i can pleasure her in bed!!!
>>>MY REPLY:
So, obviously, my first question is going to
be: "can she have an orgasm at all?"
If she can't have an orgasm at all, even when
she is masturbating, then she is pre-orgasmic,
and there are a lot of things you are going to
want to try, and a lot of steps you are going to
want to take to give her her first.
I'll give you 2 quickies right here:
1) Try a vibrator. It's a great tool to get
her past the hurdle of thinking she can't... and
once she's had her first, it will be easier to
repeat the trick, and eventually get rid of the
vibrator if you want to.
2) Give her this "mental tip": Tell her not to
"try hard" to come... concentration doesn't work,
she has to relax and surrender to it. It's more
like surfing than kayaking. The harder she pushes
the further it will get.
Now... On the other hand...
If she CAN have an orgasm from masturbation,
but she just can't get there when you guys are
in bed together-- despite the fact that you think
you're doing all the right things...
Then the issue is not WHAT you are "doing" at
all.
It's an EMOTIONAL issue, and you will have to
work to make her feel safe enough to surrender to
you.
That means building Sexual Trust... and that
means taking the pressure OFF of her to have an
orgasm.
Sex, by now, might be a high-pressure situation
for her, and she may already feel like a failure
because of this. So you might want to reframe it
completely.
Try setting aside a night where you tell her in
advance that the goal is NOT orgasm. Not for
either of you. But just a chance to explore
each other's bodies and find out what feels good.
She probably won't just suddenly come the first
time you do this. The object really is to learn
about each other's bodies... and to begin making
it safe for her to have sexual pleasure without
all the pressure.
It's a great first step.
Then when you are back to having regular sex,
see if you can keep that pressure off of her.
Once she is confident enough, she'll be able
to come as easily with you as she can by herself.
***QUESTION***
Dear Mr. Allman, I do enjoy your answers to readers
questions. I have another to throw at you after
reading your last answer session. I have M.S. and
I feel very inadequate in the bedroom (my problem
is mainly physical) and I have tried your remedies
mentioned in the last session. I am having problems
maintaining an erection while performing these
exercises you mentioned. Another problem is that
she does not accept my compliments or "all day
foreplay" even when this is done during times when
there is no possible way we could have a "sexual"
encounter. We have been married for 10 years and
I am only looking for satisfaction on the weekend
and I give "all week foreplay." I would feel good
about her just placing her hand on mine or on my
knee. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
One of your greatest fans, J.
>>>MY REPLY:
Hey man, I am going to be straight up with you
here-- your problem does have a solution, but it
is a very difficult one for any man to achieve...
And the MS is going to make it even more of
a challenge, not because of the way it affects
your strength and your physical ability to have
sex, but because of the way it is affecting your
relationship and your confidence.
Here's the very center of the issue between
you and your wife:
**People treat you exactly the way you TRAIN
them to treat you**
Women are massively turned on by "masculine
strength."
And since you have challenges with physical
strength, that means you must rely on the strong
masculine qualities of your personality...
That means things like courage, aggression
when necessary, never accepting second class
treatment from anyone, being calm as ice in
emotionally stressful situations, being a rock
when she is weak or cranky, etc....
Unfortunately, because of your illness, you
say you "feel very inadequate in the bedroom".
It's your FEELING of inadequacy that is keeping
your wife from being turned on and wanting sex.
Let me say that again--
The problem is NOT your physical inadequacy,
it is the fact that you FEEL inadequate that
is creating the problems.
I know guys in wheelchairs to behave and
believe they are bad-asses, and I see the affect
they have on women...
Confidence is sexy. Period. And a lack of
it is a big problem...
And when you say that "I am only looking for
satisfaction on the weekend" and "I would feel
good about her just placing her hand on mine..."
...man, THIS is what is CAUSING the problem.
You have trained her to think of you as a
second class citizen in your relationship...
You have trained her to think of you as a
man who is looking for her sympathy, not her
PASSION.
You've probably heard the John F. Kennedy
quote: "Once you say you're going to settle for
second, that's what happens to you in life."
There are dozens of quotes from successful
people just like that one.
That's because it's true.
It sounds like you feel that she should give
you this small amount of attention because she
should be "nice" to you-- but you don't want to
trouble her for more.
Maybe that's because you feel like you are
already asking much of her in living with a man
who has MS. Obviously neither of you saw that
one coming... and let's be real here... I have no
idea how hard that must be, or how I would handle
it if I were in your situation.
I'm not putting you down here. You are in
a situation that few men would be feeling heroic
about. It sucks.
So it seems to me there are a lot of complex
issues in your life and your relationship, and
I'm not going to try to answer all of them.
Limiting myself to only the question of "how
to improve your sex life," you've got to reclaim
your masculine power in the relationship.
Ideally a woman wants a man who demands sex
all of the time. She wants a man who says, "take
off your clothing and dance sexy for me while I
sip my drink."
A man who knows how to take control...
Because that's what makes HER feel sexy.
A lot of guys have been confused by my concept
of "All Day Foreplay," thinking that it meant you
should give her a lot of compliments.
That is not the case. I used the example of
giving compliments to a woman who has issues with
her body image.
If your wife is attractive and she knows it and
men compliment her all the time, then that is not
going to work at all.
The idea behind All Day Foreplay is to train
her to feel sexy when she is around you by doing
the things that make her feel sexy.
Sometimes that's giving her compliments...
But it could be telling her that you love her,
it could be tickling her, it could be spanking
her whenever she walks by, it could be whispering
romantic things in her ear, it could be saying
really dirty, raunchy things to her...
Whatever her blueprint is to keep her on a nice
slow simmer so that by the time you get to the
bedroom she can't wait for you to rip her clothes
off.
Here is the very, very difficult challenge in
front of you...
Now that you have trained her into this idea
that you are not a powerful, masculine presence in
her life-- it is going to be very hard to get her
to change her mind.
People are VERY resistant to change... and they
can be especially resistant to a change in the
ones that they love.
The crazy, messed up paradox of this is that
she is not going to want you to change... even if
that change is for the better... even if that
change is going to give her a better relationship,
better sex, and a better life.
She has made her decision. Staying consistent
to that decision is a powerful force of human
nature. If you start acting in powerful,
masculine, and demanding ways, she is probably
going to react with anger and frustration.
Can it be done?
Yes. It can. But it's going to take time,
persistence, courage... and a big bucket of
masculine strength to do it.
Perhaps the M.S. is the gift that will allow
you to rise up above ordinary men and fully
demonstrate your heroic strength of mind and
become a powerful role model for others.
I wish you luck my friend. I have confidence
in you and believe you can do it if you choose to.
***QUESTION FROM A WOMAN***
hi Alex, your information is great and i love
hearing your tips, however i have tried many
things and i still cant seem to have an orgasm!
many of my friends say their first was while
masturbating, but that just doesnt turn me on at
all. do you have any advice?
>>>MY REPLY:
Relax. Many women are pre-orgasmic for years...
But the important thing to remember is that
many of those women (even women who were
frustrated and thought they would NEVER have an
orgasm) have learned the trick.
That means that YOU can too.
A lot of this stuff can be emotional, and make
no mistake, the right partner can go a long, long
way to making it happen for you...
But let's look at what you can do for yourself.
I'm going to give you 3 quick tips, but I'm
going to cheat a bit...
The first 2 tips are the same that I gave the
guy above whose girlfriend is also pre-orgasmic...
So here's how I responded to him:
1) Try a vibrator. It's a great tool to get
her past the hurdle of thinking she can't... and
once she's had her first, it will be easier to
repeat the trick, and eventually get rid of the
vibrator if you want to.
2) Give her this "mental tip": Tell her not to
"try hard" to come... concentration doesn't work,
she has to relax and surrender to it. It's more
like surfing than kayaking. The harder she pushes
the further it will get.
I know you mentioned that you don't care for
masturbation, and that it doesn't turn you on...
But that MAY be part of the problem... I don't
know for sure, but is it possible that you have
some issues with your own body and whether it's
"okay" for you to give yourself pleasure?
A lot of women are conditioned to be "giving"
all the time and they feel guilt about "receiving"...
Especially "receiving" from themselves... They
feel like it's SELFISH.
It's not.
But for a woman who feels that way, me saying,
"it's not," is not going to suddenly change
everything. It's something that may take time to
grow past.
Get yourself a romance novel or some erotic
stories written for women... I recommend Nancy
Friday's book, "My Secret Garden" which is a
collection of other women's sexual fantasies.
(You can get it on Amazon or your local bookstore)
Getting turned on alone is an important thing
to be able to do...
Then try the vibrator.
Don't worry about "succeeding" at having an
orgasm... just see if you can get yourself really
turned on when you are alone... and have some
really delicious, sexual feelings coming from
touching your vagina and clitoris, with or
without the vibrator.
In other words, focus on tip #2 and just relax.
"Trying" hard to have an orgasm does not work.
And now, just for you...
3) Find what feels great and keep doing it...
relax...
don't stop even if it feels like you might
either (a) pee or (b) explode...
and breath in slow, long sighs (feel free to make
an ahhhhh noise on the exhale).
When I say "find what feels great" I mean...
- The PLACE where you touch that gives you the
most sexual arousal...
- The WAY that you touch it (where, with what
motion, how much pressure)
- The RHYTHM that builds the most sexual tension.
Once you find those three things that feel
the most sexually powerful to you... DO NOT
CHANGE ANYTHING!
There may be a very powerful urge to speed up
or slow down or go harder or softer.
Don't.
Just relax and breath and surf the pleasure.
Follow these 3 tips alone or with your partner
and don't worry about whether or not you have
an orgasm.
Just focus on enjoying the pleasure you are
getting and let yourself fall into it.
You'll be having your first orgasm in no time!
***COMMENT FROM A WOMAN***
Alex, as a woman, I simply would like to let you
know that even without your books, your newsletters
have been quite a help to me. Your frank and
no-nonsense, healthy and fun appraoch to touchy
questions and sensitive issues has helped me to
form the words and the eventual conversations that
have led to better communication with at least two
sexual partners. Your language and your style has
given me (who is no inarticulate bum, by any means)
the way to say much of what I've needed a man to
know but wasn't sure how to approach him.
So, I think you really should market yourself more
to women, as we could use the help simply in
understanding better ways to let our guys know
what we need most.
Bless you, Darling Alex, and many kisses to your
sweet face!
- AC from Indiana
>>>MY REPLY:
Awwww... shucks ma'am!
Usually I GIVE the advice in this place, but
this time it looks like I'm GETTING some...
Thank you for your kind words-- and your advice
to market myself towards women.
I don't know if I'm ever going to have a
product that focuses directly on how women can be
"better in the bedroom"... but I AM planning a
program of how women can talk to their partner
more freely about sex...
Rather than marketing towards women, I think I
am more comfortable talking to and advising
COUPLES... and in the next few months you'll be
seeing an exciting new program designed for
couples to use TOGETHER.
But in the meantime, some great news...
On Sept. 19, just a week from now, I'll be
releasing a new "home study program" on CD called
"Sexual Mastery".
It is also designed for men, but is more
"couple focused" and has a lot of info about the
special sexual challenges for long term
relationships... it is also a chance for men to
hear me explain firsthand, in my own voice, some
of the more challenging concepts that I talk
about in the book.
I think it's going to completely change the
way men relate sexually to their partners and
lead to many, many more happy couples!
You'll be hearing a lot more about it soon.
Thanks again for your email and your support.
CLICK HERE NOW
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