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Questions From Female Readers
***QUESTION***
i am a female. i dont have any body image problems.
i love sex. i have multiple orgasms but i soooo
want to squirt. am i trying too hard? i have been
trying for over a year now.i have wicked orgasms
but i dont squirt.
-Anonymous
>>>MY COMMENTS:
I get so many questions about female ejaculation...
On the good news side, all of those questions
reflect a positive attitude about female
ejaculation-- that is, the folks reading this
newsletter all think of it as something special
and healthy and desirable.
That's a big and very sophisticated change
from the time when men regularly got angry and
women embarrassed thinking that something was
"wrong."
We have come a long way.
...But something else is going on that might be
equally unhealthy in people's attitudes:
The idea that if you DON'T squirt that there
is something "wrong" with you.
Now I'm a guy, so obviously I've never
experienced female-type squirting with my own
body-- but I do understand from women that it does
feel "different" from an orgasm without ejaculate,
and it is "special", "cleansing", and "renewing."
So, I guess, if I was a woman, and I hadn't
experienced it, I'd be chasing it around too.
But it is important to not get too carried away,
and here's why--
Unlike men, women experience many different
types of orgasm, and they describe the sensations
in many different ways. And it's very hard to
know between women if they are actually
experiencing the same thing or different things.
I mention this to you because the other big
important thing to know is that the glands that
allow a woman to squirt (the intra-urethral
glands) are very different in size in different
women. And the ducts that open from them are
also very different in size...
Some are so small that they may let almost
no fluid through...
The result is...
For some women a LOT of ejaculate comes out,
and for some, only a small amount can get out at
a time. It may only drip instead of squirt.
In other words-- could you already be squirting
and not know it?
Yes. It is possible.
Here's some ways you might know...
Generally the "squirting orgasm" takes a long
time to work up to, and once it begins it puts
your body into an orgasmic spasm that lasts quite
a long time-- even if you stop stimulating the
area. And afterwards you may feel a profound
sense of cleansing or like you've been "renewed."
Also, you may feel a sense that you are about
to pee just before it begins (caused by the
pressure in the intra-urethral glands)
"Squirting orgasms" are achieved a little
differently than regular orgasms-- they are not
caused by just being "more intense". If you
want specific instructions on how a man can
help you get there, click the link below.
Meanwhile, if you are having multiple orgasms
and "wicked" orgasms, you are way ahead of most
women.
I only hope that you are enjoying the amazing
beauty that you ARE experiencing during sex and
not obsessing over what might be missing...
That would be a shame. Because then you really
would be missing something, and it isn't the
squirting.
***QUESTION***
Hi Alex,
My fantasy, for many years, has been to be tied up
by my man - but either I don't meet the right guys,
or they don't go that route with me for whatever
reason. The few times I have broached it as a joke,
I don't get the sort of response that makes me
think he's into it. I'm 40! I've never fully
satisfied that fantasy!!!
I think I may be broaching it the wrong way,
because apparently there are many people who enjoy
it.
How do you suggest I bring it up?
Anonymous
>>>MY COMMENTS:
First let's look at the reason that so many
women enjoy this fantasy...
It's not the ropes and handcuffs that are
sexy, nor is it the desire to be abused or
punished that generally fires this fantasy in so
many women...
It is the desire to be DOMINATED.
Women crave a man who can master them. This
is partly some kind of instinct from an earlier
time, party the normal feminine arousal for
masculine strength, partly the desire for "sex
roles".
By sex roles, I mean the DIFFERENCE between
men and women. We have become too much the same.
Men and women are of equal VALUE-- but
it's really very obvious that we are not "equal."
Equal means "same", and clearly we are NOT the
SAME... and when we try to be, it takes all the fun
out of it.
Another reason that many women fantasize about
being tied up is that they can fully let go of
their inhibitions because "it's not their fault."
For many women-- even the most liberal,
progressive, open-minded women, it's difficult
to just completely release themselves into sexual
pleasure because there is still the "guilt" of
being a "bad girl" for letting it happen.
Being tied up removes that barrier.
So, okay, I've convinced you that wanting to
be tied up is pretty common for women... but your
question is, how to get a GUY to want to do it.
The funny thing is, far fewer men are into
this fantasy than women. Or, if they are into
it, it's harder for them to admit.
Men have learned to be ashamed of many of their
more masculine traits. We were told not to make
too much noise in school, no fighting, and, most
of all, you have to be "nice" to girls.
And it's hard for men to wrap their brains
around the idea that "tying up" could ever be
nice.
Plus, the more a man likes you, the more he
will feel awkward about doing something that seems,
on the surface, demeaning to you.
So what's a girl to do?
Fortunately, it's easier than you think...
You've just got to ease them into it instead
of just springing it on them all at once.
Showing up on a date with a bunch of rope is
weird. And that's why you've been making a joke
out of it.
Slow down.
Start by telling him that you want him to hold
your wrists down during sex. Tell you him it
feels good to feel his strength and you like
having something to struggle against.
Struggle a bit (don't emasculate him by
actually escaping... you want it to be fun for
him too!)
Make the kinds of sounds that let him know
that it really turned you on.
Tell him afterwards that it was really hot.
Men, like all creatures, like positive
reinforcement.
Then, if he seems to like it too (he probably
will), build the fantasy for him.
DON'T make it a joke. That feels like a trap
to a guy. He doesn't want to admit to having
these feelings either. He LIKES you. He wants
you to think he's a gentleman.
Tell him outright that it makes you really
wet to fantasize about him tying you down so that
no matter how much you struggled, you would be
helpless... that he could do anything he wanted
to you... and you'd be helpless.
Tell him this in bed or some other sexually
charged moment-- that is, when his ANIMAL brain
is engaged-- it's NOT good coffee conversation
when his intellectual brain is engaged.
Tell him in a way that makes him hard just
thinking about it.
He'll show up the next weekend with the
proper hardware and props.
***QUESTION***
Hi
Firstly let me say how much I admire you for being
such an unselfish loving person (after the types
of men I have experienced I didn't think people
like you existed). I will try to keep this as
short as possible but I think you will need some
detail in order to help me.
I am female and I am not sure whether I am having
orgasms or not. People tell me 'You'd know if you'd
had one' but I have lots of different sexual feelings
that I find hard to describe. And sometimes I feel
like I'm satisfied but there wasn't any massive
explosion or anything and other times I feel really
intense amazing things but again no actual explosion.
I have always been a very sexual person from the age
of 3 I think I started experimenting, but I don't
get much out of doing things to myself and I have
even tried vibrators but I find it really boring
(even though I have a high sex drive).
I have not been too lucky with men, nealy all of
them have been extremely selfish and had no
interest in pleasing me and if I'm lucky I would
get 30 seconds of penetration then they ejaculate
(no foreplay apart from me giving it to them)! Two
of these relationships lasted a long time (3 years
and 9 years).
I have met someone who I wasn't that attracted to
at first (he is no particular oil painting) we were
just friends but things slowly grew and I started
to get ridiculously wet in his presence just
sitting next to him. Things went further and it
turned out he is the most attentive, giving lover
I have ever met. He will do anything for me in
the bedroom and really pays attention to every
sound and movement I make. I am addicted to him
but I still am not sure if I'm having orgasms - I
shake for ages, have intense tingly numb fellings,
and muscle contractions but I don't actually feel
an explosion. After the contractions I feel
satisfied but they arn't what I imagined orgasm to
be like. The shaking can go on for half an hour
and the tingly throbbing feelings can go on for 30
seconds at a time then start again in another
minute or two. I am happy with my sex life now
but it's really bugging me as to whether I am
actually having orgasms or just on the edge.
Because I do feel like there's more that could
happen like I am on the edge but even though I am
now lucky enough to be with this guy (and I can't
see what else he can do he is amazing) it still
bugs me the not really knowing.
Do I sound crazy?
>>>MY COMMENTS:
Yes, you sound crazy.
But I think the real question you mean to be
asking is, are you experiencing orgasms?
The first thing you have to understand is that
women experience at least 4 DIFFERENT types of
orgasms-- and that some women only experience
1 or 2 types, and only a very few experience all
of them.
The 3 most common types are the clitoral orgasm,
the g-spot orgasm, and the cervical orgasm...
Are you experiencing one of these?
Well, there are some clues, but in the end, it
is like describing the color red to a blind man.
In other words, there is no way to be sure you're
on the same page.
But I believe you are.
You are getting a lot of pleasure... you are
shaking and feeling contractions...
The "no explosion", to me, might mean that they
just come on more gradually for you, rather than
suddenly.
And PROBABLY they are not clitoral orgasms
because you don't get pleasure from a vibrator...
but that's by no means definite.
I'm guessing that you're getting cervical
orgasms from intercourse.
So what might be fun for you to try is to
see if your lover can give you g-spot orgasms.
The g-spot is very difficult to get to on your
own, so you'll want his help.
When you are very aroused, after lots of
fooling around or love-making, have him insert
one or two fingers inside of you with his palm
facing up. Then have him make a "come here"
motion, stroking the top wall of the vagina with
the pads of his fingers.
Maybe you can experience a whole new type of
orgasm.
But either way, remember that the BEST PART of
sex is not the orgasm. Especially if you have
found a partner that you truly love and connect
with.
If you want to try something even more powerful,
just hold eye contact with him while you are
making love. Just gaze into each others eyes for
as long as you can take it. You will be amazed
by the powerful feelings you will experience.
***QUESTION***
Hi I know this is to please women but since my
boyfriend doesn't please me, and I've found your
emails would be helpful to him, I don't know what
to do.
I love him (we've been going out for almost a year,
7 months) and I want to both be able to please him
and have him please me. I have never been very
confident about my body especially my private
parts, I believe that even when he says I'm
beautiful he is lying just to make me feel better.
I know this isn't always the case and I've tried
everything to not be shy and to believe he loves
my body for how it is, but since I don't like it
(even though I know how to please it) I don't
believe he could. What can I do? How can I make it
so he is aware of what I want? It would be too
embarrassing to discuss it, but I don't know any
other way, our relationship has been going
down-hill for a while now, about 2-3 months and
I'm scared that it's because I'm not pleasing him.
We barely have good conversations (in which we
aren't arguing), we don't kiss or hug, nor are we
sexually active, but I want to be pleased, I need
to be pleased, and I need to let him know, instead
of just saying that I love him, to show him that
I love him. Can you please help me?
I know that your tips are for men pleasing women
but I am desperate and I have run out of ideas.
Yours Sincerely;
E.R.
>>>MY COMMENTS:
You are right to be worried, and it sounds
like you are in a very difficult position.
It is a very bad sign in a relationship when
the sex is not working-- and if you are not even
kissing and hugging, there is something terribly
wrong.
I can't say for sure exactly what is going
wrong in your relationship-- and often these
things are very complex and many things go wrong
at once.
This much is true:
If the sex is not working, it can CAUSE the
relationship to fall apart in all of the other
areas...
And if things are falling apart in other areas,
usually it will cause the sex to stop working.
It sounds like you believe your situation might
be the first one-- that your sexual problems are
ruining the rest of the relationship.
If your negative body image is making it "too
embarrassing to discuss" your sexual needs and
issues, then, indeed, not only is your
relationship in grave danger-- so is your NEXT
relationship.
Most women in our society have negative body
images, and to some extent, who can blame them?
Women (and men) are bombarded with images of
the top .01% of the most beautiful women in the
world CONSTANTLY, because big-business has
discovered the cash value in showing these women
off to sell stuff and entertain us.
A hundred years ago a man might encounter a
women of such beauty perhaps twice in his life.
But now, thanks to the population of cities and
the incredible power of the photograph, the video,
the MEDIA, we see them MANY TIMES EVERY DAY...
And frequently we see them naked or nearly
naked.
It's a tough act for normal women to follow...
But it gets WORSE.
Because these images aren't even real women!
They are digitally enhanced and perfected far past
anything that could possibly be real. Every
imperfection is zapped away and smoothed over,
and even the color of their eyes is enhanced to
blazing brightness.
So, you look in the mirror, and you don't like
yourself.
And then you feel awkward in bed. You feel
like you don't look good enough, feel good enough,
smell good enough.
Yet, your man IS attracted to you. The
erection does not lie.
And MORE IMPORTANTLY, perhaps he is seeing
your INNER beauty. Which is FAR MORE IMPORTANT.
But you are ruining that with YOUR INABILITY
TO LOVE YOURSELF.
So, to be clear, this is something that you
MUST get over in order to live a happy life--
either with this man or any other.
This is something you MUST do for yourself, and
the sooner you get started the better.
Here are some things you should consider doing:
1) Get yourself into therapy with a psychologist
who SPECIALIZES IN THESE ISSUES
2) Work with an hypno-therapist or NLP
practitioner to build your self-esteem
3) Yoga. You will much about non-judgment and
self-acceptence from this ancient practice.
4) Do some "self-help" by reading up on women's
body image issues. I recommend you check out my
friend Andrea's book on the subject at:
www.AndreasAnswer.com
In fact, you should probably do ALL of them.
And please, talk to your man. Tell him that
you have these body image problems but that you
want to try to fix it. You have nothing to lose...
from what you write, your relationship is dying.
Do it now, before it's too late. And if it is
already too late, then at least you tried, and
you will have learned powerful lessons that will
help you find happiness in your next relationship.
***QUESTION***
My husband and I have been married for two years.
In that two years we have had two kids. Haveing
kids right off has put a strain on our love life.
We are also 21 years apart in age. My question is
from the first time we made love my husband
introduced a vibrator. I was a virgin and I
enjoyed the vibrator very much. I think he
introduced the vibrator right off because he has
been married before and they used a vibrator
frequently. Well since our first time together
the vibrator has been used almost every time. I
can't come without it. I have tried. He can last
for a half hour it doesn't matter. I can't come
without the vibrator. Because of the age difference
he gets a horrible back ache if he lays on me while
we make love. Therefore he likes to position
himself kneeling in front of me while he penetrates.
Can a woman ever come this way?
He has been such a wonderful husband,and has been
by my side through thick and thin. I just feel
like I am less of a woman because I cant come with
him alone. I can come with him fingering me. I
just cannot or have never come with penetration.
>>>MY RESPONSE:
You have nothing to worry about.
First of all, many women can't have an orgasm
with their husband AT ALL.
Second, many women who CAN have orgasms with
their husbands, still can't have orgasms from normal
intercourse. So there is nothing unusual about
this situation.
Third, I'm fairly certain that, based on what
you've written, you CAN.
You asked if a woman can have an orgasm with
the man kneeling in front of her?
Yes. In fact, many women report that this is
one of their favorite positions because it forces
the penis upwards towards the g-spot.
Another position that might work well for both
you and your husband's back is to have him stand
at the end of the bed and have you lie at the
very edge. Of course, the bed needs to be the
right height, but he can spread his legs wider
or narrower to compensate a bit, so it need not
be exact.
The reason that I recommend this position is
that it will also make it easy for him to use
his thumb or fingers on your clitoris while you
are making love. Since you said he can bring you
to orgasm with his fingers, this may be a great
way for you both to get a lot of pleasure.
If your bed is very low, you might even
try kneeling on the end of the bed and he can
enter you from behind while standing.
Finally, it is very common for women who use
their vibrators too often to find themselves
unable to come without them.
The great news is that this is completely
reversible-- but it takes time.
You just have to stop using it and only bring
yourself to orgasm the old fashioned way-- with
fingers, tongues, or his penis.
Yes, it will take much longer. Yes, in the
beginning it may even be impossible-- but after
a few weeks, your normal sexual sensitivity will
return.
Then, if you feel like it, you can re-introduce
the vibrator OCCASIONALLY...
Or not. You may find you like the "natural"
way better. Even if it does take longer. Some
things are worth the wait.
And, um, obviously, if you want to REALLY
improve his skills so that he has absolutely no
need of the vibrator, why not just go ahead and
download a copy of my book for him?
You'll discover that there are many more powerful
ways to increase your pleasure than just "positions"
and "toys"... and have more intense orgasms than
you ever thought possible.
LINK
***QUESTION***
Hi Alex--You sent this email (Here's What Really
Turns Her On) to me, a woman who just had another
go-round with her hubby (whom I love dearly) last
night about our inability to connect in bed...
and what you are writing makes a lot of sense.
Although it doesn't describe our situation to a
"T", it does comes close and I am wondering if you
could send the email to him, w/o letting him know
I asked you to do that? Geez, this is wierd, but
I hope you can do that.
Thanks,E.
>>>MY COMMENTS:
Hey there, I'm really sorry to hear that you
and your husband are having difficulties-- and
I'm very, very pleased that you are here trying
to DO something about it, and have not given up
on it.
Marriage is a big deal, and given that you are
trying, yours sounds like it's worth fighting for.
Unfortunately, I can't send my newsletters to
ANYONE who does not specifically subscribe to
them himself...
It is part of my own ethical standards to never
invade anyone's privacy, sell, rent, or abuse
their confidential information EVER.
I believe I can help, but you've got to meet
me half way.
He's your husband, and I hope that means that
he's also your best friend. And I KNOW what a
hugely sensitive issue this can be, but... TALK
to him.
Be gentle, loving, caring, and ask him for his
help. Tell him that you need his strength and
his patience as a best friend. Make him
understand that being good at sex is not part of
what makes a man a man-- it is not a macho self-
image thing...
Also, make him understand that it is a part
of communication. And that communication is an
skill that couples must learn and evolve TOGETHER.
Like learning to parallel park a car-- it is not
something we are born with, but it is something
that we can learn.
If he is willing, you should, together,
download my eBook. Read the "Couple's Guide"
that comes with the book FIRST.
And try to approach the whole thing with a
playful attitude of a fun project to work on
together-- don't make it a big, stress thing.
Get started right here:
CLICK HERE NOW
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