|
YOUR Sex Questions From HER Point Of View
I thought I'd have a little fun this week
answering your questions...
I've been getting a LOT of email from women as
well as men, and I thought it would be interesting
to match up questions from guys and girls on the
same issues, like...
- Female orgasm
- How long HE can last
- How to get HER turned on
I think you'll find it really valuable (and
interesting) to see the way men and women look at
the same issues...
So let's get started!
***QUESTION FROM A GUY***
hello! I love reading your newsletter! I have one
question that still bugs me. And i'm sure there's
ALOT of guys out there asking the same thing. I'm
very turned on by my wife. foreplay is great and
fun. But when we have intercourse I only last like
30 sec. I have tried thinking about other things but
come on. I can only think about 1 thing. I have
tried using different kinds of condoms and creams.
Nothing seems to work. Is there anything out there
or something else i can do?? Please help me.
- J.C from MI
***SAME QUESTION FROM A WOMAN***
I have been getting a few emails from you. I am
actually a woman. It has been a long time since my
husband has made me feel good in bed. He is done
very quickly, and I am left with nothing. I know
it embarrasses him, and so I usually have to
finish when he is in the shower. I am tired of
this. I don't feel like he even tries, and I think
it is because he is insecure about it all. I don't
even know how to suggest any of the tips you send.
Sex is a time that we both look forward too, and
dread at the same time. I wish I knew what to do.
We both want it, but not the embarrasment, and
ungratification. Maybe it is me. Maybe he wants to
hurry and get it over with because he doesn't want
to be with me. I don't know. Can you help me to
know what to do?
- K
>>> MY REPLY... TO BOTH
When you're in a relationship with somebody
you care about, premature ejaculation... not
lasting long enough... can be a really painful
and frustrating problem.
It's embarrassing, it's frustrating, nobody
wants to talk about it, and it can be really
hard to figure out what to DO about it.
ALL guys have been there... but what happens
when you're there and just can't seem to get out?
These 2 emails are dynamite because they really
shine a light on exactly how men and women think
differenty about what is going on...
(And I want to thank both of you for having
the courage to write authentically about what
you're experiencing.)
HE's trying different creams and condoms, or
thinking about something else to lower his level
of excitement... in other words, he's looking for
a PHYSICAL solution...
SHE's worried about his feelings of
embarrassment, and, worse, she's worried that
maybe her husband is hurrying through because he's
not enjoying being with her... in other words,
she sees this as an EMOTIONAL situation.
(And they'd both be doing a whole lot better
if they SWAPPED perspectives a bit).
For HIM: Clearly, if you've tried numbing
creams (which prevent you feeling basically
ANYTHING from your penis at all), and they didn't
work, then there is just no way that the problem
is physical AT ALL.
For HER: You're right, he's probably
embarrassed, but he surely is not disinterested
in you... if anything he's TOO attracted to you,
and his ongoing shame that he's not satisfying
you is preventing him (and you) from DEALING with
the problem
So, both of you, a good first step is to start
TALKING about it.
Carefully.
In my experience it's way harder for men to
talk about it than women-- so here's what may
happen...
At FIRST he may be angry and defensive... but
if you are persistent and loving, and if you make
your partner understand that it's not enough to
just "work out the problem"... but that you are
committed to "working it out TOGETHER", then,
after a while..
He'll be RELIEVED.
It's so much harder to both go on pretending
that it isn't there (it's the old story about
two people having a conversation while an elephant
stands in the corner of the room, and both of you
are pretending not to see the elephant)... the
stress of not talking about it makes the problem
10 times worse.
Right now he is off in the shower beating
himself up and feeling inadequate while she
is in bed, lonely and masturbating... and they
could be TOGETHER working on this issue.
And it's important to know that when couples
have a project to work on together, it is BONDING,
and when you accomplish results together, you'll
feel more connected and stronger than ever.
Plus, working on this particular problem can
be FUN once you've gotten over the initial stress
of bringing it out into the open.
If your wife is so hot that she sends you out
of control... well, in some ways that's a very
high quality problem!
Here's some tips to get you started...
1. Make Some Him Only/Her Only Sex Dates
This is a great way to really learn more
about each other's bodies and the way you respond...
Set a time when you will spend an hour or two
doing nothing but pleasuring HIM. Oral, manual,
whole body massage, dance sexy for him... whatever
pleases him.
You can explore what makes him hard, what makes
him lose his erection, what makes him too excited,
what works just right. Just play around with it,
have some fun, see what you learn.
If he ejaculates, give him a nice full-body
massage for 20-30 minutes and then start getting
sexual again. Maybe he'll come again, maybe he
won't. No expectations, no rules... just see
what happens.
Same for her on another night. You may need
a "toy" for penetration, but fingers usually work
fine. It's just about her, so have some fun.
Definitely begin with a nice full-body massage--
getting her relaxed and "in her body" is much
more important for her enjoyment than for a man.
It will make a big difference.
2. Work On Getting Him Out Of His Head(s)
That's not a typo.
You've got to learn to get out of your brain
and out of your other head too.
Trying to distract yourself by thinking about
baseball statistics, or trying to control your
erection by force of will just creates more anxiety.
Anxiety is the enemy.
You've been telling yourself that you've got
a problem in this area for so long that you've
convinced yourself.
There is a rule in Psychology and Neuro-
Linguistic Programming that says: You can't
accomplish anything that you can't first IMAGINE
yourself accomplishing.
In other words, if you just can't even see how
you could ever be the guy that lasts as long as
you want... how will you ever accomplish it?
You've got to believe in yourself and your
ability to do this-- and do it easily. You've got
to be able to clearly visualize yourself as that
man who has total control.
Once you can visualize it clearly...
Then you can begin to take steps to actually
accomplish it.
So for right now-- the brain is the enemy.
Get out of your head(s) and into your body...
and specifically, get into your HEART.
Focus on EMOTIONALLY CONNECTING with each other.
When you begin actual intercourse, go as slow
as you need to, stop if you need to... and work
to NOT think about your cock or your brain...
Work on just building that connection. Hold
eye contact, smile at her, stroke her hair, tell
her EXACTLY how you feel about her, become
completely present in the moment.
This is not only the most EFFECTIVE way to
learn how to control your ejaculation...
It's also, by far, the most rewarding.
3. Buy My Book
I swear, I was about to write a bunch of tips
about breathing exercises and kegel compressions...
but the important stuff is already in tip #1 and
tip #2 above.
The rest is just the details, and getting into
a bunch of specific stuff... and how long can I
really make this reply?
So I'm not copping out here. I really believe
you have the right information already. Now you
have to have the GUTS to actually DO THE WORK.
It's not going to be EASY, but it is absolutely
fixable, 100%. You CAN LEARN to last as long
as you want.
And YES, it's WORTH IT.
So if you want more details, download the eBook
and read it TOGETHER.
If it's embarrassing or if it becomes hard to
read some of the more specific stuff together...
GOOD!
That means that you are opening doors to
communication that will make your entire
relationship more honest and authentic.
You will thank me. I promise.
Now take a deep breath, get ready for some
difficult drama... and go TALK to your partner.
***QUESTION FROM A GUY***
hello, i have been married for about 2 years now,
and we have a 14 month old son, and i had a couple
questions. how much of circadium rhythm plays into
a womans sex drive? its seems as if i am always
picking the wrong time... and missing the right
times. the other question is how do i build up HER
CONFIDENCE???? she is always self concious about
her legs, or her tummy etc,--- basically I think
she is drop dead gorgeous, and its kind of
frustrating when i see her voicing her own
disapproval and i just know that cant be putting
her in the mood. any advice on how i might make a
more lasting impression on her self-image, thus
our sex life?
- J
***QUESTION FROM A GIRL***
Hi Alex, I love your emails. All my questions
are answered by them except one. Well my boyfriend
and I (i am a girl) have a problem. He loves to
have sex, and so do I but I don't get easily
aroused. Another thing is that I rarely ever want
to have sex. Also, sometimes when he tries to
arouse me I don't even get aroused, even though I
would love to be. And when he is ready to have
sex, I'm not even close! Can you help me out? Do
I have a problem or is this something that happens
to every women? Please please please help me out!
- Thanks, K
>>>MY REPLIES...
Well, the common wisdom is that even though
women love sex just as much as men (or more),
they generally want it less often.
But I don't think that's completely true.
Women just have a very different way of getting
aroused than men do, and that can get frustrating
at times because, as humans, we always want our
lover to be on the same wavelength as we are.
A wise friend of mine said (and he may have
read it somewhere else) that for men, getting
turned on is like a switch - it's off and then
it's switched on...
But for women it is more like a volume dial...
it gets turned on gradually.
Now J who asked this question is very smart
about women and sex and already understands this
stuff very well, because he's already figured out
that HER CONFIDENCE and her body image play a
huge part in her sexual arousal.
A woman can't feel "sexual" if she doesn't
feel "sexy".
So my quick answer is-- if you think she is
"drop dead gorgeous"... are you telling HER
that?
My guess is that the answer is, "yes", but...
are you telling her throughout the day, not just
when she complains that she doesn't like her body?
And not just when you are in the mood for sex?
It's important that you tell her spontaneously
...like when the sun comes through the window
and hits her hair when she's doing the breakfast
dishes... just whenever it strikes you.
This is more convincing and has a bigger effect
on her subconscious mind than just telling her
when she is complaining or when you want something.
Already doing that?
Okay, here's the next step... are you telling
her WITH YOUR BODY.
Men reason more with our heads, and women
more with their hearts. Sometimes words do not
mean as much to them as "kinesthetic" communication...
Communicating with TOUCH and body language.
Here's what I mean:
Imagine the example I used above. She's
doing the breakfast dishes in her ratty old
bathrobe and not feeling very attractive at all.
But the sun is coming through the window and
lighting her hair and you think she is just
gorgeous at that moment.
Instead of just saying so, you loop your arms
around her waist from behind, slowly run your
face through her hair, smelling it, taking it in,
then whisper in ear that you think she is beautiful,
kiss her on the neck, and then go back to doing what
you were doing.
Or... you just look into her eyes with a little
smile until she starts to laugh and says, "what?!"
And then you run your fingers through her hair
and tell her the same thing.
These body language clues (eye contact, smelling
her), and the touching (arms around her waist,
kissing her neck, stroking her hair) are all
ways in which you not only communicate your words,
but you communicate their TRUTH to a woman.
Also, stop responding when she complains
about her body. Just pretend you never heard it.
By denying it, you are, in a way, validating the
power of her words.
So, back to our girl's question, because here
is where we come together on this...
She says she loves sex... but that she's not
in the mood when he is.
And the answer is to take more time with
foreplay... but not the way you probably think
about foreplay right now.
I wrote a short booklet called "How To Initiate
Sex" that I include as a free bonus when you do the
free try-out of my eBook.
And in it, I REDEFINE the word "foreplay",
because I think most people are doing it wrong.
Foreplay to most people means: the sexual
touching that happens before intercourse...
And to me, that is actually part of the sex.
In fact, that kind of touching can happen
before, as a break in the middle, and for a long
time after intercourse. It is most definitely
a PART of the entire sexual act in my mind.
Foreplay is what happens BEFORE the touching...
beFORE the PLAY. It's the seduction.
Just kissing and rubbing her breasts is not
the way to get a woman turned on.
The proper way to get her turned on is with
ANTICIPATION.
It is about the words, the touches, the gestures
you make BEFORE you get to the bedroom that get
her EMOTIONALLY ready for sexual touching.
We say that she needs to be "in the MOOD", and
doesn't that mean EMOTIONALLY?
And isn't it possible to change someone's mood?
Of course.
And, if you think about it, why would someone
EVER be in the mood for sex after a stressful
day, with so many other things to think about?
The mood must be BUILT or CREATED.
It can be a long journey from "stressed" to
"in the mood for love making".
The easiest shortcut is to give her a nice
massage.
Massage is a great transition from "stressed"
to "relaxed and enjoying the feelings in my
body."
It is only a short extra step from "relaxed
and enjoying the feelings in my body" to "turned
on."
But better is to communicate with her using
YOUR BODY, to make her FEEL sexy.
And you can start doing this literally HOURS
before you get into the bedroom...
In fact, in that book on "Initiating Sex" I
was telling you about, I talk about an idea I call
"All Day Foreplay."
And it's exactly that-- it's doing little
things throughout the day to make her feel sexy,
to make her feel anticipation for when you can
finally start tearing each other's clothing off.
Then you can stop worrying about whether SHE
is in the mood at the same time that HE is in the
mood...
Instead you should focus on CREATING the mood,
for BOTH of you.
***HIS QUESTION***
Dear ALex well where to start. i have been with
the same women for 11 years are sex life is still
the same. i am a true minute man when we have sex.
i just last 2 minutes but when i masterbate i can
last 5 to 10 if i want. what can i do? she says
when she masterbates with or without toys she can
do it quite fast but it takes forever when we are
together.
- rc
***HER QUESTION***
hi alex. actually i AM a woman who looked at your
website to maybe find a way to have an orgasm with
a man. i can only have them with myself or a toy
of some sort. i love my husband and he makes me
feel really good. i don't think its his fault, i
just think i am missing something. i dont know.
just hoping for a little advice.
thanks, shawna
>>>MY REPLIES:
As you guys have figured out, most women can
come faster when masturbating than with their
partner, and...
Many women can't come at all with their
partner.
This is a heavier and more involved issue than
the ones above, and it is much more related to the
meat of true "Sexual Mastery".
It has to do with building the "Sexual Trust"
that allows her to achieve "Sexual Surrender".
When you have achieved that level of Sexual
Trust, she will be able to have an orgasm very
quickly-- and FAR MORE POWERFULLY than she can
by herself.
>>STEP ONE:
Now, a great first step for both of you is to
have her masturbate to orgasm while you are in
the room. This will...
1) Be a huge turn on for both of you once you get
past the initial nervousness
2) Teach the guy more about how the girl likes
to be touched
3) By being completely positive about the
experience TOGETHER, it begins to build some
comfort and Sexual Trust
>>STEP TWO:
The next step is to have HIM PARTICIPATE when
SHE masturbates.
4 hands are better than 2. A lot of fun can
happen this way, and you can do this for a lot
longer than 2 minutes regardless of your ability
to control your ejaculation.
Experiment with it. Find a lot of fun
positions and angles. Figure out what combinations
and buttons drive her completely insane.
And begin to become a MASTER of her body.
Because this last step is the most important:
>>STEP THREE:
The Man must begin to LEAD the dance.
Women are sexually turned on by CONFIDENCE...
and especially by SEXUAL CONFIDENCE. And learning
and understanding exactly how to give her intense
orgasms whenever you want to is what leads to
Sexual Confidence.
The more a man leads, the more a woman will
surrender.
Unfortunately, the reverse is true as well--
the more a man is tentative, unsure of himself,
and anxious, the harder it will be for her to
surrender.
It is in the act of surrender that incredible
intimacy and trust is built between a couple. And
it is that emotional trust and intimacy that lets
a man unlock a woman's sexual potential and give
her orgasms that she is not even aware that she is
capable of.
Building the Sexual Confidence to begin taking
the LEAD in the bedroom will also change your
ability to last longer during intercourse.
Work on the 3-steps above. Given some time,
this will not only WORK... it will be a lot of
fun and something you both begin to look forward
to as it makes sex more about "fun" and less about
"stress".
When you're making some progress and you're
ready to take the next step, you know what to do...
Get your copy of my online eBook, Revolutionary
Sex, and start taking things to the next level!.
CLICK HERE NOW
|