***QUESTION FROM A WOMAN***

hi alex. actually i AM a woman who looked at your
website to maybe find a way to have an orgasm with
a man. i can only have them with myself or a toy of
some sort. i love my husband and he makes me feel
really good. i don't think its his fault, i just
think i am missing something. i dont know. just
hoping for a little advice. thanks

          - s.

>>>MY REPLY:

   No trouble... but first I have a question for
you...

   When you say you can orgasm with a toy, are
you talking about a VIBRATING toy?

   I you are, then the solution is simple, but a
bit painful--

   You've got to stop using the toy.

   Unfortunately, men cannot vibrate at 500 cycles
per second and since that's what your body has
become accustomed to, that's what you need.

   But the good news is that if you stop using the
vibrator and only use your fingers when you are
alone... and keep making love with your husband,
you will eventually break your addiction to the
toy and begin having orgasms without it.

   Be patient, it may take a few weeks.

   If, on the other hand, you are not using a
vibrator, but still only orgasm when you are
alone, then the issue is not how he is touching
your body, but how is touching your heart and
mind.

   That's right, the solution is an emotional
one.

   Here's a quick fix that might work for you...
It may sound a little kooky, but I promise,
it's much more powerful than it sounds...

   Before you make love, hold each other close
and stare into each other's eyes for 5 full
minutes. 

   Warning!  This is going to be HARD.

   You may find yourself hysterically laughing or
even crying.  Just stick with it.

   Keep doing that before you make love.  It may
do the trick of allowing you to be totally
vulnerable with your husband. 

   And once you can do that, you will find that
he can make you orgasm much FASTER than your
toy.

   If you need more help, there is tons more
information on exactly this subject in my book.

   Buy it for him.  Talking about the fact
that you bought it for him, though it may be hard
at first, is also a great intimacy builder.  It's
in defeating our challenges together that we grow. 

   Growing together is one of the great experiences
of marriage.


***QUESTION FROM A GUY WITH THE SAME ISSUE***

Hi Alex, Me and my girl friend have been having sex
for about 7-8 months now. I can give her 8 orgasms
without even trying but I my self can never get one.
She trys really hard and I am definitely attracted to
her so I don't understand why I never get one. I can
stay hard for as long as she wants and it does feel
good but never like a orgasm or anything my other
girl friends never made me either. What can I do
to make my self reach an orgasm? Thanks,

          - D.


>>>MY REPLY:

   Same problem from the other direction, huh?

   No worries, I've got you covered.  And like I
told the woman above, the solution is simple but
a bit painful--

   I'm surprised I don't have more guys writing
in with this one.  I've been hearing it more and
more often from guys I know...

   And it's something I never heard before from
guys in my generation... I'm guessing now that
you are under 28...

   And therefore, you grew up on 'net porn.

   So just like no man can compete with a
vibrator in terms of sensation-- no woman can be
as tight as your fist.

   And more than that, the modern age of super-
porn... everything you can imagine, every type
of girl doing every type of thing... just exactly
as you learn to like it...

   Real women have this annoying habit of not
doing EXACTLY what is in your head.  And that can
interrupt your now habitual path towards orgasm.

   By now you know what I'm going to tell you to
do.

   No more porn, and "ban the hand".

   If you stop watching porn (completely!) and
don't masturbate, within a few weeks you will be
having natural orgasmS with your girlfriend.

   Not only that, you will enjoy it WAY more than
you enjoy porn.  Trust me.

   Can you NEVER masturbate again? 

   I don't know.  Wait and see.  You might be
able to re-introduce it once in a while.  But
you will be a much happier and well balanced man
in all aspects of your life if you spend your
sexual energy on your woman instead of your
computer.



***QUESTION***

hey man thanks for the advice but my problem is
that when she is about to get off she tells me to
stop becouse the room is spinning and she cant take
it she also says that it starts to burn. thanks

          - c.


>>>MY REPLY:

   Okay, so you know that point where she tells
you to stop?

   Well that's exactly when you have to keep
going to make her have an orgasm.  Those feelings
she is having are an indication that she is about
to come...

   The problem is... you can't keep going if she
keeps telling you to stop.

   The solution:  Sexual Trust.

   She has got to trust YOU more than she trusts
HER SELF when it comes to her sexual response.

   When that happens she will sexually surrender
herself to you, and instead of tensing up, she
will just relax into it and let you do what you do
best...

   That burning sensation she talks about is
almost certainly caused by "vaginitis".  And that
is caused by her feelings of anxiety as she
approaches the point where she will lose control.

   This isn't something you can just force her
past (that will make it worse), and you can't
"talk her out of it" (that will make it worse
too.)

   You have to earn her sexual trust with your
confidence, your touch, and your competence.
  


***QUESTION***

   Okay, Basically my girlfriend and I are thinking
about having sex soon the only thing is she is still
a virgin. Alex, Do you have any tips at all for
making it hurt less for her. The last thing I want
to do is hurt her in anyway especially in the
bedroom her first time. Thanks a ton Alex.
          - S


>>>MY REPLY:

   Relax man, you'll both be fine.

   Listen to your old uncle Alex...

   Many things in life hurt a bit.  And
fortunately, a little pain can't kill you. 

   As it turns out, pain is the admission fee to
many of life's pleasures.

   She may experience a little pain. Get her
really turned on first by teasing and teasing for
a long time, and she'll hardly even notice.

   But the main thing to worry about isn't
hurting her body... it's hurting her heart.

   Just be nice to her.  Be patient (with yourself
too).   Have a sense of humor if things go
differently than you expect.  Smile at her a lot.

   And hold her for a long, long time afterwards.

   Do that, and she'll always remember her first
time as one of the great experiences of her life.

   Oh, yeah, and USE PROTECTION.  If she thinks
losing her virginity hurts, wait until she finds
out how much pain there is giving birth!

   Hope you guys have a sweet time together.



***QUESTION***

Hey Alex, I want to give my girlfriend some oral
sex but I fear the taste and smell. What do I do?
I really would love to please her and I don't want
my inadequacies to get in the way. Is there
anything I can do to omit the taste and/or smell of
her vagina? Do you have any tips? Please Help!!

          -E


>>>MY REPLY:

   Have her take a shower right before sex.

   Other than that...

   Well, most men really LIKE that smell... but
I understand that there's a big group of men out
there that really don't enjoy giving oral.

   Generally speaking, the smell of fresh body
fluids is not unpleasant... it's only when they
sit for a while and bacteria begins to grow that
people begin to smell...

   You may have noticed that you smell much worse
a few hours AFTER you work out, then when you are
actually sweating.

   So if she does not smell good to you after a
shower, there's a good chance that something is
wrong down there.  Have her set up an appointment
with her gynecologist.



***QUESTION***

Hi Alex, I have some questions for you about my
sister... I alread sent her the site where she
could buy your book. However, she said that if she
told her husband about it it would make him very
insecure. She was a virgin when she married.
However her husband was not. He had four close
relationships before her. Everyone of his girl
friend cheated on him... I think this has alot to
do with his relationship with my sister.

In the begining she said they has sex often and
he wanted to try new positions... After my sister
got pregnant his sex drive changed... Since the baby
was born which has been a year ago now he still
isn't showing any interest. She told me she is
lucky if they have sex once a month... When they
finally make love he lasts two minutes at the most.
My sister rarely has an orgasim.

She has started using a vibrator by herself to keep
her needs met. She has thrown away all her lingerie
because he didn't like her wearing it. I told her
she should start using the vibrator when their
together so they could feel some kind of connection.
She replied that he is offened that she uses the
vibrator, and he gets mad that she is using it at
all.

He has told my sister that making love to her is
boring because she doesn't do anything. Since then
she has bought countless books on the internet to
find out how she should move in bed. This hasn't
worked. Since she has been with him she has become
very insecure. She has started dressing way too
revealing, and she regrets staying a virgin until
marriage. She believes that if she would have
slept with other partners she would be better in
bed. I have told her this is not true...

PLEASE,PLEASE, PLEASE....Something has to be done
for my sister. And I don't know what to do. Your
advice would be highly appreciated. sincerely,

          - EO


>>>MY REPLY:

   I can hear your frustration, man, and I know
what it's like when you want to help someone you
love... and it seems like there's just nothing
you can do.

   There's a lot of complex issues here, but the
main thing that your sister MUST understand, is
that SHE is not the problem.  HE is.

   It is very common for men to lose their sexual
attraction for their wife after she becomes
pregnant (sometimes this happens even sooner--
right after they get married). 

   Here's what's going on...

   He STOPS thinking of her as his "hot sex
kitten"... and starts thinking of her as the
"mother of his child".

   There's all sorts of complex emotions involved
in the way we think of "mothers" in general, but
at the most basic level, the sexual blueprint
in some men's heads... the things that turn them
on... has to do with being "naughty".  Sex is
"forbidden" and "bad" and that's part of what
makes it fun.

   The nurturing and protective feelings he has
when he thinks of her as the mother of his child
just completely short circuits his sex drive.  It
seems wrong to him emotionally to want to do
something "dirty" with the new "mommy".

   The other bad stuff flows from this. 

   He may not even be aware why sex with his wife
suddenly seems wrong... or even repulsive.  He
becomes insecure about his sex drive.  That makes
him angry and jealous.

   Her dressing sexy makes it worse.  In his
mind, mommies shouldn't do that.

   Him saying that she isn't good in bed is just
his insecurities lashing out.  Of course it has
less than nothing to do with it.

   Couples counseling might help-- but he'd have
to agree to it.  And that would mean admitting
that something is wrong.  And that may be very
hard for such an insecure guy.

   Bottom line:

   The first thing she's got to do is STOP being
insecure about this and realize that she is not
doing ANYTHING wrong.

   After that she's got some choices to make.

   Obviously I think she should TALK to him and
try to get him to seek counseling with her.

   For what it's worth, my book would USELESS to
him, because he hasn't admitted that he has a
problem yet. 

   If he agrees to a couple of counseling sessions,
then MAYBE my book is a good idea.  "The Couple's
Guide" that comes with it as a bonus book, speaks
directly to this issue... 

   Ultimately he may learn to make love at a
deeper level and find that his sex drive can be
triggered by other, more powerful things...
But he is going to have to be completely on board
or it's a waste of time and money.

   But like I said, first she's going to have to
have some very difficult conversations with him.

   And he is going to be angry... at least at
first... and he may say some hurtful things to
protect his ego.

   And then, ultimately, she must decide if it
is worth pushing... or if it is better to save the
harmony in the marriage for the sake of their
daughter.

   This is a terrible decision to make, but many
wives and mothers have decided to do exactly this,
and it sounds like your sister is on that path.

   Often couples who make the decision to "save
the marriage for the children" can cooperate
happily as friends but secretly seek sexual
gratification outside of the marriage. 

   Nobody's idea of an ideal relationship, but
that is just the truth for some couples.

   Remember, my friend, she is an adult.  And much
as you want to "save" her, in the end, it is HER
life, and her decision.

   You can advise... but in the end, you have to
respect her decisions, and just be there to
comfort her when she needs it.  Half the marriages
in today's world fail... and hers is on some very
rocky ground.

   Meanwhile, because she was a virgin and he
wasn't, he is the "expert" and so she believes him
when he says it's her fault.

   Again:  It's not.

   If she stays true to herself, and she takes
back the confidence that he has taken from her,
then she may have the power to convince him that
he is wrong, and that their marriage is worth
saving, and worth healing.

   Send her my best wishes for courage and luck.

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