***QUESTION***

Hi Alex,

I have question. I'm a woman and I just want to
know, how can you tell if you've orgasmed? I've
asked many of my friends and none of them can
actually tell me if they have and what it felt
like so I would know if I'm doing it. It seems
like I might be doing one right and the other
wrong. I use a vibrator when I'm alone and it
feels really good and all and it's like just
suddenly my vagina starts to spasm and it's the
most incredible feeling I get. This happens when
the vibrator is touching just above my clit. And
the other times, when it's inside me, I get this
sensation like I have to pee. I totally don't have
a clue what's going and which is an acutal orgasm
if I'm having one at all. Please, I hope you can
help clear this up for me.

    -H.J. from FL



>>>MY REPLY:

   Well... It sure sounds like an orgasm to me...

   The thing that really strikes me about your
question is that none of your friends could tell
you if THEY'VE actually had an orgasm.

   NONE of them?

   That's really interesting to me.

   Philosophers grapple with the question of how
you can describe a color to a man who has been
blind from birth.

   How would you go about it?  What words would
you use to explain "green" or "red" to someone
who has no frame of reference for the different
colors?

   And that raises the question of whether two
people, say, you and me, really see these colors
the same way inside our heads. 

   Describing an orgasm might be difficult for
the same reason.  Maybe women experience them
differently?

   That said... when you hold a vibrator just
above your clitoris and your "vagina starts to
spasm and it's the most incredible feeling"...

   Well, that sounds like a very good description
of an orgasm.

   When you hold it inside you say that you get
the feeling that you have to pee...

   Well, that does not sound like an orgasm,
but it DOES sound like what a lot of women
describe as the feeling right BEFORE they have
a deep orgasm.

   That feeling that you have to pee come from
the intra-urethral glands filling with fluid.

   This happens during intense sexual stimulation
and it's these glands that are responsible for
the sensations you get when you touch the g-spot.

   It is also where female ejaculation comes from.

   So chances are, if you continue experimenting
with this stimulation (and especially if you
touch your clitoris at the same time), and allow
yourself to relax into it (don't worry, you
won't pee), you will probably have a powerful
orgasm... and may experience female ejaculation.

   That'll be another thing that you get to
describe as "the most incredible feeling". 


***QUESTION***

my girlfriend gets orgasms but she only comes
when i go down on her i want to know how i can
change that alex, and is it me or her.
ure emails have helped alot shes alot more satisfied
an worn out an havin shivers when iam finished so i
am thankin u so very much 4 showin me dat i always
had it inside THANKS!


>>>MY REPLY:

   You're welcome!

   i'm glad dat you guys ar havin so much fun
2gether. 

   It sounds like great sex to me and I think
you'll be able to start giving her orgasms
during intercourse very soon.

   But first things first...  It's not you or
her that is preventing her from having an orgasm
during penetration.  That's just wrong thinking.
It's nobody's "fault" because there is nothing
"wrong". 

   It's very normal for women to have orgasms
more easily from clitoral stimulation than from
inside the vagina.  And oral seems to be one of
the best ways of giving women clitoral stimulation.

   Here's 2 things you can do to help transition
to her experiencing vaginal orgasms as well.

   1) When you are going down on her, insert a
finger or two and stroke along the top wall of
her vagina. 

   If you find a place that feels good for her
(pay attention to her body and her breathing and
you'll know when you've found the spot), keep
a nice rhythm on that spot.

   That will begin to train her body to feel
internal vaginal pleasure. 

   Experiment with stopping the tongue motion
while you are doing this, and see how it feels
for her.  Then you can start it again to finish
her off. 

   Eventually she will get this pleasure linked
up with something inside of her and she'll get
more out of it when you are making love.

  2)  Use your fingers on her clitoris when you
are inside of her.

   If she has clitoral orgasms more easily and
you want her to come during intercourse, this
is an easy solution. 

   There are many positions where it's easy to
get to her clit while you are having sex.

   Try laying her on the edge of the bed while
you are standing up between her legs, or have
her lie on her belly with your hands beneath her
and enter her from behind... or anything else
you want to play around with.

   Then it's easy for you (or her) to give her
clitoral stimulation at the same time.

   But most of all-- don't focus on what you she
CAN'T do.  It sounds like you guys are having
very satisfying sex right now.  Focus on all
the great stuff you're sharing.


***SAME QUESTION FROM A WOMAN'S PERSPECTIVE***

Hi Alex,

I am a young woman in her 20's getting a bit
frustrated about her orgasms. I can orgasm fine
when my clitoris is stimulated, by me or my
partner, but not from any form of penetration. I
have tried doing it with vibrators on my own and i
still cant get anywhere close. I get better
sensations from sex, just no orgasm. And when I try
and stimulate my clitoris during sex its like it
goes a bit numb. So pretty much everything works
fine on the 'outside' but the 'inside' seems to be
a bit of a problem. Any advice going?

     - Anonymous from Glasgow, Scotland.


>>>MY REPLY:

   Okay, my first piece of advice is:

   Stop being frustrated by what sounds like very
good sex.

   There are many, many women who can't have
orgasms at all... and many more who can't have an
orgasm with a man (only masturbating).

   So you are already way ahead of the game.  Be
nice to yourself and don't lose sight of the fact
that you and your partner are sharing some great
stuff. 

   It's a shame that you are having all this
sexual pleasure and focusing on some small part
that makes you feel inadequate.

   I think it's GREAT that you want to go further
and learn even more about how you can share even
deeper pleasure in your love making... but make
sure you're not ruining the fun along the way by
focusing on what you DON'T have.

   Okay, so like I mentioned to the guy above,
it is very, very common for women to have orgasms
more easily through clitoral stimulation and
there's nothing wrong with that!

   But in my second tip to him, I mentioned that
you could use a finger on the clit during sex...

   And that is NOT WORKING for you.  (It goes a
bit numb, you said).

   That is also not at all uncommon.  What's
really happening is that it is hard for your
brain to process so much sensation all at once,
so when you are enjoying the feelings of being
filled up (even though it's not making you
orgasm), it shuts off your ability to feel much
else.

   It's kind of like trying to rub your belly
with one hand and pat your head with the other.
Your brain gets confused.

   Have your partner try tip #1 above and start
experimenting with finding your g-spot with his
fingers.  (By the way, this is nearly impossible
to do on your own-- though they do make some
angled toys that can help... it is MUCH easier
with a partner).

   You also want to experiment with changing the
angle of penetration during love making... and
also changing the rhythm. 

   The right rhythm can make a profound difference.
So be a little patient in finding this.

   Then, finally, when you feel like everything
else is right and it feels really good, relax
into it and think about how hot is for HIM.

   By thinking about HIM, the idea is to keep
you really turned on... but NOT thinking about
your own orgasm.  Because putting pressure on it
is the worst thing you can do.

   Just relax and surf the wave of the pleasure
without trying to force it.

   If that doesn't work, the simplest solution
is to just buy your partner my book!

  
***COMMENT***

To Alex,

I can only thank you for your help. My wife and I
were on the verge of Divorce because our sex life
or lack there of, was deplorable. It all started
after giving birth to our little girl.

I just followed your 3 simple steps of teasing her
mind during the day and constantly touching her and
calling her "sexy", and at night I let my hands do
the work. Mate I had her so worked up, she was
begging me to finish the job. I achieved what I
thought was not possible....female ejaculation.
The orgasm she experienced was like no other, now
I find it difficult to keep up, (I created a
monster). If you have any other great tips to blow
the orgasmic barriers I am all ears.

Thank you, from your biggest fan


     - R.S.


>>> MY REPLY:

   Great stuff man.  I am humbled and honored
that you'd give me any credit for holding your
marriage together...

   That fact is, it was YOU that kept your family
in one piece by caring enough to actually do the
work to FIND the right information that worked for
you, and then ACT on that information.

   That takes courage, and it takes love.

   I hope you guys have years and years of
wonderful, connected love making, and a magical
happy marriage that lasts forever.


***QUESTION***

hey alex i don't know what to do-- my girlfriend has
had sex with a couple of different guys just like
most chicks have...and my friends say dont worry it
will be fine just go about your business and do it
if she loves you it should be good for her...but im
a virgin and i dont know if i will be good enough
for her do you have any tips that will help me out
so i don't have to worry about her gettin enough
pleasure...?


     - J.S.


>>>MY REPLY:

   Yeah, I've got some really important tips for
you and I'm glad you wrote in to ask.

   First, your friends are partially right...

   Their advice to not WORRY is really the most
important thing that anyone can tell you.  In
fact, it's so important that I'm going to come
back to it in a minute...

   Their advice that if she loves you it should be
good for her is also right on.

   It is possible that she can love you and still
not have massive orgasms... but it will be
unimportant compared to the great pleasure she
will have to just share pleasure and intimacy
with the man she loves.  She won't care so much
if you can make her come right away.

   But when they say, "just go about your business"
I think they are missing the point a bit.

   It's important that you don't just "masturbate
inside of her"... which is pretty much how most
men have sex. 

   Making love is more than "going about your
business".

   Take your time and go slow, and give yourself
the chance to really connect with her while you
are making love.

   Don't worry so much... in fact... don't worry
AT ALL about whether you're making her come or if
you're doing it at the right speed or hitting her
in the right spot...

   Instead, just focus on that connection.  Kiss
her, look into her eyes.  Stroke her hair. 

   You can also play with position and rhythm and
see what works for her-- but, you know, especially
the first time... it might be over pretty quickly!

   Don't worry.  That's normal.  For the first time,
just connect with her and all will be cool.

   So that's my comments on the advice of your
friends.  Now let's take it a step further.

   Want to be the best lover she's ever had?

   Want to erase the memory of every other guy
that has ever touched her?

   Want to give her the most incredible orgasms
of her life?

   The first step is building "sexual trust" and
it's nearly a sure thing that no guy before you
has come close to doing that.

   And the first step to building that "Sexual
Trust" for you is to do like I said and focus
more on the "connection" than the physical act.

   The second step is build massive sexual
attraction.  I'm talking about the kind of sexual
attraction that leaves her breathless and shaking
for you to touch her.

   What puts a woman into that kind of state?

   Confidence.  Being comfortable in your own
skin.

   When a man has that kind of easy confidence
around sex and his sexuality, it drives women
crazy.

   Your biggest hurdle right now is the mental
place you are in when you write that you, "worry
about her gettin enough pleasure."

   The word "worry" is a big, red, danger sign.

   The best way around it is to be completely
truthful and open with yourself and with her.

   If you haven't told her yet, tell her now that
you are a virgin.

   If you've already lied about that, sit down
and tell the truth, AND tell her why you lied.

   You may have to do some self-reflection on
that one to really figure out your motivations.

   When you are completely honest with her and
with yourself, when you can tell her, "look, I'm
a little nervous about this because it's my first
time and you've got some experience..."

   If you can explain to her that you feel better
when you are in the position of power because you
are the man... because you are used to be stronger
than her...

   And tell her that it is an act of courage and
trust in HER that you are making yourself this
vulnerable in front of her...

   Don't say this in a weak way, like you want
mommy to comfort you... say it in a strong and
matter-of-fact way that tells her that you have
come to terms with your own identity, and you
want to share your self with her honestly. 

   See... no other guy she has ever been with has
had the balls to be honest with her in that way.

   Every guy has insecurities.  Every guy she's
been with in the past hasn't had the courage to
just be himself completely.  Guys lie and
exaggerate, and even the most clueless women
can instinctively FEEL that fact.

   When you can be open with her, she will feel
your courage and your strength of character in a
profound way. 

   And then she's gonna want to rip your clothing
off.

   And she'll communicate very clearly to you
exactly how she likes to be touched... and even
more, she'll tell you how she's always WANTED to
be touched, but never felt enough trust with
another man to say it out loud and ask for what
she wants.

   See, sex is scary for women too.

   And when you've done this together a few times.
(which may all happen on the same day, because
she's not going to want to ever get out of bed
with you!) you will discover that even though
you were a virgin, you're by far the best lover
she's ever been with.

   And guess what?

   As crazy as this may sound, even though at that
point you will be completely blowing her mind
already...

   There's much, MUCH more. 

   That's when you'll be ready for the "master
class"...

   Multiple orgasms, female ejaculation, extended
orgasms, tantra techniques... 

   Don't rush this.  Right now, the stuff I wrote
right here is PLENTY for you to work on.

   But when you feel like you're ready for the
next level, here's where you'll find it all:

   FEMALE ORGASM TECHNIQUES