I've been thinking about writing this one for
a long, long time... and I'll admit I've been
putting it off because I was nervous about some
of the things I'm about to share with you...

   If you are in a relationship with a woman who
was emotionally or sexually abused in a past
relationship or as a child, then you know how
HARD it can be-- and I hope that I can share some
ideas that will really help you overcome some of
the challenges you are facing.

   And the sad truth is... many guys who ARE
in relationships with women who were abused
DON'T KNOW IT.  (And I'll explain more about that
later).

   One thing you've got to know up front is that
I am NOT a therapist, I'm not a psychologist, and
I'm not licensed or trained as any kind of mental
health expert.

   I'm going to share some opinions and ideas that
I learned through conversations, seminars, books,
consultations with experts, and tough experience.

   According to some sources, as many as 1 in 4
women have been sexually abused at some time in
their past.

   Now that number might be a little hard to
believe, and, of course, not all "abuse" is the
same thing... I think it's obvious that there is
a big difference between a girl who had her breast
fondled by an older kid on the playground, and a
woman who was repeatedly raped by a trusted family
member.

   I'm not saying that both aren't horrible, but
one will clearly result in far more lasting
difficulty... and whatever the numbers actually
are...

   If YOU are in a relationship with a woman who
has sexual abuse in her past, you already know
how many things it can affect in your relationship.

   But regardless of what happened in the past, it
is still ABSOLUTELY possible to have a happy, HEALTHY,
and even GREAT sex life.

   Moreover, it may be that having "a happy,
HEALTHY, and even GREAT sex life" is one of the
very best ways to help her past many of the issues
that she is facing.

   So what did I mean about guys not knowing that
their girlfriend or even their WIFE had sexual
abuse in her past?

   Well, it turns out that many of these women
feel so much shame about what happened to them
that even though I know, and YOU know, that it was
not at all their fault... they feel like if the
man in their life found out, he might leave her.

   Further, many of these women learned, over the
years, to "dissociate" from what happened to them.

   They are so used to pretending it never
happened, even lying to themselves, or feeling
like it all happened to someone else... that they
just can't even imagine bringing it up EVER in a
conversation with you.

   And this strategy WORKS for them... sometimes...

   Because it's still in there, and it finds a
way to express itself in senseless arguments with
the man they love, inability to enjoy sex, guilt
about it if they DO enjoy sex, depression... and
countless other ways.

   With some other women, they repress it for
years and years...

   And they think that they don't have to deal
with it at all... until, that is, they fall in
love with someone who makes them feel totally safe
and cared for...

   And suddenly it all comes bubbling to the
surface in the form of sexual "issues", or
nightmares, or anxiety attacks, or relationship-
sabotaging behavior.... or worse.

   Sound familiar?

   And if you've had this happen to you, you can't
help feeling like, "why was she normal with her
last boyfriend?  Why do I get all the drama and
dysfunction.

   Well, I know it doesn't feel like it... but
it's a HUGE compliment. 

   That's right, it's a compliment.  It means
that you are a man of great strength and character.
A man that makes her feel safe enough to finally
begin dealing with her past.

   I know it's not fair to you...

   But you CAN get to the other side.  And you
two can find the love and the FUN in your
relationship again.

   I guess the most important thing is to know
when you are just in over your head.  If the
problem is that she has trouble enjoying sex or
that she feels guilt around sex... read on...

   If she is having bouts of deep depression or
suicidal thoughts... GET HELP NOW:

   A mental health professional is certainly a
good idea at that point.  But for a LOT of
additional resources, check out the website for
Mothers Against Sexual Abuse at
www.againstsexualabuse.org

   My friend Leah is a yoga instructor, and a
very wise woman, and she once said that,
"people carry their trauma with them until they
find a safe enough place to put it."

   The reason that she is acting out with you and
suddenly having all of these problems is because
some deep part of herself finally believes that
she has found a "safe place" to put her trauma...

   And she is unconsciously TESTING you to make
sure that you are strong enough and safe enough
to hold the monster inside of her.

   You prove your strength and pass these tests
with love, PATIENCE, and CALMNESS.

   Once she is confident and comfortable in her
KNOWING that you are indeed strong and safe, she
can release her trauma and and her pain and,
finally, HEAL.

   It's important that you understand what I am
saying by using the word, "HEAL."  What I mean is,
not that she can "deal" with her past experiences,
but that she can completely HEAL and live a
totally normal and happy life.

   Here are some POWERFUL steps YOU can take to get
her completely healed of her past:

1.  HAVE FAITH IN HER
  
   You can not help her at all unless you have
the honest-to-God FAITH that she is absolutely
capable of getting past this crap once and for
all.

   This is the first "must-have" for any man who
wants to heal his lover of her past.

   Never waiver.  Never let her see an ounce of
doubt in you.  Show her every day that you BELIEVE
in her, and that you believe in her ability to
beat this thing.

   If you can be consistent... if you can be
absolutely UNSHAKEABLE in your belief... that
alone might be enough to do the trick.

   She loves you and trusts you.  Your opinion
matters above all others.  If you continue to
insist that she can be okay, she will eventually
believe you.

   And she will behave accordingly.  Eventually
she will learn to believe it herself. 

   Then she is well on her way to permanently
resolving her issues.


2.  REMEMBER THAT SHE CHOSE YOU FOR A REASON

   In her eyes you are the hero that she has been
seeking her whole life to slay the dragon that
has imprisoned her.

   She sees something in you... some heroic
quality... that even you may be unaware of.

   It is a high compliment, an honor, and... if
you choose to take up the challenge... a very big
responsibility.

   The reason that I'm telling you this... the
reason that you NEED to know this... is because
there will be times when it's so incredibly
frustrating, so incredibly hard to be the man
that has to deal with this...

   And I hope that you will take strength and
courage in knowing that this is not just random
bad luck that you met a girl who has "issues."

   Many men have met her.  She CHOSE YOU.

   Because you have the qualities of a hero...
because within you lies the ability to save her.

   You will learn a lot and grow a lot in the
process.  Like all men who have been heroes
throughout history-- the journey is part of the
destiny that will make you into a better man.


3.  LISTEN WITHOUT JUDGEMENT

   When she's ready to talk, your job is to listen.

   It might take a lot of courage to hear the
things she needs to say without freaking out.

   Freaking out is for weaker men.  Stay calm and
cool, and offer zero judgement.

   Telling her things that she could have done,
or should have done... this is the WORST thing that
you can possibly do!

   Let me repeat:

   Offering advice of how she might have avoided
the whole thing is the same thing as telling her
that she did something WRONG and that she is
somehow GUILTY of what happened to her...

   And it is the WORST THING YOU CAN POSSIBLY DO.

   "Why didn't you tell your mother?" or teacher,
or the cops...

   "Why did you walk through a dark alley on your
way home?"

   "Why did you go back to that house?"

   "Why didn't you lock your door?"

   "You could have yelled for help."

   "You should have..."

   STOP!

   Don't EVER say anything like that.

   You don't need to ask her, because I am going
to answer ALL of those questions for you...

   She was young, she was frightened... and she
FELT helpless.

   Even if, in reality, she wasn't helpless... she
could not see that at the time.  She felt
completely and hopelessly helpless.

   And worse... she asks herself those questions
all the time... it is those questions that are
preventing her from healing.

   Your job is to listen.

   Zero judgments.

   Zero opinions.

   Got it?

   Then go back to #1 above.


4.  DON'T BUY INTO HER VICTIM MENTALITY

   People identify with their problems... they
believe that their problems are part of their
personality, part of what makes them who they are.

   Also, people like to have some problem that
serves as their excuse for every bad thing that
ever happens to them.

   We all get "comfortable" with our problems.

   Yes, she WAS a victim.

   SHE IS NOT A VICTIM ANYMORE.

   Help her see that the past is the past, and
that if she CHOOSES to be fine, she WILL be fine.

   Of course, she CAN choose to remain a victim to
her past.  She can choose to remain imprisoned
by her dragon...

   But you should not accept that choice.

   Without judgment, without being critical,
without being harsh or getting angry or being
impatient... simply refuse to believe that her
past will define her.

   Let her see that you understand and feel great
compassion for the injury that was done to her in
the PAST... but that you do not accept is as an
EXCUSE for her future.

   You believe that she CAN be fine, and that she
WILL be fine... and that you expect her to hold
herself to the same standard.

   Be understanding that she might not be able
to snap her fingers and get over it all at once...
but that she CAN AND WILL get over it.

   Be patient... but don't let her just wallow in
it forever.

   This is a fine line to walk without coming off
as insensitive... and the key to managing it is...


5.  BE PATIENT!

   This is the most important quality for you to
maintain. 

   Let her know that you are willing to outlast
her tantrums, that you will still be there through
her sexual problems, that you are not afraid of
her bouts of depression, that she simply can't
scare you.

   What you are really doing is speaking to the
dragon.

   And nothing scares the crap out of her dragon
like a man who can be calm and patient during its
fiercest attacks.

   And that's what all of these outbursts and
issues are... the attacks of the dragon that is
holding her prisoner.

   When the dragon realizes that it cannot get
through your armor of calm and patience... it will
eventually run away.

   To be calm and patient in the midst of the
storm... no matter how frightening it may be for
her... that is exactly the masculine character
that she needs to finally believe that she has
found the "safe place" to put her trauma.

   She will give it to you.  And you will quietly
and easily, throw it away.

  
6.  GET HELP IF YOU NEED IT

   The above 5 steps are all you need and all YOU
can do.

   But sometimes the problem is bigger than one
man can handle.  Especially if she is badly
depressed or talks about hurting herself (or
does, in fact, hurt herself).

   Hurting herself can be anything from habitually
engaging in self-destructive behavior like heavy
drug problems, driving while intoxicated, or
even secretly cutting herself.

   Get professional help.


7.  HEAL HER THROUGH POWERFUL SEXUAL INTIMACY

   This is, perhaps, a more "advanced" method for
helping her healing process, and that is why I
have placed it last. 

   It is a bigger topic.

   There is a reason that they call it "making
love."

   There is a communication that happens during
the most profound giving and receiving of sexual
pleasure with your partner. 

   When you learn to truly connect in the most
powerful ways in the bedroom, it is a chance to
build powerful intimacy and trust, a path to
growth as a couple and as individuals...

   And it can be profoundly healing.

   If you haven't done so yet, I strongly
recommend that you download my book, "Revolutionary
Sex" and pay special attention to the "Couple's
Guide" that comes with it as bonus booklet.

   It can be a big help in dealing with what you
are going through.

   Check out the details now:

www.revolutionarysex.com

   And best of luck to you and your woman on your
path together. 

   Remember that she is counting on you and that
she believes in you to be her hero.

   I believe in you too.

   Your friend,

   Alex