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If Your Girl Doesn't Like Oral Sex...
In this week's mailbag I take questions from
readers and give you specific tips and techniques
for...
...getting your woman to scream in the bedroom
...dealing with women who don't like oral sex
...making sex more "interesting"
...PLUS, I explain why women hate it when you
ASK them if what you are doing is "working".
Enjoy...
***QUESTION***
Alex- I have been with my girlfriend for the past
year and a half. We are very active sexually, and
I have no trouble bringing her to oragasm through
intercourse, but i have always heard that it is
much more intense for her orally. We have dicussed
the topic and she says she has had some "bad
experiences" with it and it just doesnt doesnt do
anything for her. I really want to fix this and
give her something to remember. Is there anything
i can do? I have tried everything...
thanks,
J. from Fargo, ND
>>>MY COMMENTS:
Hey man, the first thing I want you to know is
that this issue with your girlfriend is EXTREMELY
common.
The second thing I want you to know is that
what you heard about it being "more intense for
her orally" is wrong.
Or at least it's wrong in that it MAY be true
for SOME women... but that it is by no means
true for EVERY woman that oral sex is better.
Women are all very different in their sexual
response, and while some have similar experiences
and preferences, I can promise that no two are
exactly alike.
Trying to make a "rule" work within your
relationship is a disaster waiting to happen--
especially in a case like this where you want
her to really enjoy something that she doesn't...
The problem is that after a year and a half,
you can bet that she has developed some VERY
powerful emotional bonds with you-- and when you
want her to respond a certain way that she's just
not feeling, it makes her feel like you are
DISAPPOINTED in her.
Not only does that probably hurt her feelings,
but it puts PRESSURE on her to enjoy it... and
PRESSURE is the exact emotional state that will
prevent her from EVER having a good sexual
experience when you go down on her.
Okay, I'm going to come back to this point
about putting pressure on her, but before I do,
let's talk for a second about why she might feel
so negatively towards oral sex...
Specifically, you need to find out how serious
her "bad experience" was.
It is extremely common for women to have
negative feelings about oral sex, and those
feelings can come from a variety of places--
Some women feel like it's "dirty" down there
and that she might be embarrassed by the way she
smells or tastes. Or they may feel revulsion at
the idea that you'll want to kiss her afterwards.
These negative feelings can come from a million
different places.
The bottom line is, some women can't even deal
with their boyfriend seeing them naked with the
lights on. So it is not all that weird that your
girlfriend feels insecure about your face being
right up in her private parts.
And that feeling of insecurity is what is
keeping her from enjoying it.
But... before I get into the solution, let's
briefly look at the "worst case scenario" of what
her "bad experience" might have been.
Some statistics say that 1 in 4 women have been
sexual abused when they were children.
For some women, the the molestation and the
psychological harm that results can be quite minor--
just a yucky thing that happened to them once
that they don't much like to think about...
But for many other women, sexual abuse that
happened to them as a child can have absolutely
devastating consequences-- and can lead to
extreme problems as an adult.
Now this is PROBABLY NOT the case with your
girlfriend, so don't go jumping to conclusions...
but if it is, you're going to need to know that,
and you'll probably need a lot more help than
I can give you in a Newsletter... in fact, you'll
want to consult a mental health care professional
(in other words, a qualified psychologist or
psychiatrist).
I suggest you have a careful, loving, non-
judgmental conversation with your girlfriend
before trying the following advice...
Okay, now I'm going to assume that you've
talked to your girlfriend and determined that she
was not sexually abused as a child.
In this case, what you are going to do is fix
the two issues that we talked about already.
1) Take the "pressure" off of her and,
2) Make her feel less self-conscious about
her body.
So, first off you are going to TELL her quite
SPECIFICALLY, that you do not want to put any
pressure on her and that no matter what happens or
doesn't happen, you will not be disappointed with
her.
You MUST convince her that your affection
for her is in no way dependent on whether or not
you get to go down on her.
You need her to BELIEVE this. It may take some
time. Be patient.
Okay, the next step is going to be "reframing"
oral sex for her from something that you are
giving to her (because she doesn't want it from
you anyway), into something that SHE IS GIVING
TO YOU.
She does not enjoy oral sex, and that is
fine... YOU do. Tell her that you don't want her
to feel pressure herself to feel pleasure from
you going down on her... instead, she should get
in touch with the pleasure she feels in GIVING
to you.
This is something that turns you on, something
that you love, something that you want her to
give you as a gift... and you want her to not
just "put up with it for your sake" but to take
authentic joy in GIVING.
When you buy her a piece of jewelry or do the
dishes for her, you don't feel pleasure in not
having your money any more or taking your time
away from other things when you are doing those
dishes...
But you enjoy the act of giving, the act of
kindness, the feeling that you have made her
feel loved and appreciated by your act of
generosity. It feels GREAT.
Well, most women LOVE giving.
Tell her to try to link into THAT pleasure.
It may be better to start more slowly and
just tell her that you want to look at it. Have
her spread her legs and let you just enjoy looking
at her vagina.
This will probably be very uncomfortable for
her at first. Give her TONS OF PRAISE for it.
Tell her how much it turns you on. Tell her
how beautiful and perfect it is. Get her to do
this often and let her know that by showing it
to you she can tease you... that it will give her
a certain amount of female sexual power. That
she can make a game of it.
Make it FUN for her.
Link up the feelings of being sexually
desirable to the act of "showing off" her pussy.
Make her feel good about it. Make her feel
sexy about it.
Finally, you will do the same thing with
tasting her. Giving her praise and positive
reinforcement. Letting her know it turns you
on that you think it's beautiful and sexy.
Tell her that it makes you feel appreciated
that she gives you this gift. That it makes you
feel intimate and close to her that she is willing
to share something so private and difficult for her.
Soon she will be feeling pleasure at the idea
and at the act of you performing oral sex on her.
Maybe not sexual pleasure (at first), but
still, pleasure. The pleasure of giving and the
pleasure of feeling sexy and desired in your eyes.
Very soon after she releases the feelings of
anxiety and starts feeling the feelings of
pleasure, she'll be able to link into the sexual
pleasure as well.
And soon after that she'll start having orgasms
from oral sex. She may even be caught off guard
and surprised by it. But it will happen.
But BEWARE! The first time she has an orgasm
from you going down on her it will release ALL
of the emotions that made her feel awkward about
it in the first place.
She will almost certainly cry and she will be
VERY vulnerable afterwards. Be very sweet and
gentle with her when she is in this state. Stroke
her hair, make her feel loved...
DO NOT ASK HER, "WHAT'S WRONG?"
Because that implies that something is wrong.
Nothing is wrong. Everything is great. Tell her
she is a wonderful girlfriend and that you are proud
of her, and just let her cry it out.
Okay, last word here, and this is really an
overall (and critically important) tip on oral
sex:
Never forget that cunnilingus is NOT something
that happens between you and her vagina. It is
something that happens between you and HER.
Keep her feeling connected, keep her aware that
you are making love to HER and not just her
genitals.
The rest should take care of itself, but if
you want some really amazing techniques to take
your oral skills to the next level, you can find
them by following the link below
***QUESTION***
Alex, [...] I can never tell when my wife is
having a orgasm.
Its hard to tell she only makes a wierd face and
looks away like she is in pain.
Well the screaming thing you where talking about I
really would love her to do that but she is just
too quiet for sex and everything else. She has a
very soft voice unless she is really mad at me...
How can i make her use her voice?? music really
helps??
Thanks,
A.F. from MN
>>> MY COMMENTS
Yes.
Music really helps.
The reason that your wife has trouble making
noise when she comes is that she feels self-
conscious.
When you play music (especially LOUD music)
it drowns out her sounds a bit and helps her
feel a bit less self-conscious.
That self-consciousness not only prevents her
from making noise, but because she is putting
limits and controls on herself, it is preventing
her from experience anywhere near the level of
sexual pleasure that her body is capable of.
Now... why would your wife be self-conscious
about her sexuality?
Well, one clue to that answer to that mystery
might be you writing "she only makes a weird
face" when she comes.
I can only hope you've never SAID that to her...
But even THINKING that way is going to clue
her in to the idea that you think there is
something WRONG (or weird) with the way she
responds to sex.
Stop that.
Start making her feel great about it. Make
her so proud of her sexuality that wants to
scream about it from the mountain-tops... or...
at least in bed.
Look man, she is not your girlfriend, she is
your wife. You have made a huge commitment to
each other.
Honor that commitment by setting it as a goal
every day to make her feel sexy and desired, and
make her feel great about her sexuality.
Do not compare her to some actress or anyone
you once knew... just accept that her sexuality
is perfect for you.
If you succeed in this, (and maybe play a
little music), I'm sure she will be screaming
in the near future.
***QUESTION***
Hello Alex, My girlfriend and I just started
having sex...How can i make it more Interesting
for me and her???
>>>MY COMMENTS:
GLAD YOU ASKED!
I've got 2 amazing tips for you to turbo-
charge your sex life and make it absolutely mind
blowing for both of you...
1) Keep reading these newsletters. They are
filled with tips week after week that will
absolutely improve your sex life in HUGE ways.
2) To really take things to the next level and
become, by far, the greatest lover that she will
ever experience in this lifetime... buy my book.
***QUESTION***
I am a big man with a small wife and i have a hard
time giving her the big O and i really want to give
it to her.
She says that when i do the right things that i stop
and i ask her to tell me when what I'm doing feels
good to her. But she says that it kills it for her
when she has to tell me.
She also says that she wants to try things but that
we can't because of our size difference---
need help please reply
>>>MY COMMENTS:
Well, I'm not sure what you mean by "try
things," but most things that are possible in
the bedroom at all are possible even if you are
big and she is small.
Though sometimes you have to be very patient,
use a lot of lubrication.
Of course, you might be just talking about a
height difference?
Moving along... it seems to me that you need
some help in the art of "paying attention."
It is, in fact, an art, and it's one of the
center-piece concepts in my book.
The only way you will ever know what is (and
what is not) working when you are in bed with a
woman is by using this art of "paying attention."
You have to learn to "tune in" to her body--
listening to her breath, feeling the change in
the temperature of her skin, the way her muscle
tone changes...
By really tuning in, you will eventually not
only know exactly what she wants you to do, but
you'll know BEFORE SHE DOES when you are doing
something that will make her come.
More importantly, this "paying attention"
builds intimacy. She can feel that you are tuning
in, and that feeling is what triggers the emotional
switch that makes it okay for her experience huge
orgasms.
And this is one of the 3 reasons that your
wife does not like it when you "ask her" if what
you are dong is working...
She feels you OUGHT TO KNOW because she wants
to feel that you have an intimate connection to
her body and her emotions.
When you don't know, it sends a signal to her
that maybe your thoughts were somewhere else.
(Though that may have no basis in fact-- making
love is much more about the way she feels than
about facts).
The second reason she doesn't like it when you
ask is that SHE PROBABLY DOESN'T KNOW HERSELF.
She has a vague idea of when it feels right and
when it seems to slip out of her grasp... but many
women don't understand their own sexual triggers
very well.
And very few women know how to give themselves
earth-shattering orgasms-- they need a partner to
make it happen.
(The RIGHT partner, of course-- which, in this
case, is going to be YOU)
So you will definitely need to download the
eBook and take a look at the tips and examples
of how you learn to "pay attention" to a woman's
body in the bedroom.
The final reason that she doesn't want to have to
"tell you" when what you are doing is working is...
Because ALL women hate it.
Women want a guy that KNOWS what he's doing,
not a guy they have to teach.
It is part of the way she has always fantasized
it would be with her perfect lover. That he's be
skilled and patient and passionate, and that he'd
be able to read her body like a book.
Now before you get insulted and think, "well,
obviously I'm NOT her perfect lover, because I
CAN'T read her body like book!" I want you to
step back and remember that you weren't born
knowing how to catch a ball either.
You CAN be her perfect lover, because what she
wants... WHAT EVERY WOMAN WANTS... is for the guy
that she loves (you, the guy she married) to care
enough to LEARN how to rock her world.
The great news for her, is that you are reading
these Newsletters... and that means you DO care
enough.
So now, obviously, your next step is to make
a small investment in time and READ THE BOOK.
The fact is, there may be many reasons that you
are not having success in consistently giving her
the "Big O".
Or... there may be just one, simple reason.
But I do know THIS-- the solution to whatever
the problem is (even if there is more than one)
is in the book.
So look, don't put this off, because you know
the way life is, and you know that if you don't
do this now you'll probably delete this email and
forget about it for MONTHS... and your relationship
is much too important for that...
Do it now while you are thinking about it.
Just download the book as an Adobe Acrobat file
from my website, here...
CLICK HERE NOW
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