***QUESTION***

Alex, The other day i was checking my boyfriends
e-mail for him and i found some of your newsletters.
I found them very interesting, however i have a
question for u myself. My boyfriend has been away
for a while and will not be coming back soon. As a
result he got me a toy, and it still works, i still
orgasm, however it doesnt feel right. In the end i
am left with almost an empty, unsatisfied feeling.
Is that normal? Is there a way around this feeling?
Thank you for ur time.
     - KND


>>>MY REPLY:

   Well, I've got some good news and some bad
news...

   The good news is that obviously you and your
boyfriend are connecting on a really nice level
in the bedroom.  Intimacy and Sexual Trust have
become a more powerful mechanisms for your sexual
pleasure than just stimulation of a body part.

   So the orgasms he's giving you are more
powerful and more meaningful than you had before.

   The bad news is that, no, a vibrator will
never be as satisfying again.

   You can still get physical release, and you
may feel pleasure, or feel relaxation afterwards...

   But your boyfriend has spoiled you and you
are likely to continue to have that empty and
unsatisfied feeling until he returns.

   Aren't you glad he's reading my newsletters?!

   If the emotion is too strong, and you really
feel badly afterwards, I suggest that you try just
laying off for a while. 

   Right now, having orgasms with the toy is just
reminding you that you miss him and that you are
alone. 

   Take a celibacy break and see how you feel.

   It can be very centering and give you a lot of
clarity in other areas of your life as well.


***QUESTION***

Hey Alex.

Me and my girlfriend have been going out for
almost a year now, and I love her so much- and
I'm sure she loves me. We just started doing sexual
things, to the extent of masturbation- we only ever
do this kind of thing if we're furiously making
out. I think we both might find it a bit
embarrassing. But I'm really grateful to her for
this much- she was abused as a child- and I've
been there for her and was a bit nervous about
getting into anything like that.

But heres one question, how do we get past our
embarrassment? We've never done things out in the
open and we have talked about it but still its
only whilst kissing.

Heres a second- what more is there we can do before
sex? She asked me about two days ago if I was
ready for sex, and to be honest I'm not (I told
her I wasnt)- I want to be able to give her an
orgasm- this leads to the third question.

About finger stimulation, whenever I go down near
her vagina its usually wet- which I take as a good
sign, but after exploring around with my finger
she starts to moan a little, not to the extent of
screaming her head off but little sighs that let
me know shes enjoying it- only after a few seconds
of these moans she'll say stop and take my hand
out. This might be what you're saying about the
trust side- but I'm sure she trusts me. Sometimes
when we're doing things (lately I've been
undressing her whilst kissing) she'll suddenly
stop and say "we should'nt be doing this,". I was
wondering whether these three things are linked
somehow- sex isnt a huge part of our relationship,
but its nice to do- I like to feel like I can
pleasure her.

I'd be grateful for your reply.

   - D.



>>>MY REPLY:

   Okay, first of all, I'm just going to assume
that everyone in question is over 18, because
otherwise you would have seen the disclaimer and
you wouldn't be reading this right now...

   And given that is the case, and given it
sounds like you would very much like to have sex
with this girl, the ENTIRE problem is centered
around this one thing:

"She asked me about two days ago if I was
ready for sex, and to be honest I'm not"

   EVERYTHING else flows from this.

   ...the embarrassment (HERS as well as yours),

   ...you asking what else you can do before sex
(nothing, it's been a year, it's time for sex),

   ...her stopping you when she is moaning from
your touch,

   ...her saying "we shouldn't be doing this"
when you are undressing her...

   ALL of it comes from your inability to be
"ready".  (And HER ability to sense that fact).

   It sounds like she's frustrated out of her
mind... she's filled with sexual desire, but
she's not confident that you can lead her there
in a comfortable, confident, masculine way that
will make her feel safe.

   She probably needs that safe feeling more
than the average girl because she was sexually
abused... and it may be challenging for her...
but EVERY woman wants that feeling of being
in the arms of a man who can make sexual pleasure
"safe".

   She needs a man who can make it "okay" for
her experience lust, pleasure, erotic desire.

   So to make this crystal clear:  The problem
is not that she was sexually abused... The
problem is that YOU are not Sexually Confident.

   So when you write, "but I'm sure she trusts
me," ...sorry, you are wrong.

   Because I am not talking about "trust" like,
she trusts you with her car keys, or she trusts
that you won't fool around behind her back, or
she trusts you not to take cash from her wallet
when she is sleeping...

   I'm talking about Sexual Trust. 

   Sexual Trust means that she trusts you to take
her safely and comfortably through a powerful
erotic experience.

   She's not looking for "nice" or "honest",
she's looking for "confident," "masculine", and
"sexually self assured".

   This is why a guy can have a relationship
with a woman for years and think she is sexually
repressed, but after they break up, she might
have sex with the next guy (and do all sorts of
really freaky things with him) on their very
first date.

   Her sexual personality and her level of sexual
comfort is powerfully affected by YOU.

   Our personalities are directly affected by the
person we are interacting with-- I'm sure you
act differently around your mom than you do
around your boss.  You'd act differently around
one of your old buddies than if you were at a
cocktail party and suddenly found yourself in a
conversation with Bill Gates.

   But that's just half of it...

   Because women are incredibly sensitive to the
emotions and the mental state of their lover.

   She is picking up cues from you... and because
you are nervous, embarrassed, and "not ready,"
she is feeling very uncomfortable about sex with
you.

   Let me ask you one simple question, and I hope
that you will think long and hard about it until
you have a very clear answer in your head-- an
answer that you can then DEAL WITH and FIX...

   Why are you embarrassed by sexuality?

   There's 2 reasons you need to get over this
embarrassment as quickly as possible.

   1) You are wrecking your own sex life.  You
are never going to have satisfying sex (much less
powerful, earth-shaking love making) while you
have this negative emotion about your own sexual
desires.

   2) You are HARMING your girlfriend.

   You say you love her... then PROTECT her from
your negative emotions.

   Because she was sexually abused, she is
confused and uncomfortable with her sexuality
already.  Don't make it worse.

   What she NEEDS is a MAN who can be so at ease
and comfortable with his own sexuality and with
sexual desire, that she gets sucked into his
reality... that she internalizes his view of the
world... that she realizes it's okay.

   Your embarrassment is, unfortunately,
reinforcing her negative beliefs and her negative
feelings about her own sexuality.

   Stop that right now.

   Become the man who can look her in the eye
without blinking, without shame, and say, "I want
to make love to you right now," and then DO it.

   Show her with your words, with your actions,
and with your confident certainty that her body
is beautiful to you, that her vagina is beautiful
and good, that sexual desire is beautiful and
good...

   Forget any silly crap about worrying if she
will have an orgasm the first time.  That's just
bullshit.  It will take care of itself.

   Just make love to her with a confident and
loving heart, and the rest will be absurdly easy.

   It's possible that she will stop you-- that
she won't be ready to go from where you are now
to going "all the way" the very first time you
change your attitude.

   That's fine.  You must EARN her Sexual Trust.

   Just keep gently, persistently, and confidently
pushing your desire to  make love to her. 
Continue to show her that it's good and natural
and beautiful to you.

   Don't get upset, don't pout, and don't be
disappointed if you don't get what you want right
away.

   Smile, tell her how badly you want to touch,
taste, and enter her body.  Stroke her hair like
you own her (not like you're afraid she might
bite you), and then take off her clothing without
hesitation.

   If she stops you, smile, kiss her, and just do
the same thing tomorrow.

   Show her you are the kind of confident and
powerful man that simply CAN NOT be embarrassed
or shaken in your beliefs.

   And then she will gratefully, sweetly, and
completely surrender to you-- which is what she
wants more than anything else in the world.

   And for heaven's sake, download my ebook and
read it as soon as possible:

www.revolutionarysex.com

***QUESTION***

Hey Alex, Thanks for the helpful informations on
how to make women have a wild experiences in a
bedroom... I got a question that i've been dying to
ask you. Anyways, there is this girl that i really
would like to make her mine, but the problem is,
that she is taken.. the Question is, What can i do
to make her mine? What can i do phsically to make
her wanna have intecores with me... This girl and
i get close all the time when we go out and have
fun... Please let me know ASAP... Thanks
your friend
     - C.


>>> MY REPLY:

   Hey pal, as a rule I don't give any advice on
"how to pick up chicks". 

   I write my stuff assuming that you already have
a partner... or know how to get one... you are
married, have a girlfriend, are part of a couple,
or dating and sexually active.

   However, here's a quick little tip:

   Don't go after "taken" girls.

   It's bad karma, it's selfish as hell (being
concerned only with your pleasure and not
considering the pain you could cause her and the
other guy),  and it shows a lack of confidence
in your ability to go out and attract another
girl.

   There are millions and millions of attractive
and wonderful women out there.  Quit obsessing
over the one that's not available.


***QUESTION***

Hi Alex, I really enjoy reading your newsletters.
I have a problem. I can only achieve an orgasim
through clitoral stimulation.
The thing is, I had a real orgasim once and it
felt like extasy and I wasn't even all that
attracted to the guy and his dick was small. Now
I am with a guy that is really good in bed, with
a big dick that I am reaaly attracted to and I
can't get nothing. I've tried finding my g-spot.
When I rub where I think it is I am not getting
any pleasure. I'm really distressed over this.
Please help me. Keep those emails coming!

    - Feelin' hopeless in CT


>>> MY REPLY:

   First of all... thank you for pointing out to
other readers that size doesn't matter that much
when it comes to great sex.  Obviously some women
find it a psychological turn on (like you, or you
wouldn't have mentioned it), but size is not what
it's about.

   Second, what do you mean "real orgasm"?

   A clitoral orgasm is VERY real, and many women
enjoy them more than vaginal, g-spot, or cervical
orgasms.

   So you are very attracted to Mr. Big Dick, and
that's great, but the fact is, he's not as good
in bed as you (or he) thinks he is.

   He may be able to last all night and have all
sorts of interesting and new techniques... but
he's not giving you the kind of deep and satisfying
orgasms that you want.

   So how good can he be?

   It could be simply that because he's big, he's
missing the g-spot, whereas the small guy was
hitting it just perfectly (which is very common).

   The g-spot is only about 1-2 inches inside.

   Because it's along the top, and because you
have to press in, around the pubic bone, it can
be awkward (or even impossible) to get to it by
yourself.  So it's better to have your partner
do it.

   That said, I think it's probably more about
your "b-spot" than your g-spot.  Which is to say,
your brain... your mind and your emotions that
he's not stimulating correctly.

   For your part-- RELAX.

   Deep orgasms will not happen when you are
trying to force them to happen.

   It's like snow-boarding-- relax and enjoy the
ride and the exhilaration.  When you stiffen up
and try to force it, you just end up face-down
in the snow.

   Breathe in long, slow, deep breaths and just
ride the feeling.

   For his part... *sigh*... there's too much to
go into.  I don't know what he's doing right, and
I don't know what he's doing wrong.

   Download the eBook together.  Talk about the
things that turn you both on.  Experiment.  Have
fun.  Don't take it too seriously.  Do the
exercises on sexual trust and connection...

   I promise you'll be having orgasms that make
the paint melt off the walls of your bedroom in
no time.

   You can find it here when you're ready:

www.revolutionarysex.com

   Thanks as always for the questions and the
support.  Keep the questions and comments coming
and let me know how I can make these Newsletters
better for YOU.

   Send it all to Alex@RevolutionarySex.com

   Your friend,

   Alex